Planes, Trains & Automobiles (1987)
Steve Martin: Neal Page
Car Rental Agent : [cheerfully] Welcome to Marathon, may I help you?
Neal : Yes.
Car Rental Agent : How may I help you?
Neal : You can start by wiping that fucking dumb-ass smile off your rosy fucking cheeks! And you can give me a fucking automobile: a fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick! Four fucking wheels and a seat!
Car Rental Agent : I really don't care for the way you're speaking to me.
Neal : And I really don't care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn't fucking there. And I really didn't care to fucking walk down a fucking highway, and across a fucking runway to get back here to have you smile in my fucking face. I want a fucking car... right... fucking... now.
Car Rental Agent : May I see your rental agreement?
Neal : I threw it away.
Car Rental Agent : Oh boy.
Neal : Oh boy, what?
Car Rental Agent : You're fucked.
Neal : You know everything is not an anecdote. You have to discriminate. You choose things that are funny or mildly amusing or interesting. You're a miracle! Your stories have NONE of that. They're not even amusing ACCIDENTALLY! "Honey, I'd like you to meet Del Griffith, he's got some amusing anecodotes for you. Oh and here's a gun so you can blow your brains out. You'll thank me for it." I could tolerate any insurance seminar. For days I could sit there and listen to them go on and on with a big smile on my face. They'd say, "How can you stand it?" I'd say, "'Cause I've been with Del Griffith. I can take ANYTHING." You know what they'd say? They'd say, "I know what you mean. The shower curtain ring guy. Woah." It's like going on a date with a Chatty Cathy doll. I expect you have a little string on your chest, you know, that I pull out and have to snap back. Except I wouldn't pull it out and snap it back - you would. Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! And by the way, you know, when you're telling these little stories? Here's a good idea - have a POINT. It makes it SO much more interesting for the listener!
Del : You play with your balls a lot.
Neal : I do NOT play with my balls.
Del : Larry Bird doesn't do as much ball-handling in one night as you do in an hour!
Neal : Are you trying to start a fight?
Del : No. I'm simply stating a fact. That's all. You fidget with your nuts a lot.
Neal : You know what'd make me happy?
Del : Another couple of balls, and an extra set of fingers?
Cab Dispatcher : Where are you going?
Neal : Chicago.
Cab Dispatcher : Chicago?
Neal : Yeah, Chicago.
Cab Dispatcher : You know you're in St. Louis?
Neal : Yes I do.
Cab Dispatcher : Why don't you try the airlines? It's faster and you get a free meal.
Neal : If I wanted a joke, I'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak. Now are you gonna help me or are you gonna stand there like a slab of meat with mittens?
[the cab dispatcher punches him in the face]
Neal : What's the flight situation?
Del : Simple. There's no way on earth we're going to get out of here tonight. We'd have more luck playing pickup sticks with our butt-cheeks than we will getting a flight out of here before daybreak.
Neal : I guess we'll find out soon enough.
Del : Yeah, but by the time the airline cancels this flight, which they will sooner or later, you'd have more of a chance to find a three-legged ballerina than you would a hotel room.
Neal : Are you saying I could be *stuck* in Wichita?
Del : I'm saying you *are* stuck in Wichita.
Del : I know you don't I? I'm usually very good with names but I'll be damned if I haven't forgotten yours.
Neal : You stole my cab.
Del : I never stole anything in my life.
Neal : I hailed a cab on Park Avenue this afternoon and before I could get in it. You stole it.
Del : You're the guy who tried to get my cab. I knew I knew you! You scared the bejesus out of me. Come to think of it it was easy to get a cab during rush hour.
Neal : Forget it.
Del : I can't forget it. I am sorry. I had no idea it was your cab. Let me make it up to you. How about a nice hot dog and a beer.
Neal : No thanks.
Del : Just a hot dog then.
Neal : I'm kinda picky about what I eat.
Del : Some coffee?
Neal : No.
Del : Milk?
Neal : No.
[becoming more annoyed]
Del : Soda?
