Dumb and Dumber (1994)
Jim Carrey: Lloyd
Lloyd Christmas : We got no food, we got no jobs... our PETS' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!
Harry Dunne : [a large bus full of gorgeous women in bikinis pull up beside them and three step out]
Bikini Girl : Hi, guys. We're going on a national bikini tour, and we're looking for two oil boys who can grease us off before each competition.
Harry Dunne : You are in luck! There's a town about three miles that way. I'm sure you'll find a couple guys there.
Bikini Girl : [baffled] Okay, thanks.
[the doors close and the bus drives off. After a second, Lloyd turns to Harry]
Lloyd Christmas : Do you realize what you've done?
[they run after the bus]
Lloyd Christmas : HEY! HEY!
Harry Dunne : Lloyd! Lloyd!
[the bus stops and opens the doors]
Lloyd Christmas : [panting] You'll have to excuse my friend. He's a little slow. The town is back *that* way.
Lloyd Christmas : [addressing Mary] I'm crazy about you. I've never felt this way about anybody.
Lloyd Christmas : [laughs nervously] Listen to me! I feel like a schoolboy again. A schoolboy who desperately wants to make sweet, sweet love to you.
Mary Swanson : [Mary comes into the room, making it clear to viewers that Lloyd's previous words were just a rehearsal] I thought I heard you talking to someone.
Lloyd Christmas : [now extremely nervous] Mary... I... I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy.
Lloyd Christmas : [Reaching over Joe Mantelino] You're it.
Harry Dunne : You're it.
Lloyd Christmas : You're it, quitsies!
Harry Dunne : Anti-quitsies, you're it, quitsies, no anti-quitsies, no startsies!
Lloyd Christmas : You can't do that!
Harry Dunne : Can too!
Lloyd Christmas : Cannot, stamp it!
Harry Dunne : Can too, double stamp it, no erasies!
Lloyd Christmas : Cannot, triple stamp, no erasies, Touch blue make it true.
Harry Dunne : No, you can't do that... you can't triple stamp a double stamp, you can't triple stamp a double stamp! Lloyd!
Lloyd Christmas : [hands over ears] LA LA LA LA LA LA!
Harry Dunne : LLOYD! LLOYD! LLOYD!
Joe Mentalino : GUYS! ENOUGH!
Lloyd Christmas : I'll bet you twenty bucks I can get you gambling before the end of the day!
Harry Dunne : No way!
Lloyd Christmas : I'll give you three to one odds.
Harry Dunne : No.
Lloyd Christmas : Five to one.
Harry Dunne : No.
Lloyd Christmas : Ten to one?
Harry Dunne : You're on!
Lloyd Christmas : I'm gonna get ya!
Harry Dunne : Nuh uh!
Lloyd Christmas : I don't know how, but I'm gonna get ya.
Harry Dunne : So you got fired again, eh?
Lloyd Christmas : Oh yeah. They always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, you know?
Harry Dunne : Yeah, well, I lost my job too.
Lloyd Christmas : Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense.
Harry Dunne : No, none taken. You know what really chaps my ass though? I spent my life savings turning my van into a dog. The alarm alone cost me two hundred.
Lloyd Christmas : Hey, chicks love it. It's a shaggin' wagon.
Harry Dunne : I don't get it, Lloyd. She told me ten o' clock, sharp! Are you sure you went to the right bar?
Lloyd Christmas : Yep. I'm pretty sure. Lobby bar right by the lobby.
Harry Dunne : [sighs]
Lloyd Christmas : Maybe she just had a change of heart.
Harry Dunne : Oh, that pisses me off! That pisses me right off! I hate when women do that. She wanted to see you again! And now no? Now... Wait a minute! Wait! She must have meant ten o' clock at night!
Lloyd Christmas : Do you think...?
Harry Dunne : Why would she have you meet her in a bar at ten in the morning?
Lloyd Christmas : I just figured she was a raging alcoholic.
Harry Dunne : What's her last name? I'll look it up.
Lloyd Christmas : You know, I don't really recall. Starts with an S! Let's see. Swim? Swammi? Slippy? Slappy? Swenson? Swanson?
Harry Dunne : Maybe it's on the briefcase.
