Rob Schneider: Deuce Bigalow
T.J. Hicks : Did you know Holland invented chicken and waffles?
Deuce Bigalow : Really?
T.J. Hicks : Before that you could get chicken or waffles, but they were the first to put them together! Black people all over the world will be forever grateful to the Dutch for that.
Deuce Bigalow : You know the Dutch started the slave trade.
T.J. Hicks : THOSE MOTHER FUCKERS!
Deuce Bigalow : T.J., I'm so glad you are here.
T.J. Hicks : How did you find me?
Deuce Bigalow : Well, this seemed like the only chicken and waffles place in all of Holland.
T.J. Hicks : Ohhh, so the black guy has to go to a chicken and waffles place, that's Racist!
Deuce Bigalow : But you're here.
T.J. Hicks : Yeah, but figuring it out was racist.
Deuce Bigalow : [noticing all the black people] This is a nice place.
Deuce Bigalow : We're gonna prove that you didn't kill anyone.
T.J. Hicks : I don't give a damn about that. It's the "extremely gay" part that's bothering me. I mean, if I'm a murderer, they'll welcome me home with open arms. Get out of jail and become a huge rapper. But a gay pimp? Like, where am I going? Vermont?
Deuce Bigalow : This shirt will make a great ice-breaker.
Angry European : Fuck you American, you imperialistic dog!
Pro American Woman : I love America, I love President Bush. Thank you for bringing democracy to Iraq.
Angry European : Shut *up*!
Gaspar Voorsboch : [pointing a Sword at Deuce] You die with the rest of them, Gigolo! Those Gigalos... robbed Me of My Manhood, I was never able to satisfy a Woman, and I shall see to it that they don't either!
[Starts sword fighting with Deuce]
Deuce Bigalow : You don't have to kill anybody, Gaspar, cause You can please a Woman! These Gigalos... don't know what they're talking about!
Chadsworth Buckingham, III : [Watching from the TV outside the Building] Is He talking about us?
Deuce Bigalow : Do You really think that all a Woman wants; is for someone to give Her a mud pretzel, Turkish snow cone, or an Irish facial?
Chadsworth Buckingham, III : Yes they do, liar!
[All the Women nod in disagreement]
Deuce Bigalow : All a Woman really wants; is someone who cares about Her, asks Her about or day, or how She's feeling... or or at least pretends to.
Chadsworth Buckingham, III : [All the Women agree with Deuce] What?
Gaspar Voorsboch : ...or when She's sad...
[Gaspar lunges his sword at Deuce, but misses]
Gaspar Voorsboch : ... cry with Her! Face it, these Gigalos are just ripping Women off!
Chadsworth Buckingham, III : Hey, I'll let You know that I've had absolutely no complaints from any of those freaks!
Lily : [Slaps His Face] I faked it!
Deuce Bigalow : Women don't care if You drive a fancy car, wear a Rolex watch, or have a gigantic schlong like... Heinz Hummer.
Mahmoud : This Guy knows his shit!
Chadsworth Buckingham, III : [All the Gigalos pull out objects that make it look like they have bulges] What are You all doing?... anybody else? *Lil' Kim pulls out a Tootsie roll*
Deuce Bigalow : Let a Woman You know You really care about Her, and maybe She'll give You an Irish facial.
Gaspar Voorsboch : [Knocks the sword out of Deuces hand, pulls out the remote detonator] We die together, Deuce!
Deuce Bigalow : Please sir, You don't have to do this!
Gaspar Voorsboch : They ruined My Life!
Deuce Bigalow : Just give Me the detonator...
Gaspar Voorsboch : No, My penis exploded!
Deuce Bigalow : O.k... that's a tough one, I'll give You that, but having a penis... is overrated, trust Me.
Deuce Bigalow : [T.J. just came out of Jail] Hey, did anyone hurt you in there?
T.J. Hicks : Oh, you're asking if I got ass-pumped, is what's goin on here?
Deuce Bigalow : Not if you don't want to talk about it.
T.J. Hicks : Well, you see, it turns out that I'm not really... that attractive.
Deuce Bigalow : Well, you've been cleared of murder, but people still think you're gay.
T.J. Hicks : Hey, don't tell nobody I'm not gay, I mean, just think of it; T.J., the Gay mans Pimp, and I'm the corner Market man, check out my new bitches.
[a bunch of gay people stare, and wave at T.J]
Deuce Bigalow : O.k. then, lets go grab some chicken, and Waffles, my treat.
T.J. Hicks : Man, you said the first thing a black man wants when he gets out of jail.
Gaspar Voorsboch : We will die together, Douche!
Deuce Bigalow : Please, you don't have to do this.
Gaspar Voorsboch : Those Manwhores ruined my life!
Deuce Bigalow : Just give me the detonater.
Gaspar Voorsboch : No, my Penis exploded!
Deuce Bigalow : O.k., that's a tough one, I'll give you that, but... having a Penis, is way over rated, trust me.
Deuce Bigalow : [on the way to the Man-Whore awards, and Eva is riding behind them] Hey look, there's Eva!
Gaspar Voorsboch : Oh.
[starts speeding up]
Deuce Bigalow : Hey what are you doing, she's right behind us.
Eva : Deuce, he's the killer!
Deuce Bigalow : Huh, what?
Eva : You're with the killer!
Deuce Bigalow : Wuh... I'm with the dealer?
Eva : He's the Man-Whore killer!
Deuce Bigalow : Um, Eighteen Wheeler?
Eva : [comes right up to the Passengers Window] My uncle is the killer!
Deuce Bigalow : Oh, I'm with the...
[Gaspar points a gun towards him]
Deuce Bigalow : ...I mean... you're the Killer?
Gaspar Voorsboch : She said: You are with the killer, you stupid ho!
Deuce Bigalow : [making sense of the Situation] Ohhhhh.
[notices a hand bag with the Leopard-coat, and a wig barely showing out]
Deuce Bigalow : ...but... why, what did Man-Whores ever do to YOU?
Gaspar Voorsboch : What did they do to me? All my life, I wanted to be one thing, a Gigolo, yes, me, Gaspar Voorsboch! I'll never forget that day, it was my first Semester at Man-Whore University.