Hobo with a Shotgun (2011)
Drake: When life gives you razor blades, you make a baseball bat... covered in razor blades.
Hobo: [to a group of newborn babies] A long time ago I was one of you. You're all brand new and perfect. No mistakes, no regrets. People look at you and think of how wonderful your future will be. They want you to be something special... like a... a doctor or a lawyer. I hate to tell you this, but if you grow up here, you're more likely to wind up selling your bodies on the streets, or shooting dope from dirty needles in a bus stop. And if you're successful, you'll make money selling junk to crackheads. And you won't think twice about killing someone's wife, because you won't even know what was wrong in the first place. Or, maybe... you'll end up like me - a hobo with a shotgun! I hope you can do better. You are the future.
Hobo: You and me are goin' on a car-ride to Hell.
Drake: You're gonna miss me.
Hobo: You're riding shotgun!
Slick: I'm gonna wash this blood off... with your blood.
Hobo: I'm gonna sleep in your bloody carcasses tonight!
Abby: [to a pitchfork-angry mob] Some people got a bed to sleep on, where they can crawl under the covers and have a good night's rest, but other people, they don't got beds at all. Instead, they gotta find an alleyway or a park bench where some fucker's not gonna stab them. Just because they don't got beds doesn't mean they're homeless, 'cause - guess what? - they've got the biggest home of any of us. It's called "the streets," and right now we're all standing in their home, so maybe we should show them some goddamn respect! If this is their home, they got a right to keep it clean, don't they? Sometimes on the streets, a broom just ain't gonna fucking cut it! That's when you gotta get a shotgun!
Hobo: Put the knife away, kid, or I'll use it to cut welfare checks from your rotten skin.
Slick: Well, you better cut one to Mother Theresa so you can give it to her while she's finger-banging you in Hell!
Ivan: Go the fuck home, everybody! And don't forget to wash your dicks!
Slick: Please! Please! Don't shoot my dick off, okay? I'm young. I got too much fuckin' left to do. Please!
Hobo: I thought this was a police station, not the fuckin' circus.
Hobo: Jerk off to THIS, you child molesting shitlicker!
[he shoots Santa Claus]
Hobo: I think I'm okay now. I just tell my brain when I know I'm hurting... I just say, "I got nothing for you buddy... nothing to make it go away, so just go to hell," and he goes. He's like a brother to me now, and brothers fight sometimes.
Abby: Well, I think it's time to put you and your brother to bed.
Hobo: Well, Abby, can I tell you something about bears?
Hobo: The bear is a solitary animal. They like their space. They live in a magic circle. They don't mind if you're like a mile away, but if you get inside their circle, they will maul you. If a bear's claw would ever strike your face, it would take your whole face right off your skull - your eyes, your nose, your lips, everything - and you would die from it.
Abby: Wow. Didn't know bears could be so vicious.
Large Man: You're so hot, you make me want to cut my dick off and rub it all over your titties.
Hobo: There's something else about bears not many people know. If a bear gets hooked on the taste of human blood, it becomes a man-killer. He'll go on a rampage and has to be destroyed. And that's why you should never hug a bear.
Ivan: In fact, they're gonna make comic books out of my hate-crimes!
Hobo: Lock him up with the sodomites and get me the god-damned chief of police, now.
Hobo: Get your hands off me, demons! You're crushing my smokes!
Chief of Police: Grab your guns, boys! Grab your fucking guns! We got homeless to kill, so let's go make some dead bodies!
Large Man: She's so hot, I'd eat the peanuts out of her shit.
Slick: Do you fuckin' see me? Do you fuckin' hear me? Do you fuckin' FEEL me?
Drake: He wants mercy from The Drake - FROM THE DRAKE! - and he should know better than anybody: Mercy ain't my style!
Hobo: Well, I think you're gonna need a lot of dump trucks.
Chief of Police: Dump trucks? I-I don't follow you.
Hobo: You get out there, get all the criminals, put 'em in dump trucks, take 'em to a landfill site and bury them.
Drake: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Drake Show! Tonight's special episode is going to be filled with trills and chills, and - my own personal favorite - lots and lots of that red shit that flows inside all our bodies!