Lloyd Christmas : Oh, yeah! It's right here.
[He reads the manufacturer's name, which is Samsonite]
Lloyd Christmas : Samsonite! I was way off! I knew it started with an S, though.
[coming out of the 7-11]
Lloyd Christmas : Hey, guys. Whoa, Big Gulps, huh? All right! Well, see you later.
State Trooper : [Harry is driving fast and a cop is behind him and Lloyd] Pull over!
Harry Dunne : What?
State Trooper : Pull over!
Harry Dunne : [realizes he's holding beer bottles that Lloyd urinated in; shows his sweater] No, it's a cardigan, but thanks for noticin'!
Lloyd Christmas : Yeah, killer boots, man!
State Trooper : Pull your vehicle to the side of the road! License and registration, please. You fellas were going a little fast back there, wouldn't you say? You fellas been doing a bit of boozin', have ya? Suckin back on grandpa's old cough medicine?
Harry Dunne : No, sir.
Lloyd Christmas : No.
State Trooper : [points to the beer bottles] Yeah, well what's that?
Harry Dunne : That's nothing, sir.
Lloyd Christmas : Yeah, nothing.
State Trooper : Yeah, well are you aware that it's against the law to have an open alcohol container here in the state of Pennsylvania? Come on, give me that booze, you little pumpkin pie, hair-cutted freak, come on!
[Harry complies; the cop prepares to drink it, not knowing that Lloyd peed in it]
Harry Dunne : Sir, no! Wait, wait, wait!
Lloyd Christmas : No, sir, don't!
State Trooper : You keep your mouth shut if you know it's good for ya, buddy!
[takes a swig, only to realize he just drank urine]
Lloyd Christmas : Tic-Tac, sir?
State Trooper : Get the hell out of here!
[on the verge of gagging]
Lloyd Christmas : Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?
Lloyd Christmas : Husband? Wait a minute. What was all that "one in a million" talk?
Harry Dunne : [shivering] I can't feel my f-fingers anymore, Lloyd. They're-they're numb!
Lloyd Christmas : Maybe you should wear these extra gloves.
Lloyd Christmas : [takes off gloves over another pair of gloves] My hands are starting to get sweaty.
Harry Dunne : Extra gloves? You've had this pair of extra gloves this whole time?
Lloyd Christmas : [obliviously] Yeah, we're in the Rockies!
Harry Dunne : I'm gonna kill you.
Lloyd Christmas : Excuse me, little old lady. Do you have change for a dollar?
Elderly Lady : Change? No I'm sorry, I don't.
Lloyd Christmas : Well, can you do me a favor and watch my stuff here while I go break a dollar?
Elderly Lady : Of course.
Lloyd Christmas : Thanks. Hey, I guess they're right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. I'll be right back. Don't you go dying on me.
Harry Dunne : Where's the booze?
Lloyd Christmas : I got robbed by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart. I didn't even see it coming.
Harry Dunne : Oh, no, no.
Lloyd Christmas : Come on, Harry.
Harry Dunne : It gets worse. My parakeet, Petey.
Lloyd Christmas : Yeah?
Harry Dunne : He's dead.
Lloyd Christmas : Oh, man, I'm sorry. What happened?
Harry Dunne : His head fell off.
Lloyd Christmas : His head fell off?
Harry Dunne : Yeah. He was pretty old.
Harry Dunne : That was genius, Lloyd, sheer genius. I mean where did you come up with a scam like that?
Lloyd Christmas : Saw it in a movie once.
Harry Dunne : That's incredible! So what happened, so the guy tricks some sucker into picking up his tab and gets away with it scott free?
Lloyd Christmas : No, in the movie, they catch up to him half mile down the road and slit his throat!
Harry Dunne : [Stares at Lloyd in disbelief. The speed of the engine increases]
Lloyd Christmas : Ha ha ha! It was a good one.
Lloyd Christmas : What the hell are we doing here, Harry? We gotta get out of this town!
Harry Dunne : Oh yeah, and go where? Where are we gonna go?
Lloyd Christmas : I'll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a little place called Aspen.
Harry Dunne : Oh, I don't know, Lloyd. The French are assholes.
