John Dies at the End (2012)
Chase Williamson: Dave
Dave : What do you think it's like, Father?
Father Shellnut : What's what like?
Dave : Being crazy, mentally ill.
Father Shellnut : Well, they never know they're ill, do they? I mean, you can't diagnose yourself with the same organ that has the disease, just like you can't see your own eyeball. I suppose you just feel regular, and the rest of the world seems to go crazy around you.
Dave : Solving the following riddle will reveal the awful secret behind the universe, assuming you do not go utterly mad in the attempt.
Dave : Say you have an ax - just a cheap one from Home Depot.
[slow zoom in on man chopping]
Dave : On one bitter winter day, you use said ax to behead a man. Don't worry, the man's already dead. Maybe you should worry, 'cause you're the one who shot him. He'd been a big twitchy guy with veined skin stretched over swollen biceps, tattoo of a swastika on his tongue. And you're chopping off his head because even with eight bullets in him, you're pretty sure he's about to spring back to his feet and eat the look of terror right off your face.
Roger North : Have you ever noticed, when you hear a word for the very first time in your life, you will hear that word again within twenty-four hours? Do you ever wonder why you sometimes see a single shoe lying alongside the road?
[Dave clicks in the car's cigarette lighter]
Roger North : [now with a tear having escaped from his right eye] I've been watching you for some time, but there are great gaps in my knowledge. Do you know I once observed a man who masturbated until he bled? Did he want to do that? And you, when you're alone...
[Dave grabs the car's lighter, slams on the brakes, and burns the creature under his shirt with the lighter. He pulls it out and looks at it as its twin eyes on stalks as the two concentric mouths of teeth flare outward and its slit of a mouth inside roars. He throws it out the window, punches Roger, gets the gun and holds it under Roger's chin]
Dave : Okay. Okay. This thing I got pointed at you, do you know what it does?
Roger North : [nervous] I... believe I have an idea, yes.
Dave : And are you familiar with the old human saying, "I want to shoot you so bad my dick's hard"?
Roger North : [confused] I don't... believe I... do.
Dave : Well, maybe you'll hear it again in the next twenty-four hours if you don't try to fuck with me.
Dave : [into to phone] Who is this?
John : [on the phone] It's John. Can you hear me?
Dave : [whispering] I can hear you and I can see you. You're sitting right here next to me.
John : Well then, just talk to me in person then. Oh wait, do I look injured in any way?
Dave : What?
John : Shh. I'm sorry, I gotta go. Say hello to me...
John : [across the table] Was that me?
Dave : Uh, Shelly. John and I are having a bit of a problem here. We're both seeing completely different versions of you. Now, John here has eyesight problems 'cause of his constant masturbation, but I- I don't think...
Dave : My name is David Wong. I once saw a man's kidney grow tentacles, tear itself out of a ragged hole in his back, and go slapping across my kitchen floor. But that's another story.
Dave : You're gonna die, Arnie. Someday you will face that moment. And at that moment you will face either complete nonexistence, or you will face something even stranger. On an actual day in the future, Arnie, you will be in the unimaginable. It is physically impossible to avoid it.
Dave : [answers second call from John] Hello?
John : Hey, this is John. Your pimp says, bring the crack shipment tonight or he'll be forced to stick you. Meet him where we buried the Korean whore, the one *without* the goatee.
Dave : [v.o] That was John's code. It meant, "Bring your gear and come to my place as soon as you can. It's important."
Dave : John, it's three in the morning, man.
John : Oh, and don't forget: tomorrow's the day we kill the president.
Dave : John.
[the phone beeps as John ends the call]
Dave : [v.o] That last part was code for, "Stop and pick me up some beer on the way."
[turns off phone]
John : [while being taken to the Mall of the Dead, John suddenly wakes up] Man! Where are we?
Dave : We're in some liquor truck and we're on our way to the abandoned mall on Highway 59.
John : Did you say we going to the mall, or coming back from it?
Dave : Going!
John : Yeah, that's right, because F-f-fred's still alive.
Fred Chu : What?
John : Nothing, nothing. I... got a headache.
Dave : And then, calm. Almost Zen. That's what came next, that Soy Sauce feeling. I wanted to run, to duck, to act. But the body is a slow wet mechanism of muscle and bone that crept, even as my mind flew. And so just like that, I stepped outside of it.
Dave : I was adopted. I never knew my real dad. You could be my dad for all I know. Are you my dad?
Dave : [narrating to Arnie] I'll try to explain this without cursing, but the black shit from Planet X that came out from that motherfucker looked like it had grown hair! Did I mention that the stuff was moving? Twitching?
Dave : Last night you had a dream, Arnie. You dreamt you were being chased through the forest by your mother. She was lashing you with a whip made of knotted penises.
Dave : [v.o] That's right, Arnie: everything you know is wrong.
Dave : [to John on the phone] Where are you, heaven?
Dave : [gets up] So, I... suppose you're wondering why I'm here.
Detective Lawrence 'Morgan Freeman' Appleton : Same as everybody. You're trying to figure out what in the name of Elvis is going on. Everybody except me. Me, I don't even wanna know anymore.
[Dave notices something. The Detective follows his gaze, and looks back]
Detective Lawrence 'Morgan Freeman' Appleton : I supposed you're wondering what I'm doing with this can of gasoline.