Hawkeye: [Trapper stands before the Chinese prisoner responsible for the death of his patient. Trapper contemplates removing the prisoner's I.V.; Hawkeye enters] Trapper? Trap?
[Trapper turns to him]
Hawkeye: That's not what we're about.
[Hawkeye's making out with a nurse he thinks is married]
Hawkeye: What am I doing? What am I doing?
Lt. Erica Johnson: Whatever it is, I approve.
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: [voice over] Father Mulcahy tried to calm the prisoner by saying "bung-chow" believing it meant "peace and friendship." Unfortunately, it really means "your daughter's pregnancy brings much joy to our village."
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: All right, let's have it. What's wrong with Klinger?
Maj. Frank Burns: What's wrong with Klinger? A soldier stands in your office in an evening gown and you ask what's wrong with him?
Hawkeye: [to Trapper] You know something? For a man with a slow leak in his head, sometimes you think pretty good.
Hawkeye: [talking to Erika about marriage] I'd love you in war and peace. Or Moby Dick. Any of the classics.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Corporal Klinger, this is Major Freedman, divisional psychiatrist.
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Major sir!
[curtsies wearing a frilly pink dress]
Dr. Sidney Freedman: You got me up here to ask me about him? About that?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Yeah well, you see, it really wasn't my idea.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: All the way from Seoul to ask me what? Whether he needs a girdle under that? Whether his seams are straight?... OK, OK. It's all part of the war, I guess.
[picks up a clipboard and looks at Klinger]
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I have a few questions to ask you. Sit down, soldier.
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Yes sir!
[runs over to the chair. Freedman takes his time filling out the first part of his report]
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Now, what's your name, honey?
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Sitting under a hair dryer. Frank Burns enters and bites Klinger on the neck] What are you doing?
Maj. Frank Burns: [Flustered] I was a...
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Agitated] Can't a guy have a wash and set without someone biting him on the neck?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [Enters tent] Biting who?
Maj. Frank Burns: [to Margaret] I was biting you.
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: No you weren't. You were biting me.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Klinger, what are you doing in here?
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Just borrowing a little of your shampoo, Major. It's wartime. We all gotta help each other.
Maj. Frank Burns: [Incensed] No we dont! You get out of here, you pervert!
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Accusing] Pervert? Who bit who, Major?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [to Klinger, pointing at the door] OUT!