Muppets Most Wanted (2014)
Constantine: My name will go down as the greatest thief of all time!
Dominic Badguy: You mean our names, right?
Constantine: Of course. My name first, then spacebar, spacebar, spacebar... your name.
Kermit: You mean all this time I've been trapped in a Russian Gulag, no one, not one single person from the Muppets, except Animal, noticed I'd been replaced by an evil criminal mastermind?
Fozzie Bear: It sounds worse than it was...
Walter: No, it's as bad as it sounds.
Fozzie Bear: [holds up a photo of Constantine] Check this out!
[covers the mole]
Walter: Oh, look, it's Kermit!
[Fozzie uncovers the mole]
Walter: [shrieks] What did you do with Kermit?
Rowlf the Dog: [On the sign in German] Die Muppets?
Waldorf: It looks like the reviews are out early.
Statler: Or maybe that's the suggestion box.
Fozzie Bear: [after the closing credits] The movie's over, Ma. You can go home now.
Walter: Do you guys think that Kermit's been acting a little weird lately?
Miss Piggy: That's ridiculous! He's never been so caring and devoted to me!
Rizzo: Yeah, that's what we are saying!
Dominic Badguy: Dominic: International Tour Manager.
[presents his business card]
Fozzie Bear: "Dominic Bad Guy"?
Dominic Badguy: "Bad-gee". It's French.
Walter: There's only one guy in this world who can save us! There's only one frog who can restore order, bring justice, and set things right!
Fozzie Bear: You are talking about Kermit, right?
Dominic Badguy: [Holding Madrid newspaper] Check out our review. Five jamon serranos.
Pepe the King Prawn: Wow. Citizen Kane only got four jamon serranos.
[Constantine is watching tapes of Kermit to study him]
Jim Henson as Kermit: [from The Muppet Show] It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest, Lynne Redgrave! Yea-a-a-a-a-a-a-y!
[pauses the tape]
Jim Henson as Kermit: [from Sesame Street] Hi-ho, Kermit the Frog here...
Constantine: Hi-lo, Kyer-mit thee Frog heere.
Jim Henson as Kermit: [from The Muppet Movie] The lovers, the dreamers and me-e-e-e!
Constantine: Thee louvers, thee dreemers and chee-e-e-e-e-se!
Constantine: Nailed it.
Jean Pierre Napoleon: You know, eh, I think they did it.
Sam Eagle: No, they didn't!
Jean Pierre Napoleon: Yes, they did, and we can pin it.
Sam Eagle: If they did it, how did they do it?
Jean Pierre Napoleon: If they didn't, how did they didn't?
Sam Eagle: If they didn't, then it's easy, 'cause they simply didn't do it.
Jean Pierre Napoleon: If they didn't, then I knew it! And with nothing I can prove it!... Excuse me.
Constantine: It's time to light the lights.
Constantine: [Pretending to be Kermit] A heartwarming lesson about sharing or waiting your turn or the number three.
Sam Eagle: [holding up a C.I.A. badge] C.I.A.
Jean Pierre Napoleon: [holding up an Interpol badge] Interpol.
Sam Eagle: This is my travel badge.
[holds up a larger C.I.A. badge]
Sam Eagle: Here's my real badge.
Jean Pierre Napoleon: You must have been looking at the wrong badge.
[opens up his coat and his shirt, revealing an enormous Interpol badge underneath; Sam then unwraps a gigantic C.I.A. badge]
Sam Eagle: You were saying?
Jean Pierre Napoleon: [about to interrogate Miss Piggy] Alors, I think it's time for good cop, romantic cop!
[flips table to reveal a candlelit dinner]
Jean Pierre Napoleon: Miss Piggy, you could end up locked inside! / Now's your chance to save your hide!
Miss Piggy: Gentlemen, I did not know / it's a crime to steal the show.
Sam Eagle: Tell us how the art was taken!
Jean Pierre Napoleon: If you want to save your bacon!
Miss Piggy: I haven't seen your missing art / All I've stolen is audience's hearts.
Sam Eagle: We can give you a plea deal!
Jean Pierre Napoleon: All you have to do is squeal!
Miss Piggy: I'm not a thief, I don't know how / All I've ever taken is a bow!
Jean Pierre Napoleon: We'll catch the swine that did this job!
