Ri¢hie Ri¢h (1994)
[Cadbury has just made a break from jail, and is reunited with Richie]
Richie Rich: Cadbury?
Herbert Cadbury: Richie! Oh, thank God, I've been worried sick...!
[they hug each other]
Herbert Cadbury: I do beg your pardon, sir. All that emotion. Quite out of order. Got caught up in the moment.
Richie Rich: Cadbury?
Herbert Cadbury: Yes, sir?
Richie Rich: Shut up!
Herbert Cadbury: Thank you, sir.
[having forced Richard Sr. and Regina to open Mount Richmore, Van Dough finds that instead of money, it contains... baby pictures, comic books, baseball cards, finger paintings, and other bric-a-brac!]
Van Dough: Why, this is incredible! This is amazing! Why, this is -...
Van Dough: This is... this is junk!
Regina Rich: [they both look insulted] Junk?
Van Dough: What is this? Bronze dog bones? Accordians? Baby pictures, tricycles, kites...
[picks up a]
Van Dough: Bowling trophies?
Richard Rich Sr.: Oh, do you remember that, darling?
Regina Rich: Our first date!
Van Dough: What is all of this crap?
Regina Rich: These are our treasured possessions!
Van Dough: But where's the gold... the diamonds... the negotiable bearer bonds? The money!
[points his gun at them]
Van Dough: WHERE'S THE MONEY?
Richard Rich Sr.: In banks, where else? And the stock market, real estate...
Van Dough: No! Is this some kind of joke? You're telling me there isn't one single platinum bar, or emerald, or $1,000 bill in this *entire mountain*?
Richard Rich Sr.: Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, Lawrence, but that's not what we treasure.
Van Dough: [to Ambler] Shoot them! Shoot them now, please!
Pee-Wee: Hey, man, just checking out your crib here.
Richie Rich: My crib?
Herbert Cadbury: I believe that's street slang for home, sir, an idiom.
Omar: Who you callin' an idiom?
Herbert Cadbury: NEVER mess with a man with sensitive teeth!
Herbert Cadbury: Excuse me, sir. It's a telephone call, from the President.
Richard Rich Sr.: Which country?
Herbert Cadbury: This one, sir.
Richard Rich Sr.: Probably needs another loan.
Richard Rich Sr.: How do you put up with me, Regina?
Regina Rich: Well, you do have $70 billion.
Richard Rich Sr.: Is that the ONLY reason?
Regina Rich: [she lightly gives him a smooch] No. You also have a cute butt.
[she walks away sensually, and he looks embarrassed, and then chuckles]
Richard Rich Sr.: Hey, Cadbury, did you hear that?
Herbert Cadbury: Indeed, sir. Madam admires your butt. I'm most delighted for you.
School Teacher: [In the typical deep slow voice acting of Ben Stein] Let's move on to case study #12: Your company is in dire straits. Sales are down 50% due to stiff price competition. Dividends are falling. Stockholders are demanding that you step down as chariman of the board. Now, here's your problem: How do you rally the board of directors to your side AND stave off impending bankruptcy...? Reynolds?
Reynolds: [who has been reading a newspaper] I'll have my secretary get back to you on that one.
School Teacher: See me after class, Reynolds. Ellsworth, how would you get the board on your side?
Ellsworth: [who has been playing miniature golf] Bribe someone.
School Teacher: [sighs] Sit down, Ellsworth. Reginald, what would you do?
Reginald: [who is being fitted by a tailor] What would I do? Simple. I'd float a rumor that we're the object of a takeover bid. And as soon as our stock went up, I'd sell.
School Teacher: That's not only unethical, Reginald, it's illegal.
Reginald: I'm only 12. I can't be held legally responsible.
School Teacher: Hmm, good point.
Herbert Cadbury: Well... I'm already wanted for attempted murder, escaping from jail, and blowing up an aircraft. Breaking and entering sounds right up my alley. Let's kick some butt, shall we?
Diane Pazinski: Let's!
Richard Rich Sr.: I must say, Regina, now our son really *is* the richest boy in the world.
Regina Rich: He has *friends.*
Regina Rich: ... And in about half a year, he'll have something else that money can't give him, but *we* can.
Richard Rich Sr.: [CUTTING-ROOM FLOOR-LINE] Oh? Whatever might *that* be?
Regina Rich: [lightly pats her belly] ... A baby sister.
Herbert Cadbury: [Richard beams - as does Cadbury, who has been looking on from behind, and who now turns to a nearby mirror] ... Well, old boy, here we go again.
