Norm Macdonald : The nation is still reeling from Thursday's bombshell announcement that Lisa Marie Presley has filed for divorce from Michael Jackson. According to friends, the two were never a good match. She's more of a, eh, stay at home type, and he's more of a homosexual pedophile.
Norm Macdonald : And now Weekend Update would like to wish a happy birthday to comic legend George Burns, who turned one hundred years old today.
[applause from the audience]
Norm Macdonald : You know, I don't know the secret to his longevity but I, I think I speak for all of us when I say I hope Pauley Shore doesn't know it either.