Miss Piggy: Give up the pig puns, creep! Go jump in a lake, that's my suggestion!
Jean Pierre Napoleon: [to Sam] I think she likes me.
[Salma Hayek and Gonzo are dressed in lurid red costumes for the Indoor Running of the Bulls]
Salma Hayek: Gonzo, I don't want to do this.
Gonzo: What? This is gonna be fantastic!
Salma Hayek: Are you sure?
Gonzo: [confidently] Nope.
Fozzie Bear: [after they discover 'Kermit''s true identity, they scream in horror] We gotta get outta here!
[But as they attempt to leave, Constantine is right in front of them]
Constantine: Not so fast...
Walter: Where's Kermit?
Fozzie Bear: Wh-wh-what do you want?
Constantine: You have wocka-ed your last wocka, bear.
[He prepares to attack them karate style. But then Animal attacks Constantine from above]
Animal: Bad frog!
Animal: Thank you.
[Fozzie discovers that Dominic has been bribing critics to give Muppets good reviews]
Fozzie Bear: Why didn't WE think of that?... I mean, that's terrible!
[Miss Piggy does the Macarena]
Statler: I don't believe it! They've managed the impossible! What an achievement! Bravo, bravo!
Waldorf: What, you mean you actually like this show now?
Statler: No, they've made the show even worse!
Kermit: The weakest point in the gulag is over there, by the fourth wall.
[Kermit, Fozzie, Walter, and Animal turn and stare at the camera for several long seconds]
Dominic Badguy: I want every seat in the house filled. Give tickets away if you have to.
Critic: Well, it's the Muppets. It won't be easy.
Miss Piggy: You may be the world's most dangerous frog, but you're still a FROG!
[beats up Constantine]
Miss Piggy: [in between punches] NO - ONE - TRICKS - ME - INTO - MARRYING - THEM - AND - THEN - HURTS - MY - KERMIE!
Constantine: [dazed] What a woman...
Kermit: Yeah, MY woman! And I believe this belongs to you!
[smacks Constantine with his mole]
Sam Eagle: Kermit, let's begin! / Describe the day you played Berlin!
Constantine: We rehearsed and then we walked about / We ate bratwurst and sauerkraut!
Jean Pierre Napoleon: That night at 10:03 / were you inside the portrait gallery?
Constantine: From 10:00 to 10:04 / was when we did the show encore!
Sam Eagle: Hmmm, frog, we've got our doubts / Can you confirm your whereabouts?
Constantine: My alibi is watertight / The audience saw me sing all night.
Jean Pierre Napoleon: Monsieur, we know you did the crime!
Constantine: I was on stage that whole time / Ask who sang "Rainbow Connection"!
Jean Pierre Napoleon: Bring in the purple guy with the schnozz!
[Gonzo enters to be interrogated]
Sam Eagle: Do you remember what you did / on the night you played Madrid?
Gonzo: I was hit by a raging bull / and rushed off stage to the hospital!
Jean Pierre Napoleon: Gonzo, what do you know / about the sculpture thefts at Madrid's Prado?
Gonzo: I never saw the stolen busts / I spent the night in bed concussed.
Sam Eagle: The truth is, Gonzo, the clock is ticking.
Gonzo: If you don't believe me, ask the chicken! Camilla was there, she'll cooperate!
Jean Pierre Napoleon: Madame, are you willing to corroborate?
Camilla: Bawk bawk begawk, begawk gawk gawk!
Sam Eagle: Will someone get this chicken out of here?
Gonzo: Calm down, Camilla, it's a routine inspection!
Scooter: TWO Kermits?... Well, that explains a lot.
Rowlf the Dog: I knew no one could have a cold for that long.
Pepe the King Prawn: Or have that cheesy an accent, okay.
[as Jean-Pierre Napoleon bids goodbye, he starts blubbering]
Sam Eagle: Pull yourself together, man! Stop crying! We're only saying our final... farewell.
Sam Eagle: Goodbye... forever!
Sam Eagle: [crying] I am going to miss you, my French friend!
[Kermit tries to sneak out through a secret tunnel in his cell]
Nadya: [in the tunnel] It's the first escape everyone tries!
[Kermit disguises himself as a laundry worker]
Nadya: [in Kermit's laundry] It's the second escape people try!
