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Cum Fart Cocktails (2004 Video)
Does for Hollywood what General Sherman did for Atlanta.
13 August 2007
Like a tradesman crafting an exquisite piece of art, Cum Fart Cocktails is deftly directed by experienced master of cinema Jake Malone. At the helm of previous blockbusters such as "Cum Stained Casting Couch" (vols 1-6), "Gang Bang My Face" (vols 1 and 2) and "Dirt Pipe Milkshakes", which strangely enough, had no sequel, Malone has been highly touted as this generation's Martin Scorsese. Lee Bank falls perfectly in line as Malone's Robert DeNiro, appearing in many of his most profitable films, including "Own My Ass 2" and "Throat Gaggers 10" which most critics, including Roger Ebert, felt advanced throat sex filming techniques by leaps and bounds.

But enough of my fawning adoration for Malone's work. Cum Fart Cocktails was not only "successful" enough to warrant *four* sequels, but is the perfect "companion piece" to a movie I've previously reviewed, "1001 Ways to Eat My Jizz". Some young, enterprising director should now make a movie called "Anal Chocolate Cake" and you could have an entire meal.

I have heard some unsubstantiated Internet rumors that both Hallmark and the Lifetime Channel passed on the opportunity to produce "Cum Fart Cocktails". How foolish they must feel now!!!

See it with someone you love.
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Perfect for the cook in your family.
2 July 2004
I had heard about this film for quite a while in my "Lovers of Cinema" discussion group, but had not been able to see it until just recently.

Many of the movie's supporters withing our elitist circle of movie snobbery thought that it was a milestone in effective storytelling and a dramatic leap in terms of lighting and set design, etc...

I thought it was movie about people eating semen on bread products. Silly me.

Anyways, I'm not sure what type of person would see the title of this movie and immediately rush out to rent (or God forbid, buy) it. Perhaps somebody who has only experienced eating jizz 1,000 ways, maybe?

"Hmm..let's see. I've eaten jizz on toast, English muffins, croissants, crepes, and pancakes. I just don't know what else to eat jizz on!"

The charming plot review on this very site will bring you up to speed in case you missed the first two movies in this series:

"11 girls suck cock and eat jizz off of/with various foods"

You just know that somewhere on some dark side of the Internet, two "porn-geeks" were discussing the merits of this movie.

Pervert 1: "Dude, you totally gotta see it on the big screen! It's like you're right there eating the jizz with 'em!!!"

Pervert 2: "Nah, I'll wait for it to come out on video. The series went downhill with the second one. LOL!"

Sometimes I just want to curl into the fetal position and quietly weep for humanity.

Well, gotta go. "Jackass" is coming on! It's the one where Steve-O accidentally saws his own arm off! Now, that my friends, is comedy!!!!
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Take a magical journey with Willie Wanker
29 June 2004
On a cold winter eve, I decided to rent a couple of movies to warm my heart. I decided on "Willie Wanker at the Fudge Packing Factory". Then, for a comparative analysis, I also rented the actual Wille Wonka movie that inspired this parody.

When my Great grandmother Hester heard that I had the original movie, she asked, nay, she demanded, that I let her borrow it so she and the grandkids would have something to watch while they were having a sleepover at her house.

Well, as is often the case in Three's Company episodes, a wacky mix-up ensued and I accidentally let her borrow this movie.

Needless to say, we don't talk much anymore and I was quickly written out of her will.

Do you recall the "tunnel ride" in the original? If you were a child, it stirred up many emotions...mainly fright. Well, this movie has its own version of the "tunnel ride" and it manages to awaken those same feelings of fright in me as an adult. Of course, the tunnel is a bit different, being that it is the entryway to the "fudge packing" factory.

Anyways, a chewy, "chocolate-y" fun time for everyone. Except for your grannies kids.
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Worrisome title, but a barrel of fun.
29 June 2004
"Well, considering your daddy is Rip Taylor, I'm not surprised, but my daddy doesn't swing that way"

Well, at least that was my initial reaction to the title of this movie, but I soon found out that it was not an expose about washed up comedic "actors" and their propensity for attempting male tongue sports. Which, as it turns out, is a very good thing, as I tend to stay away from such exotic movies.

But, this film is an exotic film of sorts, as it is a remake of a French film called "La langue de mon père a plaisir à lécher d'autres pères" or literally, "My Father's Tongue Enjoys Licking Other Fathers".

Directed by John Cassavetes, who is one of those kinda famous directors that I've heard of, but have no idea what they've directed, "My Daddy Can Lick Your Daddy" is actually the story of a young boy named "Hucklebee" and his tumultuous childhood.

Powerful performances by such heavy hitters as Lloyd Bridges, who most audiences will know of in his role of Vincenzo Cortino in the epic 1998 comedy "Jane Austen's Mafia!". Bridges' role as the vain boxing champ is simply a marvel to behold.

Of course, one would be remiss to neglect supporting players. Namely, newcomer Frederick Draper who also teamed with Bridges in the war drama "A Pair of Boots". After this movie, however he starred in only a handful of other roles. And then, much like Kaiser Soze, he was gone.

