Howard Wolowitz: Howard: Gentlemen, I am now about to send a signal from this laptop through our local ISP, racing down fibre-optic cable at the speed of light to San Francisco, bouncing off a satellite in geosynchronous orbit to Lisbon, Portugal, where the data packets will be handed off to submerged transatlantic cables terminating in Halifax, Nova-Scotia, and transferred across the continent via microwave relays back to our ISP and the X10 receiver attached to this
[clicks mouse, lamp switches on]
Howard Wolowitz: lamp.
[the others cheer and clap]
Leonard Hofstadter: We have to do this.
Sheldon Cooper: No, we have to take in nourishment, expel waste and breathe in enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying. Everything else is purely optional.
Penny: So you and Leonard, huh? A little misunderstanding?
Sheldon: A little misunderstanding? A little misunderstanding? Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding...
[after Leonard and Sheldon's brawl]
Howard Wolowitz: You won't believe it.
Raj Koothrappali: Someone got the whole thing on their cell phone and put it on YouTube.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, who would do that?
Howard Wolowitz: That would be me.
Leonard Hofstadter: What is this letter doing in the trash?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, it may be that a trashcan spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam's Razor suggests that someone threw it away.
Leonard Hofstadter: You can not blow up my head with your mind.
Sheldon Cooper: Then I'll settle for an aneurysm.
Penny: [picking out clothes from Leonard's closet] Okay. Well, let's just see what else you have. Okay, here, take this, and this, and this, and these...
Leonard Hofstadter: Is this all stuff you want me to try on?
Penny: No, this is the stuff I want you to throw out. Seriously, don't even give it to charity; you won't be helping anyone.
Penny: What is this?
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, that is the bottled city of Kandor.
Leonard Hofstadter: You see, Kandor was the capital city of Krypton, until it was shrunk by Braniac before Krypton was destroyed. It was then rescued by Superman.
Penny: Oh. It's nice.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's a lot cooler when girls aren't looking at it.
Sheldon Cooper: Was the apple falling on Newton's head, was that just an anecdote?
Leonard Hofstadter: You are not Isaac Newton.
Sheldon Cooper: No, no, that's true. Gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple.
Leonard Hofstadter: You cannot possibly be that arrogant.
Sheldon Cooper: You continue to underestimate me, my good man.
Sheldon Cooper: You know, in the future, when we're disembodied brains in jars, we're going to look back on this as eight hours well wasted.
Raj Koothrappali: I don't want to be in a jar. I want my brain in an android body... eight feet tall and ripped.
Howard Wolowitz: I'm with you. I just have to make sure if I'm a synthetic human, I'd still be Jewish. I promised my mother.
Raj Koothrappali: I suppose you could have your android penis circumcised... but that's something your rabbi will have to discuss with the manufacturer.
Sheldon Cooper: Not to mention, you'd have to power down on Saturdays.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hang on. Hang on. Do you not realize what we just did?
Penny: Yeah, you turned your stereo down with your laptop.
Leonard Hofstadter: Ah, no, we turned out stereo down by sending a signal around the world via the internet.
Penny: Ohhhh. You know, you can just get one of those universal remotes from Radio Shack. They're really cheap.
Penny: [as Sheldon and Leonard fight] Is this usually how these physics things go?
Howard Wolowitz: More often than you'd think.
Howard Wolowitz: I just checked the house, there must be twenty, twenty-five people in there.
Leonard Hofstadter: Wow.
Penny: Is that good?
Leonard Hofstadter: In physics, twenty-five is Woodstock.
Penny: Howard, would you like to explain to me why your Facebook page has a picture of me sleeping on your shoulder captioned "me and my girlfriend"?
Howard Wolowitz: Uh-oh, here comes "the talk".
Penny: [At their mailboxes] . Get anything good?
Sheldon Cooper: Uh, just the latest copy of Applied Particle Physics Quarterly.
Penny: Oh, you know, that is so weird that yours came and mine didn't.
[Sheldon looks confused]
Penny: It was a joke.
Leonard Hofstadter: You know what? I am tired of your condescension. Maybe I didn't go to college when I was eleven, like you. Maybe I got my doctorate when I was twenty-four instead of sixteen. But you are not the only person who is smarter than everybody else in this room!
[Sheldon nods pointedly at the audience]
Leonard Hofstadter: No offense. And I am clearly not the only person who is tormented by insecurity and has an ego in need of constant validation.
Sheldon Cooper: So you admit you're an egotist?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes!
[turning to the audience]
Leonard Hofstadter: My name is Dr. Leonard Hofstadter and I could never please my parents, so I need to get all of my self-esteem from strangers like you. But *he's worse*!
Sheldon Cooper: I'm the lead author.
Leonard Hofstadter: Come on, the only reason you're the lead author is because we went alphabetically.
Sheldon Cooper: I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation with dealing with the fact that it was my idea. Now to put too fine a point to it, but I was throwing you a bone. You're welcome.
Leonard Hofstadter: Excuse me, I designed the experiment that proved the hypothesis.
Sheldon Cooper: That doesn't mean proving.
Leonard Hofstadter: So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word?
Sheldon Cooper: They're not supposed to, but they should.