The Kids in the Hall (1988–1994)
Kevin McDonald: Various Characters
Guy #1 : I know it's a clichÈ, but my favorite album of all time is still "Sgt. Pepper's."
Guy #2 : "Sgt. Pepper's"? What's that?
Guy #1 : Only the Beatles' most famous album!
Guy #2 : I'm sorry, the Beatles? Who are they?
Guy #1 : The best group of the sixties!
Guy #2 : Oh, the sixties. I didn't hear much music in the sixties.
Guy #1 : What are you talking about?
Guy #2 : Well, dad always was a little crazy. After the car accident he started medication and things got worse. One night he woke me up and knocked me out. He brought me down to the basement where I lived for the next ten years. I heard no music, I had no friends. They shoved food under the door so I had to eat pancakes and pizza. It was awful, but I survived.
Guy #1 : Gee, I'm sorry. I, uh, didn't know.
Guy #2 : Of course I've heard of the Beatles, you retard!
Man #1 : So it was a good movie. It wasn't a great movie, but how often do you see a great movie?
Man #2 : Oh, I saw a great movie last night. Yeah, it was on the late show. It was... um... uh... uh... oh, what was it called? It's a classic. It's... um... uh... oh, I hate this! I hate it when this happens!
Man #1 : Well, what was it about?
Man #2 : Uh, it's about this newspaper tycoon and he's dead and everybody's telling stories about him and...
Man #1 : It's "Citizen Kane."
Man #2 : No, that's not it. No, no, no, no. But it's something like that. It's uh... it's um...
Man #1 : Okay, who was in it?
Man #2 : Orson Welles is in it. And it's called...
Man #1 : Then this is "Citizen Kane." It's "Citizen Kane."
Man #2 : No, that isn't it. That's isn't it, but you're not far from it. It's uh...
Man #1 : Well, who else was in it?
Man #2 : Uh... I don't know.
Man #1 : Was Joseph Cotten in it?
Man #2 : What else has he been in?
Man #1 : "The Third Man," "The Magnificent Ambersons"...
Man #2 : Oh, "The Magnificent Ambersons!" Yes! Yes, yes, he was in it! Yes! Oh, that's one of my favorite Orson Welles movies!
Man #1 : Well, this is definitely "Citizen Kane," then. You're talking about "Citizen Kane."
Man #2 : No... no, no. But it's... it's something like that.
Kevin : Hi, I'm Kevin McDonald. Or, as you might know me at home, "the Kid in the Hall we don't like."
Dave : Well, this is the place I've been telling you about.
Kevin : Yeah, it's really nice. So, what do you eat when you come here?
Dave : Well, I'll tell ya. If you're gonna eat here, you've got to try the Shitty Soup.
Kevin : Shitty Soup?
Dave : Oh yeah, everyone that comes here has the Shitty Soup.
Kevin : It doesn't sound that great.
Dave : Oh, it's not, it's awful. That's why they call it "shitty."
Captain : [a ship that should be in the South Pacific is in the North Atlantic] How did we end up here, Mr. Navigator?
Navigator : I don't know, sir.
Captain : You're not a very good navigator, are you?
Navigator : No, I'm not, sir.
Captain : Then how did you get this job?
Navigator : You liked my hair, sir.
Captain : Ah, yes.
Sir Simon Milligan : Let me guess, this is... Jed?
Hecubus : No. No. This is Julio. AAAI-YI-YI-YIIIIIII.
Sir Simon Milligan : Now we're cooking with EVIL gas. Now Julio, how long have you been in the brain, may I ask?
Hecubus : I have... okay I can't take it - it's still Fred. I got you. I got you good. Hahaha.
Sir Simon Milligan : ...eeevil.
Sir Simon Milligan : And now, the sleep of ages! Saba, lava, kuti! Hecubus, are you sleeping?
Hecubus : [very monotone] Yes, Master.
Sir Simon Milligan : [to audience] If Hecubus is sleeping, how could he answer me? Maybe because... he lied? Dirty dirty liar! Evil evil white boy! He lied, he lied, he lied, he lied, he lied, he lied, he lied!
Buddy Holly : Oh, there's the Big Bopper, the diarrhea king himself!
Tarantula : [the other Tarantula gets trodden on] Fran? FRAN? REVENGE!