Ferguson: [after manhandling Richie] It's my duty to protect him.
Herbert Cadbury: Yes,very well, Mr. Ferguson, but if you grab him like that again, it is YOU who will need protecting.
[upon seeing that Richie's adult-caliber schedule keeps him too busy to play with Gloria and her friends]
Diane Pazinski: Poor kid.
Dave Walter: Poor kid? What are you talking about? He's the richest kid in the world!
Diane Pazinski: You don't have children, do you, Dave?
Professor Keenbean: [spraying his latest invention on a test dummy] Now, THIS makes any fabric instantly impervious. Dirt proof, stain proof, water proof, and...
[calls out assistant with a gun]
Professor Keenbean: Sherman!
[Sherman nods, as they go behind the glass wall behind, Sherman fires at the dummy who remains unharmed. As they reenter, Keenbean picks out a bullet that is still hot]
Professor Keenbean: Ouch! And bullet proof! It's still not perfected yet! It's hell on the dry-cleaning bill.
Richie Rich: No kidding.
Van Dough: I'm all in favor of charity, sir. But your donations are costing the corporation $1 billion a year, and I think it's time we asked ourselves: What are we getting for it?
Regina Rich: [incredulous] What are we getting for it? Why, we're getting food banks, medical clinics, shelters for the homeless-!
Richard Rich Sr.: Now, Regina, calm down! It's my job to keep an eye on the bottom line.
Van Dough: Which is why I have to oppose the United Tool acquisition. We should be getting rid of dead weight, not acquiring more.
Richard Rich Sr.: I agree. That's why I am getting rid of United Tool...
Regina Rich: Richard! All those people and their jobs!
Van Dough: That is brilliant. I should've thought of it myself. We buy the company in bankruptcy, level the factories...
Richard Rich Sr.: No, I'm keeping the factory open.
Van Dough: Then we go in and bust the unions, slash benefits, and after that sell the company. Right?
Richard Rich Sr.: No. We give it away.
Van Dough: [bangs his hand down on the table, and snaps his finger] We git it a - -
[suddenly looks despaired]
Van Dough: We give it away.
Richard Rich Sr.: Absolutely! We modernize it, of course, and retool. Then we turn the factory over to the workers.
Richard Rich Sr.: [on Prof. Keenbean's Smellmaster 9000] Darling. We have Glasses to help us SEE better, and hearing aids to help us HEAR better. Why shouldn't we have something to help us SMELL better?
Regina Rich: We do, dear. It's called Chanel.
Gloria: [Richie is hiding out at Gloria's apartment] I like this "street" look on you, Richie. If I didn't know better, I'd swear you were almost normal.
Richie Rich: Thanks, I think.
Gloria: No, seriously. I used to think you were just some spoiled rich kid. But now, you're not so bad.
Richie Rich: Yeah, likewise.
Diane Pazinski: You got a first name?
Herbert Cadbury: Of course.
Diane Pazinski: And?
Herbert Cadbury: [pause] Herbert.
Diane Pazinski: Herb!
Herbert Cadbury: No, it's HERBERT. I'm not a seasoning.
[Richie wants to play baseball with Gloria's sandlot-team]
Richie Rich: Come on. Let me hit.
Gloria: Forget it; you probably couldn't even hit a BEACH BALL!
Richie Rich: I could hit it off of YOU.
Gloria: [insulted] All right - You think you're so hot? Put your money where your mouth is!
Richie Rich: You mean bet?
Tony: Yeah. $5 says she could put you away for keeps.
Gloria: $5? How about $10?
Richie Rich: Okay - Seems a little steep, but $10 thousand it is.
[He whips it out, and they all freak out]
Gloria: No, not $10 thousand. $10 dollars.
Richie Rich: Oh, $10 dollars. Okay.
Herbert Cadbury: Master Richie, I do think it unseemly in the extreme for you to take these - children's money.
Gloria: What are you doing, Mr. Fancy Pants? Asking the old guy for batting tips?
Herbert Cadbury: [insulted] Take their backsides to the cleaners, Master Richie.
Reginald: [to the valet at private school] This is a cappuccino. I asked for a DECAF CAFFE LATTE, you incompetent imbecile!
Herbert Cadbury: [Richie prepares to introduce himself to Gloria and her sandlot-baseball team] You can't play with THESE children. I must protest!
Richie Rich: Cadbury, CHILL. I'll be fine.
Herbert Cadbury: But they probably haven't even been VACCINATED!
Herbert Cadbury: Come along sir, you mustn't keep your personal trainer waiting.
