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San Andreas (2015)
It was like the best part of every action/disaster movie for 2 hours
Yes, The Rock says every single clichéd action movie line I can remember. And yes, every one is hilariously predictable.
Yes, the hot girl is wet and her cleavage is showing for most of the movie.
Yes, every shot is crammed with mind-numbing amounts of CGI. Normally that bothers me, in this movie it just works. If you see it in 3D you will be drooling.
Go see it right now, seeing this in theaters is the absolute best waste of 2 hours you will spend all year, and I am extremely confident that you will have fun.
Remember that moment in Independence Day when the aliens blew up the white house? or in the Dark Knight when batman flips the whole 18 wheeler front-ways with his motorcycle? or how about when the entire city of London was demolished in GI Joe Retaliation? the handful of cool scenes in that weird Godzilla reboot?
San Andreas is basically 2 hours of jaw-dropping destruction, epic sequences, death scenes, and interspersed one-liners. It's great. I'd watch the whole thing again right now.
See it while it's in theaters. Don't think about it, just go.
Two unhinged sociopaths rampantly destroy people's lives. Deputy "Solverson" is on the case!
I just finished the first season and I already want to watch it again. It's not for everyone, but if you appreciate dark humor, twisted irony and a few vague metaphors, give it a shot. It's unpredictable to the point of defiance; every other scene is a twist or a giant leap forward in the story of these complete sociopaths. And the bumbling police chasing them are fun to watch, along with a few hot-shots (mostly played by comedians) who end up like all the others. If you aren't familiar with the movie Fargo, you may not understand what's going on. There's a very empty feeling to every outdoor shot due to the snowy whiteout and a subtle score/soundtrack meant to build tension. If you're invested in the story, the scenery and the atmosphere compliment the "true-crime" feel of the show perfectly. All the characters feel real, even if their actions are ridiculous. Certain moments on the show will stick with you for a while, especially the gruesome bits. This is what Breaking Bad fans are gonna start watching.
Yes Man (2008)
Yay, it's a silly happy movie! 90s Jim Carrey for the new age
It feels like a flashback to the 90s, just watch it you'd have to be a grouchy snob to hate it.
If you're reading reviews of this on IMDb, which you probably aren't, you'll probably watch this eventually anyways. Nothing but good vibes and silly Jim-Carrey-brand humor.
As far as I'm concerned, Jim Carrey is a genius, someone get him the peace prize already.
The message in this movie is phenomenal, everyone should apply it to their own lives. I think people become depressed when they cut off the world. More you embrace life, the better you feel, it's science.
On the real, though, great movie, great message, and just perfect for dates seriously, watch this movie with someone you want to see naked, it's like magic.
While you're at it, watch Truman Show, Liar Liar, Bruce Almighty, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Majestic, Me, Myself & Irene, et al.
G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2013)
Fantastically-stupid action movie, loads of fun for any age
My whole family has seen this movie, we all liked it for what it was.
It's not gonna win any awards, there are some hilarious goofs, but for an almost comic-book- like action movie with an insanely ridiculous plot, some fun characters, great action, and that special brand of B movie humor that festers in old action movies and horror movies, it's a great 2 hours for all ages.
Think of the film RED with slightly younger people- and Bruce Willis and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson (yes I have to say it all): there are guns of all shapes and sizes, some incredible explosions, London is leveled (take that Dark Knight Rises, you nancy betch) and everything is so ridiculous it works.
So what if there are flashbacks to Stormshadow's childhood with Zartan in his 50s? So what if the climax makes no sense? (the idea is still fantastic) ... and I liked how the main dude from the first movie died in the beginning, it upped the stakes!
It's BETTER than the first one, all new cast, original story, and the crazy mountain fight was fecking ridiculous
The first one wasn't even bad. Again, maybe stupid, but not bad, the idea of disintegrating Paris was great, right? And yeah, cheesy acting, its a G I Joe thing! If you liked the first one, this one is better.
Comedy Bang! Bang! (2012)
a good-weird IFC talk show
This was exactly what I expected from the commercials. It's goofy, ridiculous, and Reggie Watts is in it. Reggie and Scott have great banter.
Best part of the show, Reggie Watts doing the soundtrack to the ridiculousness, he's awesome. The guests are great, they're all in on it but they do a great "straight humor" routine. There's plenty of talk-show self-deprecating humor, it's great clever satire.
If you think it's too silly, you're expecting too much out of it. Just accept it for what it is.
