Press Gang (1989–1993)
Dexter Fletcher: Spike Thomson, Young James Thomson
[Julie wants Spike to go undercover on a date for an exclusive interview]
Julie : ...He'd be, well, seducing her.
Spike : Yeah, but I'd only be doing it so I could nail her... I mean pin her down... Look, this could be a big story for us; All Julie's suggesting is, if I can get this woman relaxed by candlelight, maybe, just maybe, I could loosen her tongue.
[Lynda slaps Spike]
[Entering a room]
Spike : Girls please, tongues in.
Spike : Lynda, I still need help with this form.
Lynda : Look you can read can't you?
Spike : Until my finger gets sore.
Lynda : And you can write.
Spike : Right, I can do that backwards, but I'm getting help for that.
Lynda : Spike this is getting boring. Is there anything you don't joke about?
Spike : Sure.
Lynda : What?
Spike : Nothing.
Spike : I was joking. Fun isn't it?
Lynda : I've had more fun with a pencil stuck in my eye.
Spike : You think we're becoming friends here? I think I feel a spark.
Lynda : Spike.
Spike : So how long before we start going out with each other?
Lynda : What?
Spike : Because I want to know something straight.
Lynda : About what?
Spike : When I dump you - you want a letter, or should I just stop phoning?
Colin : Ruby Grogan, Spike. Just stay away from her.
Spike : Don't tell me, you've fallen in love again, and you haven't gotten around to telling the lady yet. Ethel Stuttgart two right?
Colin : I'm warning you Spike, just stay away from her.
Spike : I'm trying to! And what are you going to do if I don't?
Colin : Spike, I don't want to get violent.
Spike : [pushes Colin] Violent?
Colin : Well, rude.
Spike : [pushes Colin again] Rude?
Colin : Well a bit off hand certainly.
[Spike grabs Colin by his shirt]
Colin : Well more kind of reserved, you know, distantly. A kind of polite.
Spike : So if I don't stay away from Ruby, you're gonna get polite with me?
Colin : Yeah!
[Spike lets go]
Colin : And that's just for starters!
Lynda : Don't you think you've got something to say to me?
Spike : Suddenly, she stood before him. Their eyes met. Especially hers. Y'know, you really ought to do something about that squint.
Lynda : I don't have a squint!
Spike : Oh no! Must be me!
Kenny : Here we go!
Tiddler : Yep
Lynda : So what made you come in tonight? Don't tell me you were frightened of little old me?
Spike : You know, if you did have a squint, it might actually improve your appearance.
Lynda : If I had a squint, it would certainly improve yours.
Spike : Oh, were you being funny there? I've heard rumours about you doing this.
Lynda : I've a sense of humour, same as anyone!
Spike : Yeah, you told me once, but I thought you were joking!
Lynda : That's probably because I always laugh when I look at you!
Spike : Ha! You laugh? We'd have to use electrodes!
Lynda : Yeah, on you!
Kenny : Look, can we just stop this, please?
Spike : Tell her, she's the one that needs relaxing!
Lynda : I'm perfectly relaxed!
Spike : You're so uptight, your feet don't reach the ground!
[Lynda looks down]
Spike : Made you look!
Spike : I mean, what's life if you can't look yourself in the eye and say, "Hey! I used to have two of those!"
Spike Thomson : I looked in the mirror this morning, I was looking so great, it just gave up.
Lynda : Ruby Grogan?
Ruby : Yes?
Lynda : Sorry, but Spike won't be coming in today.
Ruby : Oh?
Lynda : He's a bit off color. Well, parts of him. It's his rash again.
Ruby : His what?
Lynda : It's horribly inflamed.
Ruby : Inflamed?
Lynda : Horribly, yes. Well you know how it is when his sores start up.
Ruby : Well, should I go and see him?
Lynda : What, actually look at him you mean? Oh no, I wouldn't advise that. Anyway, it's contagious.
Ruby : It is?
Lynda : Very. You haven't been touching anything of his have you?
Ruby : Well I sat in his chair...
Lynda : You'll be alright, I know you will.
[Pushes Ruby out the door of the newsroom, then knocks on the bathroom door. Spike comes out]
Spike : You told her I was busy?
Lynda : Yes.
Spike : Thanks.