Richie Rich: [getting out of bed] Tell Arnold I really don't feel like excercising today.
[Cadbury clears his throat, and in walks in Claudia Schiffer. Richie's mouth drops open]
Aerobics Instructor: I hope you don't mind, but Arnold cancelled. So I'll be filling in. My name is Claudia.
Richie Rich: Yikes!
[Wiggles his eyebrows. They start doing some basic excercises, and Richie and Cadbury are watching her]
Richie Rich: Cadbury, about Arnold...
Herbert Cadbury: Arnold's history, sir.
Aerobics Instructor: [She bends over, and the two men are mesmorized] All the way back down, stretch and back up.
Diane Pazinski: [after Herbert pulls Diane close against his body to save her from being run over by the four-wheeling children] Do I detect a rising fire sign, Herbert?
Herbert Cadbury: [Embarrassed pause] You, Diane,
Herbert Cadbury: are a Capricorn.
Diane Pazinski: Hey, how did you know that?
Richard Rich Sr.: [singing the passcode to open the family vault] We ain't got a barrel of money.
Regina Rich: Maybe we're ragged and funny.
Vault Security System: Code accepted.
Van Dough: Thank you, Beavis and Butthead.
[after the laser gun has destroyed the nose on her Mount Richmore carving]
Regina Rich: Oh, my God, my nose! I look like Michael Jackson!
Richard Rich Sr.: Mount Richmore? I did say that we needed a family portrait, Regina. But this?
Regina Rich: Well, it was Rafaelle's idea. She's the artist. I didn't want to stifle her creativity.
Richard Rich Sr.: Oh, honey. You know I'm all for the arts. But don't you think it's a tad pretentious to have our faces 100 feet high? Wait 'til Geraldo gets a hold of this!
Van Dough: [as he steps out of his limo and into a puddle] 37-and-a-half miles of driveway, and you park in the 5 feet with a puddle!
Chauffeur: I'm very sorry, sir.
Van Dough: You're very sorry? Well, in that case, find another job.
[Richie and his private-schoolmates are on break from their fencing class]
Reynolds: Capital appreciation is all well and good, but not without a sound growth strategy.
Ellsworth: Well, I've only got one word to say to you: pork bellies.
Richie Rich: ...I'm wondering if you guys can come over this weekend and hang out with me. Like normal kids do.
Reynolds: *Normal* kids? You're really acting weird, Richie. Anyway, no can do. I promised my dad I'd go with him for a hostile takeover in Tokyo.
Richie Rich: Et tu, Ellsworth?
Ellsworth: [shrugs] Trustees' meeting. Sorry.
Herbert Cadbury: Thank heavens! My teeth wear starting to grow fur.
[hums as he nearly brushes his teeth with Keenbean's super-corrosive "toothpaste"]
Herbert Cadbury: Oh! Talk about extra-strength tartar control.
[after surviving a plane crash, they are on a raft in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean]
Richard Rich Sr.: Well, that's it, honey. We're out of Perrier, the caviar's gone, and there's no more melba toast. The only thing we've got left is a bottle of Dom.
Regina Rich: And this little pack of Bubblicious. Richie's favorite. He's only twelve years old, Richard. He's just a boy...
[She looks past him and notices something]
Regina Rich: Oh, my God! We're saved!
Richard Rich Sr.: What?
Regina Rich: My Louis! Darling, my suitcase.
[It is floating nearby; In another scene, Richard Senior brings it aboard the raft, and they examine the contents]
Regina Rich: My makeup case, my dresses, my Karl Lagerfeld, my Bill Blass...
Richard Rich Sr.: My tuxedo. Now we can throw a dinner party - Wait a minute. Here's something we CAN use.
[He holds up a Remington "Microscreen" electric razor, and turns it on]
Regina Rich: Richard, don't you think this is an odd time to start shaving your legs?
Richard Rich Sr.: No, Regina. This is might be the very thing that saves us. The very thing. Yes!
Regina Rich: Richard, darling, you've been too long at sea.
Regina Rich: [They are boarding a plane bound for England] Oh, Richard, you're not seriously considering giving the queen the Smellmaster for her birthday?
Richard Rich Sr.: Why not, Regina? I think she'd get a kick out of it! Anything to take her mind off those children of hers.
[he finds a lonely Richie surveying their backyard from the balcony]
Herbert Cadbury: Excuse me, Master Richie. Sensing you were at a loose end, I've arranged for a little entertainment.
Richie Rich: I'm really not in the mood for the Vienna Boys' Choir today, Cadbury. Thanks anyhow.