Neal : No.
Del : Tea?
Neal : No
Del : LifeSavers?
Neal : No.
Del : Slurpee?
Neal : Sir - please.
Del : Just let me know. I'm here.
[smiles, shaking his finger at Neal]
Del : I knew I knew ya!
Neal : Eh, look, I don't want to be rude, but I'm not much of a conversationalist, and I really want to finish this article, a friend of mine wrote it, so...
Del : Don't let me stand in your way, please don't let me stand in your way. The last thing I want to be remembered as is an annoying blabbermouth... You know, nothing grinds my gears worse than some chowderhead that doesn't know when to keep his big trap shut... If you catch me running off with my mouth, just give me a poke on the chubbs...
[Neal and Del are watching their car burning and laughing]
Neal : How could you rent the thing without a credit card anyway? I mean you could but how could you?
Del : Oh I gave this gal behind the counter a set of shower curtain rings.
Neal : You can't rent a car with shower curtain rings Del.
Del : [Stops laughing] Well... your diner's club card wound up in my wallet and I just...
Neal : You STOLE it!
Del : Not exactly.
Neal : You stole it! I knew you stole it. You stole the card and then you rented a car and you burned it up! I knew you stole it.
Del : No I didn't! I found it in my wallet! I thought maybe you put it there.
Neal : WHY WOULD I PUT IT THERE?
Del : Kindness.
Neal : KINDNESS! KINDNESS! You stole it! He stole it!
Del : No I didn't. I was going to send you the card back. With whatever the rental car charge was. Plus interest. But you didn't give me your address. You just ditched me! I had no cards. I had no money. I had nothing!
Neal : [Grabs Del] Give it back!
Del : I can't!
Neal : Why not?
Del : Because!
Neal : Because why?
Del : Because when we stopped to gas up. I put the card in your wallet.
[Neal's wallet is in the glove compartment in the now burning car]
Del : You're not mad at me are you?
Neal : [Punches Del in the stomach and trips over his trunk]
[at breakfast Neal finds his wallet empty and gives Del a mean look]
Del : What?
Neal : You know goddamn well what!
Del : I'm sorry I don't
Neal : I had over 700 dollars in here.
Del : I didn't touch your dough Neal. I'm a lot of things but I'm not a thief.
Neal : Well you went into my stuff last night right?
Del : I didn't take your money! and I don't care for the accusation.
Neal : Well I had over 700 dollars in here and you went into my wallet for pizza. Just maybe when you went into my stuff you had to...
Del : [Places his wallet on the table] Count it!
Neal : Oh like you keep it in there if you stole it.
Del : There's 263 dollars in there. If there's a dollar more then you can call me a thief. Just count it.
Neal : [finds Del's wallet empty as wel] Empty.
Del : WHAT?
[Looks thru his wallet]
Del : We were robbed!
Neal : [Sarcastically] Do you think so?
Del : When I'm dead and buried, all I'll leave behind are some shower curtain rings that didn't fall down. Some legacy, huh?
Neal : At the very least, the absolute minimum, you'll have a woman you love to grow old with. You love her, don't you?
Del : Love... is not a big enough word. It's not a big enough word for how I feel about my wife.
Del : You know I had a feeling that when we parted ways. We would somehow wind up back together again. I've never seen a guy get picked up by his testicles before. Lucky thing for you that cop passed by when he did. Otherwise, you'd be lifting up your schnutz to tie you shoes. I'm sorry. That's terrible. Do you have any idea how glad I am I didn't kill you?
Neal : [high voice] Do you have any idea how glad I'd be if you had?
Del : Oh, come on, pal, you don't mean that. Remember what I said about going with the flow?
Neal : How am I supposed to go with the flow when the rental car agency leaves me in a 100 acre parking lot with keys to a car that isn't there then I have to hike back 3 miles to find out they don't have any more cars?
Del : I got a car, no sweat at all.
Neal : Well Del, you're a charmed man.
Del : Nope.
Neal : Oh, I know. You just go with the flow.