Einstein : So, good day for painting the fence?
Dave : Oh yeah? You think so Einstein? You work that all out for yourself? Think you're a big man, Einstein?
Einstein : Look, not everything that comes out of my mouth is going to be the Theory of Relativity.
Dave : Oh, thanks Einstein. That's something I never could have worked out. Go on, get out of it, Einstein.
Einstein : [walking away, to self] Don't let him get to you. He's just a guy painting a fence, and you're Einstein.
Cool Substitute Teacher : But I'm just a man, I'm human!
Class : Yeah!
Cool Substitute Teacher : I've smoked pot!
Class : Yeah!
Cool Substitute Teacher : I've tried Heroine!
Class : [uncertain] Yeah!
Cool Substitute Teacher : A few times, yes, and you know, what I'm really, really trying to do now... is cut down on the number of times I... try heroine... in a day! You know what? I'm going to get under my desk for a while. You all listen to this Rock Music. Did you know Rock Lyrics are just poetry set to Music? It's valid! Cathy, I want to talk to you for a moment, it may be related to your grades...
Cathy : Well, if it's about my grades...
Kevin : This is bullshit, Theo!
Cool Substitute Teacher : Yeah, shut up.
Kevin : We're going to have to let you go. You're a girl-drink drunk! I can't help feeling responsible, but then I can't help not caring either. Now get out of here before you start throwing up... little fruity things!
Dave : Okay, but I'll tell you something. You're not the only Cardboard Packaging Company in town!
Kevin : Yes we are, Dave.
Dave : Oh. Oh, well then...
Defendant : The jury! It's made up entirely of my ex-girlfriends.
Lawyer : Oh God.
Defendant : I mean, when they were selected, didn't you think to ask them "Were you ever fucked over by the Accused"?
Lawyer : No, how could I know?
Judge : All rise. The Accused is charged with being an asshole on more than one occasion. How do you plead?
Lawyer : Guilty, your Honour.
Defendant : But with various good excuses. No, really!
Trapper 1 : [hunting Executives for their suits] We have to be careful not to deplete the stock, Francois. We don't want to make the same mistake we made with the Beaver!
Trapper 2 : Oh, the Beaver! Where were our heads?
Trapper 1 : We've got to learn to think long term.
Trapper 2 : We got to learn to think "Where were our heads?"
Space Emperor : No, no-one has complained! Anyone who would've wanted to complain has been blown up! Do you see the problem?
Kevin : Remember: finking is good and drugs are bad! I read 1984 when I was young, agreed with most of Big Brother's theories and thought he got a bum rap...
Kevin : Daddy was a Salesman. Oh Daddy COULD DRINK!
Daddy : Aw thanks for the present, son! I don't deserve this! I don't deserve anything really... Tap shoes! I don't know how to dance! I can't dance! Ya little bastard!
Kevin : [caught drinking] Oh, I don't really drink, I'm more of a Social Drinker, can't call this drinking...
Kevin : It's alright, my Beard is just on too tight.
One Night Stand : No, that could never happen. You're a liar. Men are such liars.
Boss : Alright, I'm a liar, I'll dial his number, you say "Goodnight!" and see what happens.
[Phone Rings, he hands it over]
Boss : Just say "Goodnight!"
One Night Stand : Goodnight! Ha-ha-ha!
Boss : What happened?
One Night Stand : He hung up! I guess you were right!
Boss : Ha-ha-ha!
One Night Stand : [Suddenly serious] I find a sense of humour so sexy!
Boss : I find you... so funny.
[Leans in, and they both fall asleep]
Kevin : What a terrible anecdote. Thank God I've got this food to eat.
Kevin : FEELYAT!
Mark : I'm crushing your head, I'm crushing your head. Hang on.
Kevin : I'm Pinching your Face! I'm Pinching your Face!
Mark : What's this? What are you doing?
Kevin : I'm Pinching Faces! It's a game with people that, thankyou, I invented!
Mark : I know what you're doing, and you're doing it on my turf!
Kevin : Wait a minute! I'm setting myself up for an ironic tragedy...
Alien Spy : Well I'm not trying to win any popularity competitions.
Space Emperor : Oh, you haven't! You haven't! As a matter of fact, yes, you're a dead last on my popularity list!