The New Statesman (1987–1994)
Michael Troughton: Piers Fletcher-Dervish
[Alan's Mother has turned up, dressed as a tramp, and asking to live with him and Sarah]
Alan : Alright, Mother, you can stay. You can live with us till the day you die, or next Sunday, whichever's soonest.
Alan's Mother : Did you hear that? Veiled threats, Sir Piers! I'm frightened to go home with him now, in case he murders me.
Piers : Oh, surely not!
Alan's Mother : He tried before, when he was seven.
Alan : I told the police at the time, I left that roller skate at the top of the stairs by accident.
Alan's Mother : What about the bath of acid at the bottom of the stairs?
[Piers is helping Alan's mother with the washing up]
Piers : Don't worry, Mrs B'stard, he *is* in the Royal Navy. He must be used to getting cream down his trousers.