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Muppets Most Wanted (2014) Poster

Quotes

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Constantine: My name will go down as the greatest thief of all time!

Dominic Badguy: You mean our names, right?

Constantine: Of course. My name first, then spacebar, spacebar, spacebar... your name.

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Kermit: You mean all this time I've been trapped in a Russian Gulag, no one, not one single person from the Muppets, except Animal, noticed I'd been replaced by an evil criminal mastermind?

Fozzie Bear: It sounds worse than it was...

Walter: No, it's as bad as it sounds.

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Fozzie Bear: [holds up a photo of Constantine] Check this out!

[covers the mole]

Walter: Oh, look, it's Kermit!

[Fozzie uncovers the mole]

Walter: [shrieks] What did you do with Kermit?

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Rowlf the Dog: [On the sign in German] Die Muppets?

Waldorf: It looks like the reviews are out early.

Statler: Or maybe that's the suggestion box.

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[last lines]

Fozzie Bear: [after the closing credits] The movie's over, Ma. You can go home now.

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Walter: Do you guys think that Kermit's been acting a little weird lately?

Miss Piggy: That's ridiculous! He's never been so caring and devoted to me!

Rizzo: Yeah, that's what we are saying!

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Dominic Badguy: Dominic: International Tour Manager.

[presents his business card]

Fozzie Bear: "Dominic Bad Guy"?

Dominic Badguy: "Bad-gee". It's French.

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Walter: There's only one guy in this world who can save us! There's only one frog who can restore order, bring justice, and set things right!

Fozzie Bear: You are talking about Kermit, right?

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Dominic Badguy: [Holding Madrid newspaper] Check out our review. Five jamon serranos.

Pepe the King Prawn: Wow. Citizen Kane only got four jamon serranos.

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Nadya: Good night, Danny Trejo.

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[Constantine is watching tapes of Kermit to study him]

Jim Henson as Kermit: [from The Muppet Show] It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest, Lynne Redgrave! Yea-a-a-a-a-a-a-y!

[pauses the tape]

Constantine: Yea-a-a-a-a-a-a-esss!

Jim Henson as Kermit: [from Sesame Street] Hi-ho, Kermit the Frog here...

[pauses]

Constantine: Hi-lo, Kyer-mit thee Frog heere.

Jim Henson as Kermit: [from The Muppet Movie] The lovers, the dreamers and me-e-e-e!

[pauses]

Constantine: Thee louvers, thee dreemers and chee-e-e-e-e-se!

[smirks]

Constantine: Nailed it.

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Jean Pierre Napoleon: You know, eh, I think they did it.

Sam Eagle: No, they didn't!

Jean Pierre Napoleon: Yes, they did, and we can pin it.

Sam Eagle: If they did it, how did they do it?

Jean Pierre Napoleon: If they didn't, how did they didn't?

Sam Eagle: If they didn't, then it's easy, 'cause they simply didn't do it.

Jean Pierre Napoleon: If they didn't, then I knew it! And with nothing I can prove it!... Excuse me.

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Constantine: It's time to light the lights.

[Detonates explosives]

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Constantine: [Pretending to be Kermit] A heartwarming lesson about sharing or waiting your turn or the number three.

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Sam Eagle: [holding up a C.I.A. badge] C.I.A.

Jean Pierre Napoleon: [holding up an Interpol badge] Interpol.

Sam Eagle: This is my travel badge.

[holds up a larger C.I.A. badge]

Sam Eagle: Here's my real badge.

Jean Pierre Napoleon: You must have been looking at the wrong badge.

[opens up his coat and his shirt, revealing an enormous Interpol badge underneath; Sam then unwraps a gigantic C.I.A. badge]

Sam Eagle: You were saying?

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Jean Pierre Napoleon: [about to interrogate Miss Piggy] Alors, I think it's time for good cop, romantic cop!

[flips table to reveal a candlelit dinner]

Jean Pierre Napoleon: Miss Piggy, you could end up locked inside! / Now's your chance to save your hide!

Miss Piggy: Gentlemen, I did not know / it's a crime to steal the show.

Sam Eagle: Tell us how the art was taken!

Jean Pierre Napoleon: If you want to save your bacon!

Miss Piggy: I haven't seen your missing art / All I've stolen is audience's hearts.

Sam Eagle: We can give you a plea deal!

Jean Pierre Napoleon: All you have to do is squeal!

Miss Piggy: I'm not a thief, I don't know how / All I've ever taken is a bow!

Jean Pierre Napoleon: We'll catch the swine that did this job!

Miss Piggy: Give up the pig puns, creep! Go jump in a lake, that's my suggestion!

Jean Pierre NapoleonSam Eagle: Thank you, Piggy, no more questions!

Jean Pierre Napoleon: [to Sam] I think she likes me.