Regina Rich: [still lost at sea] Richard, if we ever get out of this, I'm gonna soak for a week in a vat of Oil of Olay... Why haven't they found us yet?
Richard Rich Sr.: Probably because the locator-transmitter in the plane is under a mile of water. So unless we find a Radio Shack out here at sea...
Regina Rich: There's only one person ruthless enough to set off a bomb on our plane. When I get my fingers on him, I'll-...
Richard Rich Sr.: Now, Regina, we don't know for sure who it was.
Regina Rich: Oh, Richard, wake up and smell the seaweed.
[assuming that he knows she means Van Dough]
Regina Rich: You should have fired him years ago!
Richard Rich Sr.: Darling, I have never fired anyone in my life, and I don't intend to start now.
Regina Rich: But, Van Dough!
[she shirks in disgust at him]
Richard Rich Sr.: He thought Richie was on the plane with us.
[becomes a newsflash to both of them]
Richard Rich Sr.: Regina, we have to survive! If only to warn Richie, his life could be in real danger.
Richard Rich Sr.: [They are preparing to depart for England] Perk up, son. It won't be long before you're having tea and crumpets with the queen!
Richie Rich: I'd much rather eat a hot dog at Wrigley Field.
Richard Rich Sr.: [chuckles] So would I, son. So would I.
Herbert Cadbury: ...Sir, your Latin tutorial has been moved back an hour; that gives you time for a spot of polo. Then on to your tax-law seminar. Oh, and this coming weekend, big treat: You and your parents are flying to London to take tea with Her Majesty... Is something amiss, sir?
Richie Rich: [unhappy] First, my friends are too busy to hang out with me... And now, *I'M* too busy to hang out with me.
Herbert Cadbury: [the gang has managed to hit Nash with a bag of manure, knocking him out, and Cadbury speaks into it with a gruff voice, to try to cover up the situation] Yeah, this is Nash. False alarm. Everything's slicker than the snot on a doorknob.
[the kids roll their eyes]
Herbert Cadbury: I heard it in prison.
TV Guard: Roger that.
TV Guard: [to himself] I think those Twinkies are starting to rot his brain.
Prison Lowlife: Welcome to your worst nightmare.
Herbert Cadbury: [gulps in frightened anticipation of what he thinks will be something terrible and violent]
Prison Lowlife: [ominously reveals a hand of cards, then smugly and confidently places a card on the table in front of him, unaware that Cadbury is a whiz at cards]
Herbert Cadbury: [in a relieved cheerful tone] Ohhh...!
[holds up a strong/winning hand of cards]
Herbert Cadbury: Gin!
Prison Lowlife: [rolls his eyes and scrunches up his face in total frustrated fury at his failure to win the game or intimidate Cadbury, then turns abruptly and batters his head violently against the metal-bar wall of his cell, giving a scream of maniacal rage each time his forehead hits the wall] Ahhwwwwh... YUH! YUH! YUH! YUH! YUH! YUH! YUH!
Herbert Cadbury: [twisting his mouth gently and speaking in a quiet tone of sarcastic sympathy at the bully's cry-baby behavior] Ohhhh... I'm sorrrrrrry...
Richie Rich: [looking up somewhat uncertainly at the enormous tall Rich Industries office building towering up in front of him] I'm not sure if I can go through with this, Cadbury.
Herbert Cadbury: Just remember these words, Master Richie - - "You have the power of your father inside you."
Richie Rich: You mean, like, "Trust the force, Luke"?
Herbert Cadbury: [maintaining his debonair composure even though he is a bit dismayed to have his elegantly-worded example "degraded" by having it merely compared to a quote in a science fiction movie] "Pree-cisely, sir!"
Nash: [into walkie-talkie, with mouth full] This is Nash.
Zullo: Nash, I didn't hear that. Come back with that.
Nash: This is Nash.
Richie Rich: [into walkie talkie] Fire two!
[Cadbury launches a second sack of manure]
Nash: [mouth full] Somebody throwing SHIII-!
[the sack knocks him out]
Richie Rich: YES!
Professor Keenbean: [while biting into a large deli meat roll] My inventions!
Herbert Cadbury: [in a tone of disgust and indignation as he and the rest of Richie's group are being herded into the molecular reorganizer] After all that this family has done for you, and this is how you behave?
Ferguson: [in a lightly-casual sarcastic tone] Well, yeah, so I guess I won't be getting that EMPLOYEE OF THE YEAR AWARD, after all, eh?
Richie Rich: How come all we do is talk about money? Why don't we do something fun.
Ellsworth: Money is fun!