[Kermit travels through the lavatory sewers]
Nadya: [on a toilet seat] Third way!
[singing, after interrogating the Muppets about the robberies]
Jean Pierre Napoleon: They didn't!
Sam Eagle: No they didn't!
Jean Pierre Napoleon: There's no way they did a crime!
Sam Eagle: They couldn't, they're too stupid!
Jean Pierre Napoleon: They're not criminal masterminds!
Sam Eagle: They may not know who did it, but we know they didn't do it!
Jean Pierre Napoleon: They're incapable of being culpable!
Kermit: Piggy, I'm sorry I ruined your wedding...
Miss Piggy: Oh, Kermie... I'm so glad you did.
Fozzie Bear: I can do an Elvis impression!
Swedish Chef: Shern de shern de herf! Sher de chicky en de farney hug!
Jean Pierre Napoleon: To help with our investigation, can you do a full translation?
Translator: What the Chef said to you was "Schnoop do schnnop do schnook". It's not Swedish.
[Constantine tries to escape in a helicopter]
Constantine: Something's wrong! We're not moving!
[the Muppets have made a ladder out of themselves to stop the copter]
Constantine: You are ruining my getaway!
[Fozzie climbs on top of Floyd Pepper]
Floyd Pepper: Hey, watch the hair, bear!
[Constantine sees Dominic in an animal suit]
Constantine: Number Two, you look ridiculous! Why are you wearing that?
Dominic Badguy: Because I am the Lemur, and the world's new No 1 Criminal! That's right, this is where I double-cross you!
Constantine: First rule of double-cross: you don't announce the double-cross before you double-cross. It's not even a rule, because it's so obvious!
[blows up Dominic]
The Newsman: Muppet News Flash! Constantine, the world's most dangerous frog, has escaped from a maximum-security Gulag in Siberia, Russia. This move has leapfrogged Constantine to the number-one most wanted criminal in the world, one place ahead of the mysterious Lemur.
Film Crew: And cut!
Walter: Wow, that was so amazing!
Kermit: Walter, you did a wonderful job.
Walter: Thank you, Kermit. Did we get that?
Miss Piggy: We got it.
Kermit: We got it, yup.
Film Crew: [speaks into bullhorn] Movie's over, people, go home. That is a wrap.
Scooter: Okay, nice work, everyone. Make sure to fill out your I-9's, and we'll see you on the next one.
Scooter: [crew leaves the set] So uh, what do we do now?
Fozzie Bear: Well, we're together again. We got the theater and all our fans are back.
Rowlf the Dog: Actually, those were extras.
Fozzie Bear: I saw a few tapping their toes.
Scooter: Yeah, those were paid dancers.
Fozzie Bear: Oh.
Miss Piggy: Or, maybe since we're all here, now could be the perfect time for you and me to tie the knot, Kermie.
Kermit: [stammering] Well... I mean, maybe I could-...
Walter: Hey, what's the camera still doing here?
Statler: Oh no, disaster! That can only mean one thing!
Waldorf: Doggone it, you're right.
Waldorf: It looks like they've ordered a sequel.
[Gonzo's Running With the Bulls stunt is a disaster]
Gonzo: Who could have thought that this would go wrong?
Salma Hayek: I did.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: I don't mean to be a stickler, But this is the seventh sequel to our original motion picture
Beaker: [Beaker is teleported into a monitor with a test pattern screen, running frantically] Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Kermit: All we need now is a half-decent plot...
Gonzo: Got it: an epic love story between a very handsome, long-nosed, purple thing and a beautiful chicken.
Gonzo: [the scenery falls over] I call it: "Gonzo With the Wind".
Camilla: [Camilla clucks]
Kermit: Does anybody have any other ideas?
Fozzie Bear: Oh, oh! It's about getting the Muppets back together again to stop an evil oil baron from demolishing the old studio!
Kermit: Fozzie, did you even watch our last film?
Miss Piggy: It's about a frog who marries a beautiful, perfect pig, and they have to kiss each other a lot!
Swedish Chef: [subtitled Swedish-sounding gibberish] How about a film on the existential conundrum of religious faith?
Kermit: I don't think Americans watch subtitled films.
Dominic Badguy: [Ricky Gervais appearing as himself] Kermit, how about the Muppets go on a world tour?
Kermit: [Kermit gasps in surprise] That's perfect!