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"M*A*S*H" Radar's Report (TV Episode 1973) Poster

(TV Series)

(1973)

Quotes

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Hawkeye: [Trapper stands before the Chinese prisoner responsible for the death of his patient. Trapper contemplates removing the prisoner's I.V.; Hawkeye enters] Trapper? Trap?

[Trapper turns to him]

Hawkeye: That's not what we're about.

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[Hawkeye's making out with a nurse he thinks is married]

Hawkeye: What am I doing? What am I doing?

Lt. Erica Johnson: Whatever it is, I approve.

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Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: [voice over] Father Mulcahy tried to calm the prisoner by saying "bung-chow" believing it meant "peace and friendship." Unfortunately, it really means "your daughter's pregnancy brings much joy to our village."

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Lt. Col. Henry Blake: All right, let's have it. What's wrong with Klinger?

Maj. Frank Burns: What's wrong with Klinger? A soldier stands in your office in an evening gown and you ask what's wrong with him?

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Hawkeye: [to Trapper] You know something? For a man with a slow leak in his head, sometimes you think pretty good.

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Hawkeye: [talking to Erika about marriage] I'd love you in war and peace. Or Moby Dick. Any of the classics.

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Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Corporal Klinger, this is Major Freedman, divisional psychiatrist.

Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Major sir!

[curtsies wearing a frilly pink dress]

Dr. Sidney Freedman: You got me up here to ask me about him? About that?

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Yeah well, you see, it really wasn't my idea.

Dr. Sidney Freedman: All the way from Seoul to ask me what? Whether he needs a girdle under that? Whether his seams are straight?... OK, OK. It's all part of the war, I guess.

[picks up a clipboard and looks at Klinger]

Dr. Sidney Freedman: I have a few questions to ask you. Sit down, soldier.

Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Yes sir!

[runs over to the chair. Freedman takes his time filling out the first part of his report]

Dr. Sidney Freedman: Now, what's your name, honey?

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Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Sitting under a hair dryer. Frank Burns enters and bites Klinger on the neck] What are you doing?

Maj. Frank Burns: [Flustered] I was a...

Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Agitated] Can't a guy have a wash and set without someone biting him on the neck?

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [Enters tent] Biting who?

Maj. Frank Burns: [to Margaret] I was biting you.

Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: No you weren't. You were biting me.

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Klinger, what are you doing in here?

Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Just borrowing a little of your shampoo, Major. It's wartime. We all gotta help each other.

Maj. Frank Burns: [Incensed] No we dont! You get out of here, you pervert!

Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Accusing] Pervert? Who bit who, Major?

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [to Klinger, pointing at the door] OUT!

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