The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990–1996)
James Avery: Philip Banks, Himself
[Will's father came back into town, and then lied to Will about being around more and left. Phillip is trying to comfort him]
Will : Hey, you no what, you ain't got to do nothing, Uncle Phil. You know, ain't like I'm still five years old, you know? Ain't like I'm gonna be sitting every night asking my mom 'when's daddy coming home?' You know? Who needs him? Hey, he wasn't there to teach me how to shoot my first basket, but I learned it, didn't I? And I got pretty damn good at it too, didn't I, Uncle Phil?
Phillip Banks : Yeah, you did.
Will : Got to do my first date without him, right? I learned how to ride, I learned how to shave, I learned how to fight without him. I had *fourteen* great birthdays without him; he never even sent me a damn card. The hell with him!
Will : I didn't need him then, I won't need him now.
Phillip Banks : Will...
Will : No, you know what, Uncle Phil? I'm gonna get through college without him, I'm gonna get a great job without him, I'm gonna marry me a beautiful honey and I'm having a whole bunch of kids. I'm gonna be a better father than he ever was. And I sure as hell don't need him for that, 'cause there ain't a damn thing he can teach me about how to love my kids!
[long pause; he's crying]
Will : How come he don't want me, man?
Phillip Banks : Will, going to college isn't just about finding a job. It's about finding yourself, and finding what you do best that makes a contribution to the community. It shouldn't be just about money.
Will : You really believe that, Uncle Phil?
Phillip Banks : Yes, son, I really do.
Will : Then how do you explain becoming a lawyer?
Phillip Banks : [Phillip and Dr. Hoover are in a fight] Dr. Hoover, the school where you got your degree, did you find it on the back of a matchbook?
Dr. Hoover : Penn State, my brother.
Phillip Banks : Really? Good school. I was thinking of going there if my scholarship to Princeton, Yale, Warton, and Talladega Tech had fallen through!
Dr. Hoover : Impressive, you must of been quite an athlete in your thinner days.
Phillip Banks : Hey, hey, lets stick to the topic okay?
Dr. Hoover : Fine. Speaking as a doctor, I think your daughter should be heavily sedated and immediately institutionalized.
Phillip Banks : Well speaking as a lawyer, I can only say that your daughter fits the criminal profile to a T, right down to the sloping forehead, and the wide jaws suitable for grains and small rodents!
Dr. Hoover : I think you have her confused with your moma!
Will : [Phillip punches Dr. Hoover and knocks him down] That's it Uncle Phil, your grounded!
[to Dr. Hoover]
Will : You know, I'd be happy to perscribe something for that.
Will : [about the house] Yo, this is better than Love Boat! This boy gonna be maxing and relaxing.
Phillip Banks : Hold on just a minute, son. We promised your mother that you're here to work hard, straighten out and learn some good old-fashioned American values...
Hilary : [walks in] Dad, I need $300!
Geoffrey : [handing Carlton a big brown bag] Master Carlton, I have to take this tray up to your mother, so on your way out, would you mind taking out the garbage?
Carlton : Do I look like Roc?
Will : [sitting at the kitchen table] I don't know, Carlton. Maybe if you shaved your head bald and sanded down the square part.
Carlton : [ignores Will and hands Ashley the bag] Ashley, you take out the garbage!
Ashley Banks : Why me?
Carlton : Because I'm bigger than you.
Will : See, that's not fair. That's only 'cause you got them shoe lifts in today.
Carlton : They're not lifts. I doubled up on my Odor-Eaters.
Ashley Banks : [Carlton walks out of the kitchen while Ashley is holding the trash bag; Hilary walks into the kitchen and Ashley hands her the bag] Here, Hilary, you take it out!
Hilary : Out where?
Ashley Banks : To the trash cans! You know, those things you hit every time you back out the car?
Hilary : Oh, thank God. I thought it was the neighbor's kids!
[Hilary takes the brown garbage bag from Ashley]
Hilary : THIS IS GROSS! I don't touch greasy, disgusting things!
Will : Well, just pretend it's buying you dinner afterwards.
Hilary : [Hilary walks up to Will and shoves the trash bag to him] You take it!
Will : Yo, girl!
Hilary : And for your information, dinner comes first!
[Hilary walks out of the kitchen]
Will : Oh, it's like that, right? You're just gonna slam garbage at me!
[Uncle Phil walks in the room]
Phillip Banks : Good morning, Will.
Will : Good morning, Uncle Phil.
[Will hands Phil the dirty garbage bag]
Will : Here's your lunch!
Phillip Banks : [Phil takes the bag and walk out of the house] Thank you!
Phillip Banks : Hit the road, you little tramp!
Vivian Banks : [stressed out from being pregnant] I can't do this anymore.
Will : Look, me neither! I mean, getting woke up in the middle of the night by a naked man running around the house!
Geoffrey : I'm sorry! I thought you were all asleep!
Will : Not you, G...
Geoffrey : Oh, never mind!
Vivian Banks : Look, now, everybody calm down. False alarms happen all the time.
Will : But Uncle Phil was *naked* Aunt Viv!
Phillip Banks : [annoyed] Shut up, Will!
Will : [rejecting Phil's gift] I- I can't take this, Uncle Phil. I, um- There's something I need to tell you.
Philip Banks : What is it?
Will : [nervously] Those pills that Carlton took... um, they- they were from my locker.
Philip Banks : [shocked] What?
Will : [stammers] Uncle Phil, I was keeping them in case I needed them...
Philip Banks : How could you be so stupid? You know you shouldn't be messing with drugs!
Will : [stutters nervously] I know, Uncle Phil! Somebody gave them to me at school. I didn't mean for Carlton to take them. I mean, I didn't even know if *I* was gonna take them!
Will : I'm sorry, Uncle Phil...
Philip Banks : [angrily cuts him off] Sorry?
[he walks up to Will]
Philip Banks : My son could have died because of you!
Will : Look, I know Uncle Phil. That's all I've been thinking about! B-but you gotta believe me, Uncle Phil, I didn't mean to hurt him...
Philip Banks : Yeah, well, you did! You hurt him, and you could have hurt yourself!
Phillip Banks : [about Will] Did you see the way he was dressed?
Vivian Banks : What's wrong with it?
Phillip Banks : You hear that language?
Vivian Banks : We used slang when we were kids! Do you remember our first date? You took one look at me and said, "That is a *bad* dress!" You could've just said it was a good dress.
Phillip Banks : I could have, if I liked it. Actually, it *was* a *bad* dress!
Jazz : Happy birthday, Mr Banks! Heard you had quite a soirez last night. That's French for shindig.
Phillip Banks : What's French for 'unwelcome guest'?
Jazz : [handing him a gift] Brought this for you.
Jazz : [takes it, touched] They're false teeth.
Jazz : [Philip is slightly offended] They were my grandma's. She don't need them no more.
Jazz : [Philip drops it in disgust and stares up at him] I know that look.
Jazz : [Philip stands up] You're not getting any younger.
Jazz : [Philip grabs him] This isn't good for your back.
Jazz : [to Will] I brought this on myself.
Jazz : [cut to the front of the house and Jazz is thrown out] AAAHHH!
Will : Man, Uncle Phil, you beat your own record by like ten feet!