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[Salma Hayek and Gonzo are dressed in lurid red costumes for the Indoor Running of the Bulls]

Salma Hayek: Gonzo, I don't want to do this.

Gonzo: What? This is gonna be fantastic!

Salma Hayek: Are you sure?

Gonzo: [confidently] Nope.

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Miss Piggy: Ich bin ein berliner.

Floyd Pepper: More like "Ein frankfurter".

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Fozzie Bear: [after they discover 'Kermit''s true identity, they scream in horror] We gotta get outta here!

Walter: Yeah!

[But as they attempt to leave, Constantine is right in front of them]

Constantine: Not so fast...

Walter: Where's Kermit?

Fozzie Bear: Wh-wh-what do you want?

Constantine: You have wocka-ed your last wocka, bear.

[He prepares to attack them karate style. But then Animal attacks Constantine from above]

Animal: Bad frog!

Fozzie BearWalter: Animal! Good shot!

Animal: Thank you.

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[Fozzie discovers that Dominic has been bribing critics to give Muppets good reviews]

Fozzie Bear: Why didn't WE think of that?... I mean, that's terrible!

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[Miss Piggy does the Macarena]

Statler: I don't believe it! They've managed the impossible! What an achievement! Bravo, bravo!

Waldorf: What, you mean you actually like this show now?

Statler: No, they've made the show even worse!

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Kermit: Bear left!

Fozzie Bear: Right, frog!

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Kermit: The weakest point in the gulag is over there, by the fourth wall.

[Kermit, Fozzie, Walter, and Animal turn and stare at the camera for several long seconds]

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Dominic Badguy: I want every seat in the house filled. Give tickets away if you have to.

Critic: Well, it's the Muppets. It won't be easy.

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Miss Piggy: You may be the world's most dangerous frog, but you're still a FROG!

[beats up Constantine]

Miss Piggy: [in between punches] NO - ONE - TRICKS - ME - INTO - MARRYING - THEM - AND - THEN - HURTS - MY - KERMIE!

Constantine: [dazed] What a woman...

Kermit: Yeah, MY woman! And I believe this belongs to you!

[smacks Constantine with his mole]

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Sam Eagle: Kermit, let's begin! / Describe the day you played Berlin!

Constantine: We rehearsed and then we walked about / We ate bratwurst and sauerkraut!

Jean Pierre Napoleon: That night at 10:03 / were you inside the portrait gallery?

Constantine: From 10:00 to 10:04 / was when we did the show encore!

Sam Eagle: Hmmm, frog, we've got our doubts / Can you confirm your whereabouts?

Constantine: My alibi is watertight / The audience saw me sing all night.

Jean Pierre Napoleon: Monsieur, we know you did the crime!

Constantine: I was on stage that whole time / Ask who sang "Rainbow Connection"!

Sam EagleJean Pierre Napoleon: Thank you, Kermit! No more questions!

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Jean Pierre Napoleon: Bring in the purple guy with the schnozz!

[Gonzo enters to be interrogated]

Sam Eagle: Do you remember what you did / on the night you played Madrid?

Gonzo: I was hit by a raging bull / and rushed off stage to the hospital!

Jean Pierre Napoleon: Gonzo, what do you know / about the sculpture thefts at Madrid's Prado?

Gonzo: I never saw the stolen busts / I spent the night in bed concussed.

Sam Eagle: The truth is, Gonzo, the clock is ticking.

Gonzo: If you don't believe me, ask the chicken! Camilla was there, she'll cooperate!

Jean Pierre Napoleon: Madame, are you willing to corroborate?

Camilla: Bawk bawk begawk, begawk gawk gawk!

Sam Eagle: Will someone get this chicken out of here?

Gonzo: Calm down, Camilla, it's a routine inspection!

Jean Pierre NapoleonSam Eagle: Thank you, Gonzo! No more questions!

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Scooter: TWO Kermits?... Well, that explains a lot.

Rowlf the Dog: I knew no one could have a cold for that long.

Pepe the King Prawn: Or have that cheesy an accent, okay.

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[as Jean-Pierre Napoleon bids goodbye, he starts blubbering]

Sam Eagle: Pull yourself together, man! Stop crying! We're only saying our final... farewell.

[tearfully]

Sam Eagle: Goodbye... forever!

[embraces Jean-Pierre]

Sam Eagle: [crying] I am going to miss you, my French friend!

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[Kermit tries to sneak out through a secret tunnel in his cell]

Nadya: [in the tunnel] It's the first escape everyone tries!

[Kermit disguises himself as a laundry worker]

Nadya: [in Kermit's laundry] It's the second escape people try!

[Kermit travels through the lavatory sewers]

Nadya: [on a toilet seat] Third way!

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[singing, after interrogating the Muppets about the robberies]

Jean Pierre Napoleon: They didn't!

Sam Eagle: No they didn't!

Jean Pierre Napoleon: There's no way they did a crime!