I've seen every episode from the beginning and each one has something worth watching for. It's 30 minutes and much more hit than miss, you'll know by the end of the opening monologue if the show is for you.
If you like corny, surreal humor, that successfully pulls off repetition and satire, you'll have fun. Just relax, s a bowl and enjoy.
The Wolverine (2013)
Logan trips on acid, fights the Yakuza & Ninjas, catches yellow fever
I love the X-Men movies. The first three were endearing and fun movies with spectacular set- pieces, fun character interaction, and classic stories. I even liked Wolverine's Origin movie for what it was, though I understand why it let down so many fans.
But mostly, I love Logan the immortal Wolverine, the hopeless romantic, the loner, the leader, and the unstoppable hero.
I had such unwarranted, high expectations for this movie that I was bound to be let down, and I hold literally nothing against the rest of the series, but this one felt like a cop-out.
A safe little one-off campaign to whet our appetites, to reverse the damage from "Origins".
The characters are bland and boring. There are only maybe 5 main characters, being generous, and that's a Japanese family and Logan. I don't remember any mutant powers besides the archer.
Half the movie was zoom-in shots of each character's face, pointless and awkwardly paced- It didn't even feel like an X-Men movie. And a carnal sin of comic-book movies, it was frequently boring and slow!
Half of the movie is Logan having dreams of Jean Grey, again and again, very boring.
Wolverine takes down literally EVERY opponent in the movie in one swing of his claws. One! Every time! The whole, "make you mortal" plot line didn't go Anywhere!!! Nothing Effing Happened!
There were two decent fight scenes. The train scene, which honestly was kinda stupid, and the final battle which was a let-down in too many ways.
I haven't read this story, but it was a great idea and instead it feels like a one-off Japanese Wolverine movie. It's like Fox out-sourced the movie to some Japanese production company who just had no idea what to do with the material.
Dialogue blows, fighting is boring, characters are weak the only mutant powers on display are Logan's "slower" regeneration and a guy with perfect aim and a crossbow. And the scene where that girl cuts the barstool and the glass with the sword are the ONLY times sword-play is used effectively.
Days of Future Past, I'm counting on you
Sands of Oblivion (2007)
Another SyFy B movie gem
I've been half-asssedly reviewing all the SyFy movies I've been watching, and every once in a while I find real gold- Sands of Oblivion had a great, cheesy story, some goofy characters (although not quite on scale with "Sand Sharks" band of loons), the occasional bit of inspired dialogue amidst plenty of throw-away material. But MORE importantly, the "action" was hilarious, and had some very surreal gore that unless you're giving the movie proper attention to, you're liable to miss. Yea, it's a stupid movie. One that you'll never see outside of the SyFy channel, and maybe never again afterwards. But for those "Wtf just happened" moments, some goofy violence, increasingly poor decisions and that B movie vibe, SandsofOblivion will kill 2 hours, AND give you some attractive people to root for.
The Conjuring (2013)
it's a slightly above-average, cliché-ridden haunted house flick
Its short, never totally boring but never completely scary. Yes you see the ghost, she looks stupid and you see her from the beginning. There are parts you'll laugh that aren't meant to be funny.
The characters were boring, the "action" was mostly stupid, but there were occasionally startling moments and some decent direction. I wish I hadn't paid to see it.
I was hoping and expecting the movie to push the normal limits of ghost movies, but The Conjuring only toes the line with things like pulling people across the room, or tea bagging the family while they sleep.
Stay home and watch "The Messengers" again, it was better. Or The Haunting or The Haunting in Connecticut or Amityville Horror
all better movies.
Sand Sharks (2012)
Had to rate this- quality SyFy self-indulgent garbage
I love these stupid movies, especially the ones that go out of their way to make no sense. They don't take themselves seriously in the least, they know exactly what you expect when you watch one. Its all corny one-liners, wacky characters, babes, and of course campy monster-violence. The rest of this review should just be that sentence over and over: corny one-liners, wacky characters, babes and campy monster-violence- that's it! I wanted to review this one because it was particularly good, and I've seen my fair share. I'll be reviewing more soon, but since this one I've seen some terrible SyFy originals (Mongolian Death-Worm, unfortunately, Ba'al the Storm God, list goes on) but this one rocked. Spend two hours in HILARIOUS nonsense land, and brace yourself for the most OBVIOUS, IDIOTIC climax you've ever seen. SAND SHARKS!
(so sand sharks DO become land sharks!)
Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines (2012)
DOUG EFFING BRADLEY, already STELLAR horror movie series
I'm so obsessed with this series now it's unhealthy, and adding my favorite horror movie series' villain's actor (DOUG BRADLEY, PINHEAD, HELLRAISER) and returning to the formula that this series thrives in was the best choice they could have made. What makes these stupid movies work are excellent one-liners (the classic 'give me a hand', begets a dismembered one) and ridiculous campy violence. I swear every minute of these movies is packed with entertainment. If you're expecting more than effed-up hilarity and fantasy violence, steer clear. If you have a stomach for campy fun horror, this whole series is a gold-mine.
I never pay full price for movies, I have two pawn-shops I frequent, and I get ones I need online. My DVD collection looks like a library now and the only movies I paid full price for are my "Wrong Turn" collection, "Hellraiser" collection, and my "Nightmare on Elm St.", "Friday 13th" "Halloween" "Children of the Corn" collections. and "The Descent". and "The X-Files" series. and the first 3 "Pirates of the Caribbean" movies. ...what am I reviewing again?
Malcolm in the Middle: Pilot (2000)
Classic 90s sitcom with love in every stitch
Everyone with a soft-spot for 90s television needs to sit through even the first season of Malcolm in the Middle. It's the most sincere sitcom-family you'll ever see, and every character has a place in your own family. I remember growing up feeling like Malcolm all the time, and now watching it again, I have way more in common with Francis the ne'er-do-well. What makes this show amazing are the exceptionally well-casted characters, the fun writing and crazy plot situations, and how perfectly relatable every bit of it is. You feel like you're sitting in on your average, crazy week in the lives of this outrageous, yet realistic middle class family, while they grow and learn the same way I did growing up: making mistakes. All the while there's sharp, hilarious dialogue that feels honest coming from the last great golden-age of sitcoms. If you're reading reviews just watch the show, you'll know in the first ten minutes if it's for you.
Southland Tales (2006)
Fun and gooey
I'm surprised this movie has such a low review given its ripeness for cult-status. Here it is: unlike most movies you'll see nowadays it helps having a basic understanding of what you're getting into with "Southland Tales". Like this director's debut, Donnie Darko, this movie doesn't quite fit into just one genre. What you have is like a Mars Volta blend of different genres supercharged into a colorful, functional conflagration of concepts and some stupendously zany characters. This movie works because it doesn't take itself seriously; it's like it emerged from an ooze of vibrant science fiction, B movie horror, and Terry Gilliam-type fantasy, set in a quasi- realistic near-future more hilarious than Idiocracy but more disturbing than the dystopias in movies like Total Recall or Blade Runner.
It's not gritty, it's gooey and fluorescent, and I'm pretty sure it's breathing- and the genius of the movie: whether you're in for something of a mind-bender you can break apart and chew on for a while, or you just want to watch something brainless and fun, it functions both ways. If you don't want to think about every detail, break apart each characters story and purpose, don't under any circumstance, because that's what ruins the movie for a lot of people. They realize there's more to the movie, but all they see is the goofiness, and if you can't get past that goofiness on your first go-around, just embrace it and enjoy it without trying to analyze too much. If you ARE into over-analyzing, i don't want to give anything away, but there are some wonderful references to Shakespeare, particularly Macbeth, worth looking for.
The story is based on the book of Revelations in the bible, I've never read it, but i've been reading about it online. Quick summary: Justin Timberlake with eye shadow is witnessing a series of events that lead up to the end of the world, all taking place in a region of the future North America, called Southland. Scientists discover quantum teleportation and with it, clean, renewable energy. An actor and a soldier are both mysteriously teleported, which clones their bodies. They wake up with amnesia and are kidnapped by some of the outlandish "power-players" of this dystopian California. There are hints that if any clones were to meet each other and shake hands, the fabric of space-time would collapse because as everyone knows, no two identical forms can exist in the same space at the same time. While there are other side-stories for every character, this is literally ALL you need to know if you're just watching this movie to be entertained.
