Moe Szyslak: Hey, clown! We've heard your stand-up, now how about some shut-up?
Krusty the Clown: Everyone's a comedian!
Moe Szyslak: Everyone except you!
Simon Cowell: So, how do you like L.A.?
Moe Szyslak: It's a helluva city. It's like someone stepped on New York and scraped it on the beach.
Simon Cowell: Clever. Slightly nasty. Very impressive.
[Bart is dressing up Santa's Little Helper for the ugliest dog contest]
Homer Simpson: Not ugly enough. I want him to look like this...
[Holds up Weekly World News with Bat Boy on the cover]
Bart Simpson: Ay caramba!
Homer Simpson: ...had a baby with this...
[shows picture of Mr. Burns]
Homer Simpson: ... and got sat on by this.
[Shows picture of Patty]
Bart Simpson: How about this?
[Draws picture and shows it to Homer]
Homer Simpson: Oh... my... God! Bart, you never fail to disgust me.
Bart Simpson: Just call me Barf Simpson.
Homer Simpson: I wanted to, but your mother thought kids would laugh at you.
Moe Szyslak: They love me for my bile, and I've got a spleen full.
Ryan Seacrest: Ellen, what's your ramble on this?
Ellen DeGeneres: Ryan, I don't ramble anymore. Although I do like that song Ramblin' Man by the Allman Brothers. At first I thought they were the Almond Brothers, which is great, since I like nuts, except for filberts, which is odd because I love Dilbert, because when you spend all day in a cubicle, you just gotta dance!