Professor Keenbean: [introducing his latest invention] This baby is the ultimate corrosive. I call it - DON'T TOUCH IT! - I call it "hydrochloricdioxynucleocarbonium". Well, the name needs work. But it'll eat through a Buick! OR -...
Richie Rich: Prison bars.
Professor Keenbean: Exactly.
Richie Rich: [on Rich Industries' venture into the candy bar-business] We simply cannot let our competition be nuttier than we are.
Van Dough: [to his long-suffering secretary, who's been rubbing his temples] No, clockwise. I said, massage CLOCKWISE. Migranes are bad enough without your incompetence. Get out!
Pee-Wee: [commenting on the size of Rich Manor] This place probably's got its own zip code!
Richie Rich: [to Gloria and her fellow sandlotters] If any one of you guys wanna turn back, now's the time.
Gloria: No way. Would you turn back if you were us? We're with you, Richie.
Omar: [Sniffs] Hey man, you nervous or something?
Tony: No. Whaddaya talkin' about.
Omar: DID YOU FART?
Omar: Man, you cut the cheese!
Tony: Whoever smelt it dealt it.
Omar: Well, whoever denied it supplied it.
Herbert Cadbury: Remember this, you have the power of your father inside you.
Richie Rich: Sort of like "trust the force, Luke?"
Herbert Cadbury: [sniffs] Good grief! Manure?
Omar: Hey, it's all we could find!
Herbert Cadbury: Very well. Load.
Richie Rich: [into walkie-talkie] I'm in position. You guys almost ready?
Herbert Cadbury: [sniffs, into walkie-talkie] Eminently.
Diane Pazinski: Are you a Sagittarius?
Herbert Cadbury: No, Madam.
Diane Pazinski: Pisces.
Herbert Cadbury: No, Madam.
Diane Pazinski: Leo!
Herbert Cadbury: No, I'm a Taurus.
Diane Pazinski: I knew it! The bull...
Herbert Cadbury: [sigh] Correct, Madam.
Richard Rich Sr.: [as Regina is dangling from the glasses of Rich Sr's Mount Richmore face, being held onto by Richie and Rich Sr] I'm gonna swing you into my mouth.
Regina Rich: [frantically] In you mouth?
Richard Rich Sr.: [calmly] In my mouth.
Regina Rich: [frantically] In your mouth?
Richard Rich Sr.: [calmly] It's large enough.
Professor Keenbean: [taped to a chair] AAAH!
[Ferguson rams Keenbean into wall and starts choking him]
Van Dough: [eating Keenbean's sandwich] Come on, Professor, play nice. You think I'm enjoying this?
Professor Keenbean: [gagging] Yesss.
Richie Rich: [seeing his gentle dignified friend clad in the would-be hitman's hideous punk-biker's costume of glossy black fabric imprinted with hundreds of tiny white human skulls] You know, Cadbury, that get-up really doesn't go with your personality.
Herbert Cadbury: Yeah, I know. I was lucky to be able to hold onto my own underwear.
Diane Pazinski: [seeing Cadbury disguised as the hoodlum] Whoa, look who's slummin'!
Ferguson: Guess what, Professor? In 30 seconds, you won't even recognize your little friends anymore!
Van Dough: [while interrogating Professor Keenbean] You told me what this machine can do to a person. How'd you like to spend the rest of your life as a bedpan?
Professor Keenbean: Here in the basement of the Rich Manor, future stockholders are looking at the 21st century answer to the problem of waste management. Professor Keenbean here, with Rich Industry's latest breakthrough: the Sub-Atomic Molecular Re-Organizer!
[behind him, two tandem hopper cages full of garbage slowly advance towards a huge machine]
Professor Keenbean: Useless garbage is broken down into its basic molecular components, which are then recombined to form a whole range of useful new products, from bedpans to bowling balls! Hey, need a new bedpan? I know I do!
[types "bedpan" into a computer]
Professor Keenbean: It's quick, it's easy, and in no time at all... you've taken 50 lbs of yesterday's garbage and transformed it into a beautiful new bed... bowling ball!
[the machine begins ejecting bowling balls, one after another]
Diane Pazinski: I hope you didn't go to much trouble, you know, with the food and all.
Herbert Cadbury: Not at all Madam, I've prepared a simple yet elegant menu: Consommé, fruits de mer, poulet, pommes dauphonoise AND... A bombe surprise!
Diane Pazinski: Mmmm... Sounds delicious
Herbert Cadbury: However, Master Richie was of the opinion that his young guests deserve a break today.
[Opens door to reveal a McDonald's]