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"Scream Queens" Ghost Stories (TV Episode 2015) Poster

(TV Series)

(2015)

Quotes

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Hester Ulrich: Well, I guess we'll just have to see how it goes bringing Chanel home for thanksgiving.

Chad Radwell: Yeah, I guess we will see, as that's what's going to happen.

Hester Ulrich: I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Chad Radwell: Yeah, we will wait and see, as thanksgiving is an event that takes place in the future, and therefore it hasn't happened yet.

Hester Ulrich: We'll see.

Chad Radwell: Yep, sure will, as the arrow of time flows in one direction causing future events to flow inexorably towards us.

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Chanel #5: Chanel, you cannot just run around murdering people. Okay? That just means you're the killer.

Chanel #3: It makes her A killer not THE killer.

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Chanel #3: You've come back to get revenge on me for saying you couldn't gay-pledge Kappa. I'm so sorry about that! Please don't kill me. I'm sorta gay now too.

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Chanel Oberlin: No more ghost stories!

Chanel #5: Or at least stop setting them in bathrooms!

Chanel Oberlin: I really have to pee but there is no way I'm going anywhere near a toilet, so if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna look for a salad bowl to squat over under the stairwell.

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[Chanel #5 exits]

Chanel Oberlin: Let's wait and hear if she makes it downstairs to make sure the killer isn't still here.

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Dean Cathy Munsch: I do have something that might be of interest to you about that night in the tub. There were two babies, a boy and a girl. Twins. After I sent your mother and her two slightly-less-bitchy friends out to get pillow cases and shovels, the girl in the tub let out a death rattle that was so loud and powerful that she expelled a second child from her freshly dead womb.

Grace Gardner: I knew it!

Dean Cathy Munsch: Congratulations... on making this moment all about you.

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Chanel Oberlin: We have to figure out a way to get rid of Chanel #6.

Chanel #5: When you say "get rid of her," do you mean, like, force her to leave or kill her?

Chanel Oberlin: Honestly #5, do you think I'm insane? The bitch seduced my boyfriend into getting her pregnant! Of course I mean "kill her!"

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Chanel Oberlin: I don't understand why you're making us bubble-wrap each item of clothing.

Denise Hemphill: Are you kidding me? How much did this dress cost?

Chanel Oberlin: Sixty-three thousand dollars.

Denise Hemphill: Uh yeah, okay! When something costs *sixty-three thousand dollars*, you wrap it in bubble-wrap.

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Chanel #5: I cannot believe that no one is comforting me after I was almost murdered by the Red Devil, who was in the back seat of my car, and then I barely escaped as some poor, old truck driver was hacked to death with a machete! I mean, you know, I thought I could at least get some props for coming back with such an amazing, scary story.

Chanel Oberlin: Actually, #5, that story is neither scary nor amazing. That story is an exact facsimile of the hook-hand story Hester told about an hour ago. Honestly, if you're gonna get attacked, please attempt to get attacked in a fresh and exciting way.

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Chanel #3: You're Boone. You were killed by the Red Devil, which means...

Boone Clemens: Fine. Okay, you caught me. I'm...

Chanel #3: A ghost!

Boone Clemens: Yeah. Yeah, I'm- I'm the ghost of dead Booooone!

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Chanel Oberlin: Thanksgiving is next Thursday, and if any of you stupid whores ever cracked a book every now and again, you'd know I'm dressed as Sacajawea. She helped the Pilgrims with their harvest on what is now known as the first Thanksgiving.

Hester Ulrich: No she didn't, you're thinking of Squanto.

Chanel Oberlin: Um, no. Squanto was friends with The Lone Ranger.

Chanel #3: Sacajawea guided the Lewis and Clark expedition.

Chanel Oberlin: What? No way! Sacajawea taught the Pilgrims how to make cranberry sauce and then, like, sang Blue Corn Moon or something.

Hester Ulrich: That was Pocahontas.

Chanel Oberlin: Dammit, are you serious? I'm trying to impress Mr. and Mrs. Radwell and I just spent two hours dressing up as the hag who didn't realize she was the third wheel on Lewis and Clark's gay camping extravaganza!

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Chanel #3: I am personally being haunted by a ghost... Late last night, I was walking around campus and I saw the ghost of dead gay Boone. The ghost of dead gay Boone is walking the earth. We had, like, a full conversation.

Chanel #5: That is so stupid because ghosts don't exist.

Chanel #3: Oh really? Then why won't my hands stop shaking?

Chanel Oberlin: Because you're hungover.

Chanel #3: Of course I'm hungover. You know why I had to get hammered last night? Because I saw the ghost of dead gay Boone!

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Denise Hemphill: When I get scared and I feel like, like, ISIS done broke in my house, I tell myself real scary ghost stories and then my fear of the ISIS is replaced and I'm scared of the Candyman, who returns from the dead when you say his name five times. Candyman, Candyman!

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Denise Hemphill: Them Japanese got all manner of weirdass ghost stories and the one about the Kappa is the creepiest of all. They live in the sewer and they just waitin' for you to sit your ass on the toilet so they can REACH UP and grab you, SNATCH you by the vagina, and drown your crushed body in raw sewage! The... end.

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Chanel #5: He's not gonna stop until all of us are dead! He is the predator and we are the prey. They only way to stop the killings? Cut off his food supply.

Chanel #3: Wait. When did he start eating us?

