If You Only Knew (2000) Poster

Alison Eastwood: Samantha


  • Parker Concorde : [apartment hunting]  So, you don't have a problem rooming with guys?

    Samantha : No. I mean, before David it was Dean, and then before Dean it was Philip, and before Philip... Well, anyway, you get the point. Yeah, I... I feel safer living with a man. Plus, I made some great friends.

    Parker Concorde : So, you're not worried about things turning... romantic?

    Samantha : Romantic?

    Parker Concorde : I mean, you're very... You're a very attractive woman.

    Samantha : Oh, thank you, Parker. That's why I only live with men who are gay.

  • Jack : [as Boris, Parker's Russian boyfriend, checking out Sam's paintings]  Oh, it's very nice, um, pictures.

    Samantha : In our country we call them paintings.

    Jack : [checking out her behind]  Panties.

    Samantha : No, paintings.

    Jack : Panties.

    Samantha : [correctively]  PAIN-TINGS.

    Jack : Pain-ties.

  • Samantha : That's the great thing about painting. If you don't like something, you just paint right over it and start fresh.

  • Kate : Men are just giant artichokes. They're prickly and hairy and hard and... until you get to the heart.

    Parker Concorde : Which is the best part.

    Kate : Are you SURE you're gay?

    Samantha : He is sweet, isn't he? You ever had your ass waxed?

  • Samantha : [checking Parker's groceries]  Oh, wow, my favorite - although I think you have it backwards, though. You're supposed to buy me dinner BEFORE we sleep together.

    Parker Concorde : Oh... Well, you know I'm sexually dyslectic.

  • Parker Concorde : Penny for your thoughts.

    Samantha : Two bucks and you're on.

    Parker Concorde : Okay, but it better be good.

  • Tom : Sam, let me ask you something. When you needed a friend, was Parker a friend?

    Samantha : What?

    Tom : And when you needed a lover, wasn't Parker a great lover?

    Samantha : GOOD lover.

    Tom : Really? Because I seem to remember you saying, "Oh, Tom, he's such a great lover!"

    Samantha : Okay! Okay.

    Tom : And when you needed a gay roommate, wasn't Parker a gay roommate?

    Samantha : Tom, what's your point?

    Tom : Just this - that ever since I've known you, you've never been able to find the kind of man who was everything you needed... until now.

  • Parker Concorde : You know, I'm glad you came around, because I was about to have a coronary.

    Samantha : Yeah, me, too.

  • [a knock at the door] 

    Samantha : [calling offscreen]  That's Ben. Would you get that? Tell him I'll be out in a minute.

    Parker Concorde : Only if I can unleash the animals.

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs

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