Lloyd Christmas : I want to ask you a question, straight out, flat out, and I want you to give me the honest answer. What do you think the chances are of a guy like you and a girl like me ending up together?
Mary Swanson : Well Lloyd, that's difficult to say. We really don't...
Lloyd Christmas : Hit me with it! Just give it to me straight! I came a long way just to see you Mary, just... The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?
Mary Swanson : Not good.
[the background soundtrack music suddenly stops]
Lloyd Christmas : [he gulps, his mouth twitching] You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?
Mary Swanson : I'd say more like one out of a million.
Lloyd Christmas : [long pause while he processes what he's heard] So you're telling me there's a chance. YEAH!
Harry Dunne : Where did you get those?
Lloyd Christmas : I bought them when we filled up.
Harry Dunne : We are supposed to talk about all expenditures Lloyd! We are on a very tight budget.
Lloyd Christmas : This didn't come out of our travel fund.
Harry Dunne : Oh.
Lloyd Christmas : Yeah, I was able to raise 25 extra bucks before we left.
Harry Dunne : Where did you get 25 extra becks?
Lloyd Christmas : I sold some stuff, to Billy in 4C.
Harry Dunne : The blind kid?
Lloyd Christmas : Yeah! Ha ha!
[Suddenly feels ashamed]
Lloyd Christmas : Yeah.
Harry Dunne : What did you sell him Lloyd?
Lloyd Christmas : Stuff.
Harry Dunne : What kinda stuff?
Lloyd Christmas : I don't know, stuff. A few baseball cards, a sack of marbles,
Lloyd Christmas : Petey.
Harry Dunne : Petey? You sold my dead bird to a blind kid? Lloyd! Petey didn't even have a head!
Lloyd Christmas : Harry, I took care of it...
[cuts to shot of Billy's hands stroking the stiff bird with it's head wrapped in scotch tape]
Billy : Pretty bird. Yes, can you say pretty bird? Pretty bird, yeah pretty bird... Polly want a cracker?
Lloyd Christmas : If I know Mary as well as I think I do, she'll invite us right in for tea and strumpets.
Lloyd Christmas : This isn't my real job, you know.
Mary Swanson : No?
Lloyd Christmas : Nope. My friend Harry and I are saving up to open our own pet store.
Mary Swanson : That's nice.
Lloyd Christmas : I got worms!
Mary Swanson : I beg your pardon?
Lloyd Christmas : That's what we're gonna call it. "I Got Worms!" We're gonna specialize in selling worm farms. You know, like ant farms.
Lloyd Christmas : They got the Monkees. They were a major influence on the Beatles.
Mary Swanson : Okay, how do you guys know each other?
Lloyd Christmas : We used to be best friends.
Harry Dunne : Yeah, till he turned into a back-stabber.
Lloyd Christmas : Me, a back-stabber? You got a lot of nerve. You knew I was crazy about her!
Harry Dunne : Yeah, and you knew I was crazy about Fraida Felcher, and that didn't stop you, did it?
Lloyd Christmas : [gasps] What do you mean?
Harry Dunne : "What do you mean?" Don't deny it, Lloyd. Fraida told me the whole sleazy story, Mr. French Tickler! I guess we both learned a little something about each other today.
Lloyd Christmas : You said it, pal. Maybe we're not as good of friends as we thought. I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart like this, then maybe our friendship isn't worth a damn. Maybe we should call it quits right now.
Harry Dunne : You just tell me where to sign, bud.
Lloyd Christmas : Right on my ass after you kiss it!
Harry Dunne : Kiss it! You kiss mine! Both cheeks, both lips! Right here! Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!
Lloyd Christmas : I'm only human, Harry! Come on! Stop being a baby. So we backtracked a tad.
Harry Dunne : A tad? A tad, Lloyd? You drove almost a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction! Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen, we don't have enough money to get home, we don't have enough money to eat, we don't have enough money to sleep!
Lloyd Christmas : Well, it's not gonna do us any good sitting here whining about it. We're in a hole. We're just going to have to dig ourselves out.
Lloyd Christmas : [Harry is choking him barehanded on a picnic table in Aspen] Harry, your hands are freezing!
Harry Dunne : What's with the briefcase?