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Zayday Williams: Nice shirt.

Boone Clemens: Thank you. You know what it's made out of?

Zayday Williams: What?

Boone Clemens: Boyfriend material.

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Radio Announcer: There is currently an APB, or All Points Bulletin, to be on the lookout for Boone Clemens in connection with the recent Red Devil killings. Boone is very handsome but police are requesting you not approach him, as he may be dangerous. He also may or may not be gay.

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Chanel Oberlin: You are gonna pay big time for this, Chad Radwell! You might even just pay the ultimate price.

Chad Radwell: Ultimate... Wait, hold on, did you just threaten to kill me? Chanel, are you the killer?

Chanel Oberlin: I guess we'll see.

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Zayday Williams: If you came here to apologize, we're not interested.

Dean Cathy Munsch: Oh, I never say I'm sorry. I've done what I had to do for the sake of this school and my career, both of which will be here long after you or any of the students here are gone, either through graduation or death.

Grace Gardner: I am shocked that your husband left you.

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Gigi Caldwell: Are you about to break into song? Because all I'm hearing out of your mouth is, "me-me-me-me-me!"

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Chanel Oberlin: I just realized that I love Chad so much, and part of loving someone is loving every choice they make regardless of how selfish and destructive it is.

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Chanel Oberlin: Listen up, hogface sluts. Just because tonight's our last night at Kappa House before we're forced to evacuate campus doesn't mean you get to mope around acting all sad!

Chanel #5: Why would we be sad? This is a house of death! Six people have been murdered here in a month, now we finally get to leave!

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Chad Radwell: Her name was Debbie and she and dad were dating, but he didn't give her a silver turkey wishbone necklace so she was not invited to Thanksgiving but showed up anyway and then hung herself in the orchard, and now the whole house is haunted. Yeah, like, the furniture will just start screaming or, like, you'll crack open a Mountain Dew and you'll start to drink it and then it'll just turn to blood.

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Chanel Oberlin: I actually don't care that tonight's the last night of Kappa Kappa Tau because I have successfully used this sorority for its proper, god-given purpose.

Hester Ulrich: To be part of a sisterhood and make lifelong friends!

Chanel Oberlin: Eww. No. For making me popular enough to get a hot, rich husband!

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Chanel Oberlin: I'm about to be, like, *super* rich.

Chanel #5: Not if the ghost murders you first.

Chanel #3: Or it follows you home and murders you here.

Hester Ulrich: Or if you get murdered tonight because it's the last night of Kappa Kappa Tau and it seems *highly* likely that the killer will come after us.

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Chad Radwell: Listen, you probably already know this because you saw it from Heaven, but I kinda had sex with a few girls in your bed after you died. I didn't mean any disrespect, I just kinda wanted that feeling of vacation sex, you know?

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Boone Clemens: I don't wanna be dead anymore, bro. Look, if I can get Zayday to love me and have sex with me, I can stay on earth.

Chad Radwell: Wait, how does that work?

Boone Clemens: Haven't you ever heard the phrase, "Once you go black, you never go back?"

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Chanel #3: The police aren't going to help us! You can't stop a ghost!

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Chad Radwell: Last time we porked, I heard a tiny little squeal, like somebody letting air out of a balloon, followed by the smell of death. I feel like you farted.

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Dean Cathy Munsch: I am not only gonna make sure that you are taken off this case and fired, but I'm gonna make sure that everyone you know knows that when we had sex, you asked me *in baby talk* if you could nurse from me.

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Gigi Caldwell: You jeopardized a plan that was almost twenty years in the making when you kidnapped Zayday. Then you disobeyed my instructions to only come out in the devil costume and strolled around campus in broad daylight disguised as... Joaquin Phoenix?

Boone Clemens: That disguise was brilliant!

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Gigi Caldwell: Boone, you are the weakest link.

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Chad Radwell: Most of the time, we porked in a way that could not result in pregnancy... if you know what I mean.

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Chanel #5: You killed her! Chanel #6 is dead!

Chanel Oberlin: I realize that my killing neckbrace might just seem like a bridge too far, but trust me when I say this had to happen! And I'm confident that I'll be able to redeem myself morally in everyone's eyes.

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Chad Radwell: You're so hot you give my bone a bone.

Chanel Oberlin: Thank you for that compliment, Chad!

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[Chanel tells Chad that Hester's pregnant]

Chad Radwell: I'm sorry, Chanel. Look, I'm as pissed off about this as you are. That Hester chick is weird! Tossin' her the bone was not even all that fun. But I guess I gotta marry her now, take her home to Thanksgiving.

Chanel Oberlin: Wait, what?

Chad Radwell: I'm sorry, Chanel, that's just how the Radwells roll. We make our beds, then we lie in them... we lie in them with our creepy, neckbrace, scoliosis wives.

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Boone Clemens: I grew up in an institution surrounded by people who called themselves Timothy Busfield and ate their own poop.

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Detective Chisolm: Since these killings began, I have focused my investigation on a single theory... that the perpetrator of these murders was not being caught because he's a ghost. Now these recent developments have proven, much to my horror, that I am right.

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Chanel Oberlin: What I just did will become a new ghost story, a cautionary tale about what happens to hog-faced bitches who try to steal hotter Kappa's boyfriends. A story that'll be told around the campfire by Kappa pledges for centuries to come.

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