[Tywin and Cersei are strolling through the wedding feast]
Tywin Lannister: You're in rather a good mood.
Cersei Lannister: I suppose I am.
Tywin Lannister: I won't ask why.
Cersei Lannister: Small pleasures.
[Oberyn and Ellaria walk past]
Oberyn Martell: Your Grace! Lord Tywin!
Tywin Lannister: Prince Oberyn.
Oberyn Martell: I don't believe you have met Ellaria. This is the Lord Hand, Tywin Lannister, and Cersei Lannister, the Queen Regent. I suppose it is "former Queen Regent" now. Lord Hand, Lady Cersei... Ellaria Sand.
Ellaria Sand: My lord. My lady.
Tywin Lannister: Charmed.
Cersei Lannister: Can't say I've ever met a Sand before.
Ellaria Sand: We are everywhere in Dorne. I have ten thousand brothers and sisters.
Oberyn Martell: Bastards are born of passion, aren't they? We don't despise them in Dorne.
Cersei Lannister: No? How tolerant of you.
Oberyn Martell: I expect it is a relief, Lady Cersei, giving up your regal responsibilities. Wearing the crown for so many years must have left your neck a bit crooked.
Cersei Lannister: I suppose you'll never know, Prince Oberyn. It's a shame your older brother couldn't attend the wedding.
Tywin Lannister: Please give him my regards. With any luck, the gout will abate with time and he'll be able to walk again.
Oberyn Martell: They call it a rich man's disease. A wonder you don't have it.
Tywin Lannister: Noblemen in my part of the country don't enjoy the same lifestyle as our counterparts in Dorne.
Oberyn Martell: People everywhere have their differences. In some places, the highborn frown upon those of low birth. In other places, the rape and murder of women and children is considered distasteful. What a fortunate thing for you, former Queen Regent, that your daughter Myrcella has been sent to live in a latter sort of place.
[at Joffrey's wedding, Loras exchanges flirtatious gazes with Oberyn Martell. He walks backwards and bumps into Jaime]
Loras Tyrell: Ser Jaime, I'm very sorry.
Jaime Lannister: Ser Loras, it's quite all right.
[Jaime watches Margaery]
Jaime Lannister: Your sister looks very beautiful.
Loras Tyrell: As does yours.
Jaime Lannister: So... looking forward to your wedding?
[Loras pauses slightly before answering]
Loras Tyrell: Yes, very much.
Jaime Lannister: Our fathers are both rather keen on the prospect.
Loras Tyrell: They certainly are.
Jaime Lannister: Perhaps they should get married.
Jaime Lannister: If you were to marry Cersei, she'd murder you in your sleep.
[Loras' smile fades and he frowns]
Jaime Lannister: If you somehow managed to put a child in her first, she'd murder him, too, long before he drew his first breath. Luckily for you, none of this will happen because you'll never marry her.
Loras Tyrell: [nods] And neither will you.
[Loras walks away]
[Bronn meets Jaime in an isolated place for training]
Jaime Lannister: My brother tells me you can keep your mouth shut. Unusual talent for a sellsword.
Bronn: He tells me you shit gold. Just like your father.
Jaime Lannister: Is this place safe?
[Jaime throws Bronn a pouch of money. Bronn opens the pouch and examines its contents]
Bronn: There's this knight, uh, Leygood. Got thunderbolts on his shield?
Jaime Lannister: Uh-huh.
Bronn: Right here is where I fuck his wife. She's a screamer, that one. If they don't hear her, they won't hear us.
[Jaime unsheathes his sword]
Bronn: [whistles] I've never seen Valyrian steel before. She's a beauty. Problem is, if you fight with an edged blade, I'll have to. And if I fight with an edged blade, I'll have no one left to pay me.
[Bronn pulls out two blunted training swords and drops one on the ground]
Jaime Lannister: [grumpily] I haven't used a sparring sword since I was nine.
[Jaime reaches down to pick up his sword, but Bronn swats it out of his hand]
Jaime Lannister: Ahh! Bold warrior you are, attacking a man when his guard's down.
Bronn: Best time to attack a man!
[Jaime barely has time to pick up his sword, before Bronn lunges at him. They spar for a few seconds, before Bronn pushes Jaime into a wall]
Bronn: Mind yourself.
Jaime Lannister: If I still had my right hand...
Bronn: Plan on growing it back?
[they continue to spar; Bronn almost knocks Jaime over, and Jaime waves him off. Breathing heavily, Jaime repositions himself with a determined look on his face]
Jaime Lannister: Come on, then.
[they resume sparring]
Roose Bolton: What did you do to him?
