Barry: You want me to make two hundred grand just, *poof*, appear in your numbered account? Michael, I'm good, but I can't just will that kind of money into existence.
Michael Westen: No one's saying it has to exist. Come on, you've never written a bad check? You were called "Bad Check Barry."
Michael Westen: [under cover as a rich playboy] Friend, you're ruinin' my ratio. I have a good ratio goin' on, I got four ladies to one Davis. Four to one - I like that.
Michael Westen: Mom, I gotta get to work, actually. Uh, what is it you need?
Madeline Westen: Well, I can't find my salad spinner.
Michael Westen: That is tragic.
Waseem: [reading a note Michael wrote in Urdu] "I will be wearing a white shirt and..." This word right here? It is a kind of... spicy goat cheese.
Michael Westen: I was trying to say "black pants". My Urdu's a little rusty.
Waseem: At least you got the name of the restaurant right.
Michael Westen: [voice over] The key to hand-to-hand combat is to be able to close the distance between you and your opponent without putting them on their guard.
Michael Westen: [voice over] Consulates are a great place to renew your visa, pay your taxes back home or find foreign spies working under diplomatic cover. Like all bureaucrats, consulate employees live in fear of a pissed off journalist.
Michael Westen: [voice over] To win a negotiation you have to show you're willing to walk away. And the best way to show you're willing to walk away is to walk away.
Michael Westen: [voice over] A hairpin is one of the most versatile tools in a thief's arsenal. It's as good as a key most of the time; but not when the lock is a magnetic card reader.
Michael Westen: [voice over] In any covert operation, your first concern is remaining undetected. Whether you're infiltrating a military base or getting car parts from your mom's garage without her knowing, staying invisible is tough. And no matter how good you are... sometimes they're better.
Michael Westen: [voice over] Exploiting an asset is easier when they have a vice: an addiction you can feed. Drugs, money, respect, women.
Michael Westen: [voice over] There are two schools of safe cracking. Some people like to beat the lock, some people like to break the lock. But it doesn't matter when the safe is sitting wide open.
Madeline Westen: [referring to Fi] Your girlfriend's getting creamed.
Michael Westen: She's not my girlfriend.
Madeline Westen: Okay honey, whatever you say.
Michael Westen: Yeah, the thing is...
Madeline Westen: What?
Michael Westen: Yeah, we're not - well, we're still working together but the other part, that's uh, well, we've closed the door on that.
Madeline Westen: Why do you always do this?
Michael Westen: I didn't do it this time. She did.
Madeline Westen: Right.
Michael Westen: A Pakistani spy in an Indian restaurant? My friend, you have gone native.
Sam Axe: Mike, look, you know I'm up for just about anything, but this, this is like cursing in church. I mean, technically, this is foreign soil.
Michael Westen: No, technically, it's just trepassing. The one perk of being burned, my crimes are just crimes, not acts of war.
Sam Axe: But does it have to be the Pakistani consulate? Couldn't it be, I don't know, Jamaica? Those guys are probably very easygoing.
[walking in on his mother's poker game]
Michael Westen: Fi, how's it going?
Fiona Glenanne: Down to the felt. Fullboat Phylis here didn't tell me she used to deal holdem in Reno.