Dora Diamond: I love self-loathing complaint rock you can dance to.
Dora Diamond: Well, you know how there are couples that stay together just because they feel like they can't do any better, or there are people who are sad and miserable and live alone? But then there's this microscopically teeny group of luck people who get to be with the person they're madly in love with.
Paul Tannek: Dora, you ever consider being in love and leaving out the "madly" part?
Dora Diamond: Well, what's the fun in that?
Dora Diamond: You have a girlfriend?
Paul Tannek: Ex-girlfriend. We dated in high school.
Dora Diamond: Do you still see her?
Paul Tannek: No. She lost some weight over the summer, so she's dating a lot more now. You know how it goes.
Professor Edward Alcott: You know, I have this kind of crazy philosophy that your grades should represent your grasp of the material and not your negotiating skills - which are amazing, by the way.
Adam: You gotta help me. Lisa is all primed but her helpful friend, fat Rita, will take her home unless she gets some action, too.
Noah: OK, first of all, I'm way too wasted to be operating heavy machinery. And second of all, I got this little spinner all G-ed out. She's liquid.
Adam: Leave her on the back burner. Take one for the team.
Paul Tannek: Oh, are you referring to the illegal drugs you disperse at parties?
Chris: What are you talking about? What, are you gonna turn into a narc on us?
Paul Tannek: What kinda drugs were you giving out here?
Chris: Drugs? Man, all we had was BEER.
Paul Tannek: You can't pass out from beer.
Chris: Yes, you can, if you take something before you drink it!
Professor Edward Alcott: Paul, Adam, Chris, Noah - they're all my little honor students, but they couldn't get through a copy of Rolling Stone between the four of them.
Chris: I'm gonna tell you something, and this... this is gonna be for your own good, okay?
Paul Tannek: Okay.
Chris: No one likes you.
Paul Tannek: They don't?
Chris: No. You didn't notice?
Chris: Man, our T.G. party was a total bust. Every time I got close to hittin' it with one of those new mamas, her evil girlfriend's got to show up and screw everything up.
Adam: What we need is a higher female-to-male ratio, like in cool nightclubs, you know, where they let in five times as many women as men.
Noah: How are we gonna get five times as many women to show up?
Adam: We have a party but we call it a fundraiser.
Chris: So we gotta think of a charity.
Adam: It's gotta be the right charity. It's got to attract hotties.
Noah: What's that country with all the babies?
Chris: But wait, I don't know about babies. No, I mean, that's going to give 'em the wrong message.
Noah: How about AIDS?
Adam: Oh, THERE'S a mood-setter.
Chris: Whoa! Whoa! Wha-what's goin' on?
Inspector: Inspections for drugs and alcohol.
Adam: Since when?
Student: O'Brien from the eighth floor's in a coma.
Student: So the board instigated some new policies.
Adam: [overlapping the next two lines] That-that-that-that-that-that-that...
Noah: This is whack!
Chris: Can they even DO this?
Adam: I'm callin' my father's lawyer. Our parents pay a lot of money for us to enjoy our college experience.
Adam: [noticing Paul's dorky hat] That is a great hat! Did the producers of Fargo have a garage sale?
Prisoner: [handcuffed to a cop, watching a baldness treatment product TV commercial in the hospital waiting room] Losing your hair sucks.
Paul Tannek: They say it comes from your mother.
Prisoner: [aggressively] My mother's got hair, you know!
Dora Diamond: It isn't ennobling, being poor. It just makes you mean.
Paul Tannek: Yeah, that's why all the really nice people are rich.
Dora Diamond: You think I don't know anything!
Professor Edward Alcott: [flirtingly] I think you know how to walk in a pair of platform Mary Janes. I think you know how to style your hair with an egg beater.
Dora Diamond: You are so condescending!
Video Store Clerk: Could you maintain a rod and watch Billy Crystal at the same time? Nah, don't feel bad. No one can.
Professor Edward Alcott: I'm sure if she were alive, Betty Friedan would applaud your little epiphany.
Dora Diamond: Oh really? Well, if Kafka was still alive he'd say "Stop misinterpreting my novels, you pretentious bonehead!"
Noah: Oh, my God. Are you guys taking Psych?
Noah: Do you ever look in the book?
Noah: Look at this retard!
Paul Tannek: Hey, has anybody seen my toothbrush?
Chris: [from the other room] You can't find it? Shit, you better find that thing, man. Those things can cost up to $2.50.
Noah: [also from the other room] Yeah, and yours has such a nice handle, man.
Chris: Come on! You're my asshole buddy. Look, since O'Brien died...
Paul Tannek: What?
Chris: O'Brien, on the eighth floor, he died. So they've instituted this new policy where they're, like, doing grocery inspections to make sure there's no alcohol coming in, and they're doing spot checks to make sure that there's, like, one guest per person. Just because one guy can't monitor his buzz, all of us got to suffer.