This movie deserves at least 7 stars for presenting what I would consider a more realistic future world than similar sci-fi, with a traceable history to explain how it changed. Also there are some excellent references to literature, and some very cool metaphors that are fun to figure out. And the movie cover is the upside down flag, fo' shizzle
I would've paid $13 just to watch the end credits in 3D
This movie gets better every time you watch it. The first time I saw it in theaters, the effects and the fast pace of the plot drew my attention away from the storyline, which is simple enough to neglect. But what I didn't realize is how well written the characters are. I love how these comic-book movies are being connected now, and how they focus on entertainment, the story and the characters, over serious dialogue or complex messages, the way comics should be (I am pointing fingers, DC). Then there's Natalie Portman who, despite playing the gushing love interest decently enough, tends to slow things down when tensions run high, with less compelling (normal maybe) dialogue in what is otherwise a great, campy, extremely colorful fairytale about gods and monsters in a neat 90 minute, pg13 fantasy action adventure... AND THEN you get 15 minutes of the coolest flipping endcredit sequence of galaxies and wormholes all imploding and exploding in vibrant colors and shapes zooming through the universe in glorious 3D, so trippy and wonderful that the stoner in you cries tears of joy into the last bits of popcorn you forgot about because you were too busy verbally abusing your children from that recliner that has permanently morphed to your body shape from how many hours you waste watching movies and reading IMDb comments...
Spring Breakers (2012)
You go for the action, you stay for the "action"
There are certain movies, just like there are certain people, that you need to be in the right mood to watch and be entertained by. This is basically a weird, half-stupid (in it's brilliance, appropriately so) B movie that works bizarrely well as a cross-section of modern American college students, and the party culture that pervades beach states and college towns. It's fun. It's campy. It's excessive in it's violence, sexuality, drug use and just over-all perversion, because "Spring Breakers" is drug culture in every glorious, hypnotic, DESPERATE and barbaric way. The objectification, the racism, all just icing on the pot-brownie. At the same time, it can be shocking enough to make a point... while still wiggling its bare tits in slow motion for a third of the run-time. F(expletive) yes I'd see this movie again, James Franco played a redneck drug- dealer and Riff-Raff parody hilariously well, and the amount of booty that flashes on the screen at any point in time is SCANDALOUS and lemme just say, the sex in this movie, the sexiness and the straight up sex in this movie, is just great. It really is. I don't think a single person under the age of 40 wouldn't/didn't drool through half the movie. These girls act out the life I dream about 5 to 6 times a week with the door locked, only for two straight hours and with a sick soundtrack (not a Skrillex fan, but it's true), and just pure excess dripping from every pixel like the poison that corrupts our youth... and parents of teenage girls would do well to see this movie, just so they know what their slutty teenage daughters could be up to, blowing some idiot with grillz behind Taco Bell, wasted, cracked out, drenched in beer and wearing the same neon bathing suit she's been wearing for two weeks... because the raw honesty of drug culture in this movie can be just as terrifying as more realistic or less retarded drug movies.
So to modify my statement from before, anyone male under the age of 40 would probably drool their way through Spring Breakers. If you're looking for a mind-numbing, boner-popping good time, with practically no thought process, that repeats itself like that senile relative you never see but has the naked body of Vanessa Hudgens & co, you might enjoy it.
Hostel: Part III (2011)
I appreciate what some narrow-minded gore snobs are saying about this entry's clever use of subtlety in favor over the excessive, graphic violence and gore that sometimes kills suspense and lends nothing to most sequels. Instead, this Hostel entry breaks the mold with well-timed gags, fake-outs, misdirection, and legitimate suspense. I can honestly say I didn't expect one thing that happened in the movie from the beginning. Every sharp turn kept the plot more interesting and the action more intense, and that more of the action took place outside the torture room was much more satisfying in my opinion. The gore and violence in the torture scenes and around Vegas is more than sufficient, and wickedly satisfying compared to the other, more disturbing and nasty torture sequences of the former films. There seemed to be an overall homage to "what would really happen in 'The Hangover'" that played out perfectly. I liked the characters, who were basically believable and surprisingly well acted. I like how the director played on the audience's stereotypes at certain times, and I would be very interested in seeing more of this production crew.
Srpski film (2010)
Horrible, every one involved should take a hard look at themselves. What kind of evil person gets off on this? It's perverse and disgusting. This crap takes pedophilia to the next level, I'm ashamed of humanity, the filmmakers, the people who watched this and suggested it to other people, even the people who enjoyed it. Sick and twisted, mutilated then eye-hole raped to death (what, I saw it in Serbian Film) Seriously. I'm a huge B movie fan, but there's something bizarre going on in modern horror cinema, and filmmakers have been toeing the line for decades-- now they're taking this gruesome exploitation beyond where it was ever supposed to go. Movies are for entertainment, it's an art form. What some of these exploitative movies do isn't fun, it's not shock value for any kind of entertainment, there's nothing artistic about it, it's just perverse and awful. Ugh, have some respect, don't spread this vile masturbatory violence any more. If my future children were to watch this, I'd be mortified. I'm mortified that people's children watch this now, can we just forget about this movie?