Lloyd Christmas : It's a love memento. The most beautiful woman alive. I drove her to the airport. Sparks flew. Emotions ran high. She actually talked to me, man.
Harry Dunne : [flabbergasted] Get outta here.
Lloyd Christmas : Oh, yeah. Tractor beam.
Lloyd Christmas : [imitates beam noise]
Lloyd Christmas : Sucked me right in. Anyway, she left this in the terminal and flew to Aspen and outta my life.
Harry Dunne : What's in it?
Lloyd Christmas : Man. I would have to be a lowlife to go routin' around in somebody else's private property.
Harry Dunne : Is it locked?
Lloyd Christmas : Yeah, really well.
[while looking back at Mary]
Lloyd Christmas : There's really nothing to worry about Mary. Statistically, they say you're more likely to get killed on the way to the airport. You know, like on a head on crash or flying off a cliff or getting trapped under a gas truck! That's the worst! I have this cousin, well y'know, I had this cousin...
[Lloyd drives right through a red light, causing a fatal accident visible in the window]
Mary Swanson : Uh, Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road please?
Lloyd Christmas : Oh, yeah! Good thinking. You can't be too careful. There are a lot of bad drivers out there.
Lloyd Christmas : I get 70 miles to the gallon on this hog.
Lloyd Christmas : Listen, Mr. Samsonite, about the briefcase, my friend Harry and I have every intention of fully reimbursing you.
Nicholas Andre : Open it up. Open it up!
Lloyd Christmas : [Motioning to Mary] Go ahead, open it up. Do what he says. Hurry.
Nicholas Andre : What is this? What is this? Where's all the money?
Lloyd Christmas : That's as good as money, sir. Those are I.O.U.'s. Go ahead and add it up, every cent's accounted for. Look, see this? That's a car. 275 thou. Might wanna hang onto that one.
Lloyd Christmas : I said, "Do you love me?" and she said, "No, but that's a really nice ski mask."
Lloyd Christmas : [after Harry saves his life] Harry, you're alive. And a horrible shot!
Lloyd Christmas : [while telling Harry what to tell Mary about himself] Tell her I'm rich, and I'm good looking, and I have, uh, a rapist's wit.
Lloyd Christmas : Boy, this party really died.
Lloyd Christmas : Suck me sideways.
Lloyd Christmas : [Lloyd and Harry stop to pick up Joe Mentalino, who is there to kill them] We don't usually pick up hitchhikers. But I'm-a gonna go with my instincts on this one. Saddle up, partner!
Lloyd Christmas : Excuse me. Could you tell me how to get to the medical school? I'm supposed to be giving a lecture in 20 minutes, and my driver's a bit lost.
Lloyd Christmas : [Opening the door on Nicholas Andre, who he thinks is a hotel employee] We have plenty of towels - thanks!
Harry Dunne : Would you like an atomic pepper, Mr. Mentalino?
Joe Mentalino : Nah, you guys go ahead.
Harry Dunne : I'll do it if you will, Lloyd.
Lloyd Christmas : Okay. You go first.
Harry Dunne : No no. You go first.
Lloyd Christmas : You go first.
Harry Dunne : You go first! I always go first!
Lloyd Christmas : You go first!
Joe Mentalino : Why don't you guys both stop acting like a couple of pussies and go at the same time, huh?
Lloyd Christmas : That sounds like a dare, Har.
Joe Mentalino : It's a *double* dare!
Harry Dunne : Yeah, okay. You're on!
Lloyd Christmas : All we need to do is show a little class, a little sophistication, and we're in like a dirty shirt.
Harry Dunne : No problem, Lloyd. We can be classy and sophistic... Oh, check out the funbags on that hosehound.
Lloyd Christmas : I'd like to eat her liver with some fava beans and a nice bottle of Chianti.
Lloyd Christmas : [to Harry] How about you go over and introduce yourself, build me up, that way I don't have to brag about myself later.
Lloyd Christmas : [after getting off the moped with Harry frozen to his back] Got a little nippy going through the pass, huh, Har?
Lloyd Christmas : This is the life... cold beer, a hot tub and paper-thin walls. There's only one thing that could make this moment any better.
Harry Dunne : What's that?
Lloyd Christmas : If you had a nice set of knockers.
