Alice: You know that stuff that they're selling now at the local shop?
Geraldine Granger: Which stuff?
Alice: I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
Geraldine Granger: Oh, yeah.
Alice: Well, you know, I can't believe it's not butter.
Geraldine Granger: Yeah, well, I believe that is the idea, yeah.
Alice: Then yesterday I went to Kirkenden and I bought this other stuff, like a sort of home brand, you know.
Geraldine Granger: Yes?
Alice: And, you know, I can't believe it's not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
Geraldine Granger: Mmmm?
Geraldine Granger: I'm losing you now.
Alice: Oh, right. Well, you know I Can't Believe It's Not Butter?
Geraldine Granger: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you think it is butter.
Alice: No, no. I mean, you know the stuff that I can't believe is not butter is called I Can't Believe It's Not Butter?
Geraldine Granger: Probably, yeah, yeah.
Alice: Well, I can't believe the stuff that is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. And I can't believe that both I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and the stuff that I can't believe is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter are both, in fact, not butter. And I believe... they both might be butter... in a cunning disguise. And, in fact, there's a lot more butter around than we all thought there was.
Geraldine Granger: Yeah. You see, I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm sure God does and is intrigued by the whole thing.
Geraldine Granger: I haven't any more religious jokes, but I suppose I have got a couple of animal ones.
Alice: Oh, fire off.
Geraldine Granger: Why did the lobster blush?
Geraldine Granger: Because the sea weed.
Alice: Because the sea weed what?
Geraldine Granger: Because the sea *weed*.
Alice: Did what?
Geraldine Granger: No, no, listen. The lobster was in the sea, right?
Geraldine Granger: And the sea weed. *Weed*.
[covers her mouth with her hands]
Alice: Oh dear, oh dear.
Geraldine Granger: What?
Alice: That is the rudest thing I have ever heard.
Letitia Cropley: The question is whether I bring the snails I've got for my new recipe.
Frank Pickle: What recipe is that?
Letitia Cropley: Bread and Butter Pudding Surprise.
Geraldine Granger: [a young boy has lost his pet, eaten by another pet, and the family asks the vicar to perform a funeral] Dear Lord, You have seen fit to take Karl from us. We commend his soul to You, and we pray that You welcome him into the Kingdom of Heaven. It's hard to understand exactly why Felix felt it necessary to eat Karl, especially since Felix had just devoured an entire tin of Whiskas.
George: [the vicar nods to George, holding his tiny box] In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Oily Ghost. Amen.