Ramsay Snow: I trained him, he was a slow learner, but he learned.
Roose Bolton: You flayed him.
Ramsay Snow: Peeled a few bits... removed a few others.
Roose Bolton: This was Balon Greyjoy's son and heir.
Ramsay Snow: We've been flaying our enemies for a thousand years. The flayed man is on our banners!
Roose Bolton: MY banners, not yours. You're not a Bolton, you're a Snow.
[Roose walks away. Ramsay looks angry]
[at Joffrey's wedding, Pycelle is making a pass at a servant girl. Cersei approaches them]
Grand Maester Pycelle: No, no, no. Come to my chambers and I will examine you personally.
Cersei Lannister: [interrupts] She'll do no such thing.
Grand Maester Pycelle: [to Cersei] Oh, Your Grace. This young lady sought my advice on a rather, uh...
Cersei Lannister: [to the girl] Just see Qyburn, he's quite good.
[the girl leaves]
Grand Maester Pycelle: Qyburn? Deplorable man. Brought shame on the Citadel with his repugnant experiments...
Cersei Lannister: More repugnant than your gnarled fingers on that girl's thighs?
Grand Maester Pycelle: Your Grace, I am a man of learning...
Cersei Lannister: My little brother had you sent to the black cells when you annoyed him. What do you think I could do to you if you annoyed me?
Grand Maester Pycelle: I never meant to annoy anyone...
Cersei Lannister: But you ARE. You're annoying me right now. Every breath you draw in my presence annoys me. So here's what I want you to do. I want you to leave my presence. Leave this wedding right now, go to the kitchens, and instruct them that all the leftovers from the feast will be brought to the kennels.
Grand Maester Pycelle: Your Grace, uh, Queen Margaery said they were to be...
Cersei Lannister: The QUEEN is telling you the leftovers will feed the dogs... or you will.
[Pycelle leaves; Cersei waits until he is gone, smiles, and walks away]
[Jaime and Tyrion are eating dinner together; Jaime hasn't touched his food]
Tyrion Lannister: Your new hand is nicer than the old one. Wouldn't you agree, Pod?
Podrick Payne: Is it solid gold?
Tyrion Lannister: Gilded steel. Not eating. Why is no one eating? My wife wastes away, my brother starves himself...
Jaime Lannister: I'm not hungry.
Tyrion Lannister: You lost a hand, not a stomach. Try the boar. Cersei can't get enough since one killed Robert for her.
[Pod steps forward with a sausage on a fork, but Jaime waves it away. Tyrion picks up his cup of wine]
Tyrion Lannister: A toast. To the proud Lannister children: the dwarf, the cripple, and the mother of madness.
[Jaime reaches for his cup, but he accidentally knocks it over with his new hand]
Podrick Payne: I'll clean it up...
Jaime Lannister: No, I'll do it. Leave us.
[Pod leaves; Tyrion spills his wine onto the table]
Tyrion Lannister: It's only wine.
Jaime Lannister: [quietly] I can't fight anymore.
Tyrion Lannister: What about your left?
Jaime Lannister: I can hold a sword, but all my instincts are wrong. How can I protect the king when I can hardly wipe my own arse?
Tyrion Lannister: You're the Lord Commander now. Command. Let others do the fighting. When was the last time Father used a sword?
Jaime Lannister: I'm not Father, I'm the Kingslayer. When people find out I can't slay a pigeon...
Tyrion Lannister: Train, then. Learn to fight with your other hand.
Jaime Lannister: With whom? You? Men talk. As soon as someone discovers I can't fight, he'll tell everyone.
[Tyrion considers that for a moment]
Tyrion Lannister: You need a proper, discreet swordsman. As it happens, I have just the one.
Tyrion Lannister: A toast. To the proud Lannister children: the dwarf, the cripple, and the mother of madness.
Bronn: All taken care of.
Tyrion Lannister: You saw her board the ship?
Bronn: Aye, she's on it.
Tyrion Lannister: And you saw the ship sail away?
Bronn: No one knows she's there but you, me, and Varys.
Tyrion Lannister: How do you know?
Bronn: Because if someone follows me without an invitation, I'm the last person they ever follow.
Tyrion Lannister: [worriedly] Is someone following you?
[Bronn puts a hand on Tyrion's shoulder]
Bronn: She's gone. I know you don't want to believe it, but she is. Now, go drink until it feels like you did the right thing.
Joffrey Baratheon: [after humiliating Tyrion] Kneel. Kneel before your king.
[Tyrion looks up disdainfully]
Joffrey Baratheon: Kneel.