Sam Eagle: They couldn't, they're too stupid!

Jean Pierre Napoleon: They're not criminal masterminds!

Sam Eagle: They may not know who did it, but we know they didn't do it!

Jean Pierre NapoleonSam Eagle: So we know who didn't do it, we know who didn't do it!

Jean Pierre Napoleon: They're incapable of being culpable!

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Kermit: Piggy, I'm sorry I ruined your wedding...

Miss Piggy: Oh, Kermie... I'm so glad you did.

[they kiss]

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Fozzie Bear: I can do an Elvis impression!

Sam EagleJean Pierre Napoleon: ...Thank you, Muppets! No more questions!

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Swedish Chef: Shern de shern de herf! Sher de chicky en de farney hug!

Jean Pierre Napoleon: To help with our investigation, can you do a full translation?

Translator: What the Chef said to you was "Schnoop do schnnop do schnook". It's not Swedish.

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[Constantine tries to escape in a helicopter]

Constantine: Something's wrong! We're not moving!

[the Muppets have made a ladder out of themselves to stop the copter]

Constantine: You are ruining my getaway!

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[Fozzie climbs on top of Floyd Pepper]

Floyd Pepper: Hey, watch the hair, bear!

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Constantine: It's not easy being mean.

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[Constantine sees Dominic in an animal suit]

Constantine: Number Two, you look ridiculous! Why are you wearing that?

Dominic Badguy: Because I am the Lemur, and the world's new No 1 Criminal! That's right, this is where I double-cross you!

Constantine: First rule of double-cross: you don't announce the double-cross before you double-cross. It's not even a rule, because it's so obvious!

[blows up Dominic]

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The Newsman: Muppet News Flash! Constantine, the world's most dangerous frog, has escaped from a maximum-security Gulag in Siberia, Russia. This move has leapfrogged Constantine to the number-one most wanted criminal in the world, one place ahead of the mysterious Lemur.

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[first lines]

Film Crew: And cut!

Walter: Wow, that was so amazing!

Kermit: Walter, you did a wonderful job.

Walter: Thank you, Kermit. Did we get that?

Miss Piggy: We got it.

Kermit: We got it, yup.

Film Crew: [speaks into bullhorn] Movie's over, people, go home. That is a wrap.

Scooter: Okay, nice work, everyone. Make sure to fill out your I-9's, and we'll see you on the next one.

Scooter: [crew leaves the set] So uh, what do we do now?

Fozzie Bear: Well, we're together again. We got the theater and all our fans are back.

Rowlf the Dog: Actually, those were extras.

Fozzie Bear: I saw a few tapping their toes.

Scooter: Yeah, those were paid dancers.

Fozzie Bear: Oh.

Miss Piggy: Or, maybe since we're all here, now could be the perfect time for you and me to tie the knot, Kermie.

Kermit: [stammering] Well... I mean, maybe I could-...

Walter: Hey, what's the camera still doing here?

Statler: Oh no, disaster! That can only mean one thing!

Waldorf: Doggone it, you're right.

Statler: Mm-hmm.

Waldorf: It looks like they've ordered a sequel.

StatlerWaldorf: Doh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

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[Gonzo's Running With the Bulls stunt is a disaster]

Gonzo: Who could have thought that this would go wrong?

Salma Hayek: I did.

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KermitFozzie BearMiss PiggyGonzoRowlf the DogScooter: [singing 'We're Doing A Sequel'] We're doing a sequel...

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: I don't mean to be a stickler, But this is the seventh sequel to our original motion picture

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KermitGonzoFozzie BearMiss PiggyRowlf the DogScooter: [singing 'We're Doing A Sequel'] We're doing a sequel

Beaker: [Beaker is teleported into a monitor with a test pattern screen, running frantically] Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

KermitGonzoFozzie BearMiss PiggyRowlf the DogScooter: Let's give it a shot,

Kermit: All we need now is a half-decent plot...

Gonzo: Got it: an epic love story between a very handsome, long-nosed, purple thing and a beautiful chicken.

Gonzo: [the scenery falls over] I call it: "Gonzo With the Wind".

Camilla: [Camilla clucks]

Kermit: Does anybody have any other ideas?

Fozzie Bear: Oh, oh! It's about getting the Muppets back together again to stop an evil oil baron from demolishing the old studio!

Kermit: Fozzie, did you even watch our last film?

Miss Piggy: It's about a frog who marries a beautiful, perfect pig, and they have to kiss each other a lot!

Kermit: Uh...

Swedish Chef: [subtitled Swedish-sounding gibberish] How about a film on the existential conundrum of religious faith?

Kermit: I don't think Americans watch subtitled films.

Dominic Badguy: [Ricky Gervais appearing as himself] Kermit, how about the Muppets go on a world tour?

Kermit: [Kermit gasps in surprise] That's perfect!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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