This movie is a good way to spend a lazy afternoon, and is recommended for everyone. Even the little ones, that is if you can drag them away from their violently bloody video games.
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A key film of the new century
28 June 2004
Expecting "Cum in My Mouth I'll Spit It Back in Yours" to be a trite, meaningless romp in the overlooked genre of "snowballing films", I nevertheless sat down to watch this as part of my "24 Hours of Cum Extravaganza!!" Other movies featured were "Cum in My Ass Not in My Mouth", which I have reviewed elsewhere on IMDb, "Semen Sippers", and "Jizz Junkies"...but I digress.

Now, my overall expectations for "Cum in My Mouth I'll Spit It Back in Yours" were not unfounded, since at first glance, the title seems to sum up the main themes of the movie. Oh, sure...before watching this movie I had several burning questions to ask. Alright, well ONE burning question:

Why do I want a woman to spit my own cum back into my mouth? That kind of defeats the whole purpose of macho heterosexuality, does it not? I mean, certainly, I'm not going to stand around the water cooler the next day bragging about this to my co-workers. "Yeah, buddy. You may have done three girls last night, but guess what I did..."

Apparently, these fearless troopers don't mine "taking one for the team" in the fight for cinematic equality. (Though to be honest, I'm not sure which team they're on if you know what I mean.)

In short, this movie basically ended up being exactly what I expected it to be...a nearly three hour experiment in tedious and overbearing acting and cinematography that makes a third grade play look like "Lawrence of Arabia" in comparison. Of course, Mark Davis and Mickey G. can hardly be faulted, as even Robert De Niro would be thoroughly lost when director Mike Rubenstein explains his motivation for a scene. Although I did hear a rumor that Jon Dough prepared for his role by visiting several "underground establishments" in San Francisco. Those crazy method actors!!!

Seeing these gentlemen get their seminal fluid spat back at them is about as much of a turn on as seeing a Vietnamese transvestite named "Bang Bang Betty" dressed up as the purple Teletubbie having a three way with a donkey and my great grandma while Richard Simmons masturbates with butter and slowly pulls anal beads from his rectum. In other words, not very. Still, I guess it's better than having someone else's mayo on your face.

Far superior to this is "Cum Swapping Sluts" series of films. The same great snowballing acting you love, but without the dirty and awkward feeling of shame.
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28 June 2004
"So, this is it, eh? My life story on celluloid and nobody even told me.What's that? It's not about me? Right, haha..joking about So, it's got a LADY in it, eh? Not bad at all. This sounds promising. A real live FEMALE wanking? Thank you Lord! I knew that you were listening, I just.....

Excuse me? What's that? You say it's a cartoon? Well, not exactly what I was hoping for, but it'll do in a pinch, I suppose. I mean, it's a short, right? I mean, that's perfect. It doesn't need to be that long anyways...What do you mean it's got plot? So, there's more crying than wanking? Ugh. Let me get this straight: It's a animated short film about a woman who grieves over a failed relationship?

Never mind. I'm off to go watch 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit'. You know if you pause it just right, you can see straight up Jessica Rabbit's dress! Bye."

Moral of this story: If there's gonna be a woman in a film about wanking, it'd better:

A.) Have the woman wanking.

B.) Have Jennifer Connelly in the lead role.
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28 June 2004
Although the title would suggest that all Latin girls love in the "backdoor", apparently only one actress is in this movie. Props go out to Justine Romee, who must've had the easiest audition in the world. That is, if you can fully classify hardcore buttsex as an "audition".

Now, perhaps it's because I'm growing ever older, and hopefully wiser, but Justine Romee doesn't sound like a Spanish name to me. So, as I've mentioned, you'll excuse me if I have doubts about validity of the claim of this movie. I certainly don't ever recall Rita Moreno ever talking about her wild anal adventures.

So, I must exclaim to the director, Lee G. : "Caput tuum in ano est!"
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Misleading...although I can see their view, too.
28 June 2004
I was expecting this to be an documentary about the swashbuckling adventures of Rudy at the Hunan Garden Chinese restaurant near the airport. After all, he did exclaim the very same thing when the waiter brought him another plate of General Tso spicy chicken.

Alas, it was not to be. This is a movie (not starring Rudy, thankfully) about women who have anal sex for so long, it FEELS like their asses are, appropriately enough, on fire.

Now, granted you certainly can't call the movie "Stop! We've Engaged In Anal Intercourse For So Long That My Ass Has Unfortunately Become Quite Irritated!", but's a bit of a scam, I think. Actually, that might just be the name of the movie in Japan. Who knows?

An IMDb reviewer said in his illuminating review, "Don't be put off by the title". Now, if you're into seeing asses expanded to the size of a half dollar, by all each his own. But, if you're looking for a little bit more sensitivity and depth in your adult viewing fare, one needn't look any further than the poignant, yet provocative classic "Booty Talk 3: F*cking Hoodrats & Top Notch Hoes!".
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Be careful
28 June 2004
Warning: Spoilers
After my family and I went on a vacation to the untamed wilds of Kenya, I too thought I might have Lesbian Dildo fever, but I went to the doctor, who thankfully told me I just had a very severe case of dysentery. What a close call!

