[at Joffrey's wedding, Loras exchanges flirtatious gazes with Oberyn Martell. He walks backwards and bumps into Jaime]
Loras Tyrell : Ser Jaime, I'm very sorry.
Jaime Lannister : Ser Loras, it's quite all right.
[Jaime watches Margaery]
Jaime Lannister : Your sister looks very beautiful.
Loras Tyrell : As does yours.
Jaime Lannister : So... looking forward to your wedding?
[Loras pauses slightly before answering]
Loras Tyrell : Yes, very much.
Jaime Lannister : Our fathers are both rather keen on the prospect.
Loras Tyrell : They certainly are.
Jaime Lannister : Perhaps they should get married.
Jaime Lannister : If you were to marry Cersei, she'd murder you in your sleep.
[Loras' smile fades and he frowns]
Jaime Lannister : If you somehow managed to put a child in her first, she'd murder him, too, long before he drew his first breath. Luckily for you, none of this will happen because you'll never marry her.
Loras Tyrell : [nods] And neither will you.
[Loras walks away]
[Bronn meets Jaime in an isolated place for training]
Jaime Lannister : My brother tells me you can keep your mouth shut. Unusual talent for a sellsword.
Bronn : He tells me you shit gold. Just like your father.
Jaime Lannister : Is this place safe?
[Jaime throws Bronn a pouch of money. Bronn opens the pouch and examines its contents]
Bronn : There's this knight, uh, Leygood. Got thunderbolts on his shield?
Jaime Lannister : Uh-huh.
Bronn : Right here is where I fuck his wife. She's a screamer, that one. If they don't hear her, they won't hear us.
[Jaime unsheathes his sword]
Bronn : [whistles] I've never seen Valyrian steel before. She's a beauty. Problem is, if you fight with an edged blade, I'll have to. And if I fight with an edged blade, I'll have no one left to pay me.
[Bronn pulls out two blunted training swords and drops one on the ground]
Jaime Lannister : [grumpily] I haven't used a sparring sword since I was nine.
[Jaime reaches down to pick up his sword, but Bronn swats it out of his hand]
Jaime Lannister : Ahh! Bold warrior you are, attacking a man when his guard's down.
Bronn : Best time to attack a man!
[Jaime barely has time to pick up his sword, before Bronn lunges at him. They spar for a few seconds, before Bronn pushes Jaime into a wall]
Bronn : Mind yourself.
Jaime Lannister : If I still had my right hand...
Bronn : Plan on growing it back?
[they continue to spar; Bronn almost knocks Jaime over, and Jaime waves him off. Breathing heavily, Jaime repositions himself with a determined look on his face]
Jaime Lannister : Come on, then.
[they resume sparring]
[Jaime and Tyrion are eating dinner together; Jaime hasn't touched his food]
Tyrion Lannister : Your new hand is nicer than the old one. Wouldn't you agree, Pod?
Podrick Payne : Is it solid gold?
Tyrion Lannister : Gilded steel. Not eating. Why is no one eating? My wife wastes away, my brother starves himself...
Jaime Lannister : I'm not hungry.
Tyrion Lannister : You lost a hand, not a stomach. Try the boar. Cersei can't get enough since one killed Robert for her.
[Pod steps forward with a sausage on a fork, but Jaime waves it away. Tyrion picks up his cup of wine]
Tyrion Lannister : A toast. To the proud Lannister children: the dwarf, the cripple, and the mother of madness.
[Jaime reaches for his cup, but he accidentally knocks it over with his new hand]
Podrick Payne : I'll clean it up...
Jaime Lannister : No, I'll do it. Leave us.
[Pod leaves; Tyrion spills his wine onto the table]
Tyrion Lannister : It's only wine.
Jaime Lannister : [quietly] I can't fight anymore.
Tyrion Lannister : What about your left?
Jaime Lannister : I can hold a sword, but all my instincts are wrong. How can I protect the king when I can hardly wipe my own arse?
Tyrion Lannister : You're the Lord Commander now. Command. Let others do the fighting. When was the last time Father used a sword?
Jaime Lannister : I'm not Father, I'm the Kingslayer. When people find out I can't slay a pigeon...
Tyrion Lannister : Train, then. Learn to fight with your other hand.
Jaime Lannister : With whom? You? Men talk. As soon as someone discovers I can't fight, he'll tell everyone.
[Tyrion considers that for a moment]
Tyrion Lannister : You need a proper, discreet swordsman. As it happens, I have just the one.
Joffrey Baratheon : [being served wine by Tyrion] Mmm. Good. Needs washing down.
Tyrion Lannister : If it please, your Grace, Lady Sansa is very tired...
Joffrey Baratheon : No.
Joffrey Baratheon : You'll wait here... un...
Tyrion Lannister : Your Grace?
Joffrey Baratheon : It's nothing!
[He gasps for breath. Margaery sees shock on his face]
Margaery Tyrell : He's choking!
[Tywin and Cersei shift their chairs in a panic]
Olenna Tyrell : Help the poor boy!
[Joffrey staggers from the table, dying, choking and dropping the goblet]
Olenna Tyrell : Idiots! Help your King!
Jaime Lannister : Move away!
[Joffrey collapses, convulsing and vomiting]
Jaime Lannister : Joffrey! Joffrey!
Cersei Lannister : Help him! Someone help him!
Jaime Lannister : Joffrey!
Cersei Lannister : Joffrey!
Dontos Hollard : [Dontos appears behind Sansa] Come with me now.
Cersei Lannister : Joffrey! Joffrey!
Dontos Hollard : If you want to live, we have to leave.
Cersei Lannister : Don't touch him! Joffrey! Please! My God, what is it? Help him!
[Joffrey points accusingly to Tyrion, who is examining the goblet]