Janet : [posing as therapist] Tahani, what do you value about Jason?
Tahani Al-Jamil : Well, he's thoughtful picks flowers and brings them to me. Often they're ones I've just planted, but... /.
Jason Mendoza : That's how I know they fresh.
Tahani Al-Jamil : He's the least self-aware person I've ever met. He has massive amounts of unearned confidence, and is utterly unaware of his own absurdity. Therefore, quite good at sex.
Jason Mendoza : I'm nice to you, and you're mean to me. There's something wrong about that, but I can't put my finger on what it is.
Tahani Al-Jamil : Oh, Jason. I genuinely like you, but it's hard to change all at once. Can you give me a little more time?
Jason Mendoza : Okay. I agree to keep this on the DL for now, if you agree to grab my butt in public once a week. You can say I sat in gum and that you're trying to scrape it off.
Tahani Al-Jamil : You *do* sit in a lot of gum.
Tahani Al-Jamil : Jason's a nice person, but my suitors were always of a certain... echelon. I used what I call the duke rule, because "Duke" is both minimum-acceptable university and rank of nobility.
Chidi Anagonye : We are going to tackle the trolley problem.
Jason Mendoza : Is this a game? I go first. I call blue.
Chidi Anagonye : There's no... no, this is... no. This is a thought experiment first introduced by British philosopher Philippa Foot in 1967. You are driving a trolley when the brakes fail. And on the track ahead of you are five workmen that you will run over. Now, you can steer to another track, but on that track is one person you would kill instead of the five. What do you do?
Eleanor Shellstrop : Do we know anything about the people? Like, is one of them an ex-boyfriend or that snooty girl from Rite Aid who was always silently judging my purchases? It's like, "Yeah, chicky! A Baby Ruth and birth control, I see the irony. Keep a-swiping!"
Chidi Anagonye : You don't know any of the workers.
Eleanor Shellstrop : Okay, well, then that's easy. I switch tracks. Kill one person instead of five.
Tahani Al-Jamil : But this is hard, 'cause the only trolley I've ever been on is James Franco's ironic trolley. It travels backwards from his penguin grotto to his garage of adult tricycles.
[seeing the others' looks]
Tahani Al-Jamil : Um... kill one and save five.
Michael : Tahani, here's yours.
Tahani Al-Jamil : [soft ding] Holy mama. Is this a diamond?
Michael : Yeah. Honestly, I don't get the appeal. Diamonds are literally carbon molecules lined up in the most boring way. They're worthless space garbage. What you're holding right now, that's basically meteorite poop.
Tahani Al-Jamil : [squealing] And I have the biggest piece!
Michael : And finally, Chidi. You were a tough nut to crack, but I think I figured it out.
[Janet hands Michael a weathered notebook]
Michael : This is a replica of a lost notebook from the desk of Immanuel Kant. It contains never-before-seen thoughts and musings, and several... uh, crude erotic drawings. Interesting guy, actually. The point is, no one on Earth has ever seen this... except for you.
Chidi Anagonye : Cool.
[Chidi takes the notebook and drops it into the trash without even a glance]
Chidi Anagonye : This isn't an apology. It's a bribe, and I'm not interested.
Eleanor Shellstrop : [mouth full of jumbo shrimp] Yeah, we can't be bought.
Michael : What do you want from me, man? You want me to give you a golden nameplate for your office? Or you want a diamond bigger than Tahani's?
Tahani Al-Jamil : No! Then this would be worthless.
Chidi Anagonye : I don't want anything.
Michael : [scoffs] Oh. Oh, okay. Ah, I get it, I get it. You want me to admit that I was wrong. You want me to say, "Oh, Chidi, I'm so sorry. Because I didn't understand human ethics and you do, it made me feel insecure and I lashed out. And, oh, please help me, because I feel so, so lost and vulnerable."
Chidi Anagonye : Yes.
Michael : [heartfelt] Oh, Chidi, I am so sorry. I, um... I didn't understand human ethics, and you do. And it made me feel insecure, and I lashed out. And I really need your help, because I feel... so lost and vulnerable.
Tahani Al-Jamil : Janet?
Janet : Hi, there.
Tahani Al-Jamil : If I were to tell you something personal about myself, you couldn't tell anyone about it, right?
Janet : Right.
Tahani Al-Jamil : So, in a way, you're sort of like a therapist.
Janet : Absolutely not. A therapist is a trained medical professional with the ability to absorb and process complex ideas about human emotion. I am simply a vessel containing all of the knowledge in the universe.
Tahani Al-Jamil : Close enough. Jason and I are sleeping together.
Janet : Okay.
Tahani Al-Jamil : Obviously, no one can ever know. I mean, I wouldn't shag Jason if he were the last man on Earth. But well, he sort of is. And I am. Shagging him, I mean.