[they glare at each other tensely]
Joffrey Baratheon: I said... KNEEL!
Margaery Tyrell: [breaking the uncomfortable silence] Look, the pie!
Cersei Lannister: [referring to Tyrion] He did this. He poisoned my son, your king. Take him. Take him! TAKE HIM! TAKE HIM!
[Brienne approaches Joffrey. She bows, somewhat clumsily]
Brienne of Tarth: [to Cersei] Your Grace.
Brienne of Tarth: [to Joffrey] My king.
Brienne of Tarth: [to Margaery] My queen.
[Margaery rises and offers her hand to Brienne]
Margaery Tyrell: Lady Brienne.
[Brienne shakes Margaery's hand]
Margaery Tyrell: So good of you to come.
Brienne of Tarth: [smiles] I'm no lady, your Grace.
Cersei Lannister: [smiles teasingly] Did you just bow?
Brienne of Tarth: [calmly] Apologies, your Grace. I never did master the curtsy.
Joffrey Baratheon: [points at Brienne] You're the one who put a sword through Renly Baratheon.
Margaery Tyrell: That's not true, my love. Brienne had nothing to do with it.
Joffrey Baratheon: [sneers] A shame. I'd knight the man that put an end to that deviant's life.
Brienne of Tarth: I just wanted to congratulate you both and wish you good fortune. The country has been at war too long. I hope your reign is long and peaceful.
Joffrey Baratheon: [bored] Yes, yes.
Margaery Tyrell: [warmly] Thank you. I hope we see more of you.
Ramsay Snow: [Theon is shaving Ramsay] Reek, tell father where are Bran and Rickon Stark?
Theon Greyjoy: I don't know, my lord.
Roose Bolton: You murdered them and displayed their corpses at Winterfell.
Ramsay Snow: Reek, did you murder the Stark boys?
Theon Greyjoy: No, my lord. Just two farm boys.
Ramsay Snow: [as Roose realizes what had happened] And crisped them so no one would know.
Theon Greyjoy: Yes, my lord.
Ramsay Snow: The Starks have always ruled the North. If Bran and Rickon are alive, the country will rally to their side, now that Robb Stark is gone.
[Theon abruptly stops shaving Ramsay]
Ramsay Snow: Oh, that's right, Reek. Robb Stark is dead. Sorry. I know he was like a brother to you, but my father put a knife through his heart. How do you feel about that?
[Theon sniffles then resumes shaving Ramsay]
Roose Bolton: [to Locke] You ready for a hunt?
Roose Bolton: Find those boys and I'll give you a thousand acres and a holdfast.
Locke: [to Ramsay] Your pet rat have any thoughts on which way they went after Winterfell?
Theon Greyjoy: Jon Snow is at Castle Black.
Locke: Who the fuck's Jon Snow?
Roose Bolton: Their bastard brother. He could be sheltering them. He may know where they are.
Ramsay Snow: [wiping the shaving cream off his face] Even if he doesn't, he's half Stark himself. He could be a threat.
Roose Bolton: You want to prove yourself a Bolton? Gather whatever men you can and ride for Moat Cailin. Bring this creature of yours. Maybe he'll be of some use. Take the Moat for the family, for *our* family, and I'll reconsider your position.
[Ramsay smiles in glee]
Joffrey Baratheon: [being served wine by Tyrion] Mmm. Good. Needs washing down.
Tyrion Lannister: If it please, your Grace, Lady Sansa is very tired...
Joffrey Baratheon: No.
Joffrey Baratheon: You'll wait here... un...
Tyrion Lannister: Your Grace?
Joffrey Baratheon: It's nothing!
[He gasps for breath. Margaery sees shock on his face]
Margaery Tyrell: He's choking!
[Tywin and Cersei shift their chairs in a panic]
Olenna Tyrell: Help the poor boy!
[Joffrey staggers from the table, dying, choking and dropping the goblet]
Olenna Tyrell: Idiots! Help your King!
Jaime Lannister: Move away!
[Joffrey collapses, convulsing and vomiting]
Jaime Lannister: Joffrey! Joffrey!
Cersei Lannister: Help him! Someone help him!
Jaime Lannister: Joffrey!
Cersei Lannister: Joffrey!
Dontos Hollard: [Dontos appears behind Sansa] Come with me now.
Cersei Lannister: Joffrey! Joffrey!
Dontos Hollard: If you want to live, we have to leave.
Cersei Lannister: Don't touch him! Joffrey! Please! My God, what is it? Help him!
[Joffrey points accusingly to Tyrion, who is examining the goblet]