Harry Dunne : That's two things, Lloyd.
Lloyd Christmas : Yeah, well, it's a good thing you're not stacked, Harry, or I'd be banging you right now. I'd show you what a real man can do. Split you like an old piece of firewood. You'd probably like it too, you big homo.
Harry Dunne : Shut up.
Lloyd Christmas : Don't tell me to shut up, woman.
Lloyd Christmas : Mary Christmas. Mrs. Mary Christmas. Kinda catchy, huh, Harr?
Harry Dunne : Yeah yeah, that sounds nice. But, Lloyd, don't you think you might be jumping the gun a little bit? I mean, you know, who knows? You know, maybe, once you get to know her you'll find out that she's not your type.
Lloyd Christmas : [stern voice] Hey! Don't you ever say that again! She is the love of my life! The blood in my veins! We belong together till the mountains fall into the sea, till the heavens collide! Or until I get sick of her and need to move on. You hear me?
Harry Dunne : Okay, okay, okay, okay. Just calm down. Just calm down.
Joe Mentalino : So why are you guys going to Aspen? Vacation?
Lloyd Christmas : [Lloyd and Harry just sabotaged his burger with atomic peppers and are snickering] Why don't you eat up, and we'll tell ya.
Joe Mentalino : It just doesn't seem like you packed match. All I saw was one bag and a briefcase.
Harry Dunne : Well, no, no. The briefcase isn't even ours. Some lady left it at that airport. We're just bring it back to her. How's your burger?
Joe Mentalino : You mean, you don't even know her? I mean talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
[Harry and Lloyd hear a knock on their door and look through the peephole]
Harry Dunne : [whispering] There's two of 'em. One of 'em's got a gun.
Lloyd Christmas : [suspiciously] Did you pay the gas bill?
[Harry realizes he didn't, Lloyd grabs Harry's face]
Lloyd Christmas : Do you realize what you've done?
Lloyd Christmas : Let me ask you something. Do you want to end up like Petey? Dead? In some flea-ridden apartment? Face down in your own droppings? A soggy sunflower seed pressed against your beak? Come on, Harry! Don't you see what Petey was trying to say to you? You got to take life by the balls! Chew it up and spit it out! Dance to the tune of a different drummer! Spread your wings and fly and run and jump! God, help me!
Harry Dunne : I don't know if I got that from his death, Lloyd. I think his head just fell off.
Lloyd Christmas : Whatever!
Lloyd Christmas : [as he leaves a convenience store, Lloyd encounters two black guys] Hey, guys. Oh, Big Gulps, huh? All right... Well, see you later!
[Joe Mentalino is having an ulcer attack]
Lloyd Christmas : He's resisting me!
Harry Dunne : Here.
[puts some pills in Mentalino's mouth]
Harry Dunne : Here you go. Here you go. Here you go.
Lloyd Christmas : Pills! Pills are good! Pills are good!
Harry Dunne : Drink 'em down. There you go. There you go, big guy. You want some ketchup and mustard? That helped us.
[Mentalino sees the rat poison bottle]
Joe Mentalino : Son of a bitch!
[stomach gurgles and he dies]
Lloyd Christmas : Check, please.
Lloyd Christmas : I can't stop once I stop going Harry! It stings...
Harry Dunne : Weirdo.
Lloyd Christmas : Sucker of big, brown dirty eggs.
Harry Dunne : Idiot.
Lloyd Christmas : Fried teeth-licker of salmon fried fish!
Harry Dunne : Moron.
Lloyd Christmas : Raider of the Lost Fart!
Harry Dunne : Rump roast.
Lloyd Christmas : Licker of dirty chicken butts.
Harry Dunne : Buttfish.
Lloyd Christmas : Masterbatorio... er, soiler of towels.
Nicholas Andre : SHUT UP!
Lloyd Christmas : You spilled the salt, that's what's the matter! Spilling the salt is very bad luck! We're driving across the country, the last thing we need is bad luck. Quick, toss some salt over your right shoulder.
Harry Dunne : [Tosses the entire salt shaker over his shoulder]
Sea Bass : What the hell? Who's the dead man that hit me with the salt shaker?
Lloyd Christmas : Some people just aren't cut out for life on the road.