Anyways, this movie is quite good, though it does have its flaws. After all, you have lesbians, you have dildos, and these girls obviously have a fever for both.


The scene in which the one lesbian catches the other lesbian (who, as is often the case in these sorts of movies, doesn't KNOW she's a lesbian) cleaning her bedroom has a nice little twist that I never saw coming. They start going at it with dildos right there on the bed. Now, you might think that was the twist, but you'd be wrong. No, the twist is that a FILTHY MAN (lesbian #2's husband.She didn't know she was a lesbian, remember?) comes into the room and has intercourse with them BOTH!

Now, I'm all for a little artistic license when it comes to hot lesbian dildo movies, in fact, I expect it, but can't we at least keep a little continuity here?

Overall, though, it is a worth challenger for the crown of "Best Lesbian Dildo Movie" currently held by "Lesbian Dildo Bondage".

That one throws yet *another* variable into the equation as fetish wear is introduced along with your standard equipment of dildos and lesbians.
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Scrotal Vengeance (2001 Video)
My toes are still curled
11 February 2004
Greetings from Manila, friends. I will apologize in advance English is not to be very good. But for sure, this movie, was most worrisome with the title of "Scrotal Vengeance". But I have heard this is Lorena Bobbitt's favorite movie. When I saw my female friend eyeing me strangely while this movie was playing, I started perspiring. Luckily, bell rings and we were made to go back to work at sweatshop. Thank you.
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Much better than earlier entries (har har) in this series.
11 February 2004
Excellent movie, although the alleged working title for this one, "Rectal Oregano", apparently didn't go over terribly well with test audiences. Neither did "Cumin My Sphincter".
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The best story about an HIV positive Olympic medal winner, bar none.
10 February 2004
I was forced to watch this movie one night when my friend Finner said he wanted to watch it for a "research project" he was working on. During certain scenes of Mario Lopez in his swim attire, Finner was working something alright....but I digress. I was very glad I sat through this movie, as I felt my heart sing out with joy as the vibrant storytelling seemed to leap out at me.

From this movie, I learned that diving is more than just jumping into a pool at a really good angle. It's about internal struggle. It's about heartache. Most of all, however, it's about redemption. Star making performance from Mr. Lopez, who as you already know, later shot to stratospheric superstardom in the brilliant "America's Most Talented Kid". This is a truly inspiring film, and indeed, one of the ages. Not to be missed.
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Perfect example of Cinema Verite
10 February 2004
When my good buddy Wingnut(don't ask) raved about this movie, I was, to say the least, suspicious. "How is a movie about a baby who outwits would be kidnappers gonna fit into my rotation of Cambodian porn flicks?"

Well, I'm here to tell does. I'm sorry I doubted this movie. It is, without a doubt, one of the funniest "laugh out loud" movies that I have ever seen. I'm not going to try to recap the movie. Others on this site have done a far better job than I could. I thought it was going to be a "baby" version of "Home Alone". But, it's actually closer to "Citizen Kane", with it's subtle majesty on display during each and every frame. The inspired antics of little Baby Bink will tug on the most hardened of heartstrings.

Superb performances throughout, especially Joe Pantoliano in the role of a lifetime as Norby. Rudy and I laughed many many times at the bumbling idiots as they tried time and time again to capture Baby Bink, but failed every time! It just never gets old! I've heard that the the best way to experience the rich detail in this tapestry of expert filmmaking is to see it with someone you love...or want to impress. I wholeheartedly second Hckyfn17's enthusiastic exclamation of "Wicked Awesome!" and also musts wonder "Where is the sequel".

John Hughes, why hast thou forsaken me?
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Simply a masterpiece.
6 February 2004
Trapped in my house during a heavy snowstorm, I felt it was the perfect opportunity to sit down with a glass of Chardonay and some fois gras. And what better way to polish this delicious meal off than a "private" viewing of "Cum In My Ass Not In My Mouth"? "Cum In My Ass Not In My Mouth" (hereafter referred to as CIMANIMM) is an allegorical tale which, like the best movies in the genre, combine lust, betrayal, jealousy, revenge, and assplay as main themes.

On first viewing, one is immediately reminded of Scotty Fox's oeuvre, including "Dr. Rear" and "Nutts About Butts". However, this would be a mistake, as this movie more closely resembles John T. Bone's seminal masterpiece, "Butt Bangers Ball".

Friedrich Nietzsche wrote "He who fights with monsters should be careful,lest he thereby become a monster." The women in this film do fight with some pretty big (one eyed) monsters but luckily, they don't themselves become "monsters". For that viewpoint, one should only watch "Single White Shemale".

Although not the lighthearted romp I was expecting, (i.e "Adventures of the Fart Bitches"), this is still a fine cinematic achievement and fine commentary on

A.) the plight of the blue collar worker in American and B.) Misplaced seminal emissions.
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