Del : Like a twig on the shoulders of a mighty stream.
Neal : Sir?... Sir?... Sir?
[runs to man]
Neal : Excuse me. I know this is your cab, but I'm desperately late for a plane, and I was wondering if I could appeal to your good nature and ask you to let me have it.
New York Lawyer : I don't have a good nature. Excuse me. Cabbie, come on.
Neal : I'll offer you 10 dollars for it.
New York Lawyer : [scoffs] Nuh!
Neal : Okay, 20! I'll give you 20 dollars.
New York Lawyer : I'll take 50.
Neal : [Neal pauses, then begins to take money out] All right.
New York Lawyer : Anyone who'd pay 50 dollars for a cab, would certainly pay 75.
Neal : Not necessarily...
Neal : All right. $75. You're a thief!
New York Lawyer : Close, I'm an attorney.
Neal : Have a happy holiday.
New York Lawyer : This'll help!
Del : [sitting outside the motel cafe after finding out they've been robbed] You know I've been thinking. What we're dealing with here is a small-time crook. He didn't take the credit cards, right? So we charge our way home. What kind of plastic do you carry?
Neal : I have a Visa and a gasoline card. Oh, and I have a Neiman Marcus card in case you want to send someone a gift. What do you have?
Del : Chalmer's Big and Tall men's shop. It's a seven outlet chain in the pacific northwest. Great stuff. Unfortunately, it does us no good here.
Cab Dispatcher : Hey! Get your car out of here!
Del : Yeah, just one sec.
Cab Dispatcher : GET IT OUT OF HERE!
Del : What is your problem? You insensitive asshole! Can't you see we have an injured man down here? Now I'll move my car, but I want you to help him up!
Neal : No!
Cab Dispatcher : [pulls gloves up] My pleasure.
[grabs Neal by his testicles]
Neal : Oh!
Del : How about your bun?
Neal : No, no it's too hard.
Del : Sure?
Del : [Del tries to get the old man's attention] Sir? Excuse me. Would you like a bun?
Man on plane : [the man misunderstands Del] Oh it's fun. Flights fun.
Del : [Del laughs] No no no, would you like the bun?
Man on plane : Uh what's that?
Del : I'm offering you a bun.
Man on plane : Speak up!
Del : Do you want the bun?
Man on plane : No, I just got started!
Neal : [Neal becomes frustrated and cuts in] He said do you want the bun.
Man on plane : Oh yes, thank-you.
[the man takes the bun]
Del : There you go. How about another salad?
[the man hands over his salad dish]
Del : No no no, takes this salad he doesn't want any, he's not hungry. Some salad dressing.
Man on plane : I'll have the brownie.
Del : The brownie? Sure.
Neal : No no no, I'd like that.
Del : You want the brownie? He won't give you the brownie, he's got a sweet tooth.
[Del whispers to Neal]
Del : Isn't he a nice fella?
[Just as Neal is about to eat his brownie, a woman in the seat in front of him pulls her hair back, covering his brownie]
Del : I guess you're not going to want your brownie now?
Neal : No.
Del : No. Mind?
[Del digs into the woman's hair, taking out the brownie. He offers some to the old man]
Del : Would you like half?
Man on plane : Oh would you?
Del : Certainly.
[Del gives the old man the brownie]
Del : There you go, the big side.
Neal : I'd like one room for the night.
Del : If you're upset, maybe we should get separate rooms.
Neal : You get your own room.
Hotel Clerk : Will you be paying with credit card?
Neal : Yes. I have a Visa card... Diner's Club card... and a gasoline card.
[he lays them out - all of them are burned]
Hotel Clerk : [chuckles] These aren't... these aren't credit cards.
Neal : Do you take cash?
Hotel Clerk : Forty-two fifty.
Neal : [lays money on the table] How about seventeen dollars...
Hotel Clerk : I can't do that.
Neal : Please. Have mercy. I've been wearing the same underwear since Tuesday.
Del : I can vouch for that.
Hotel Clerk : I don't own the place, I...
[gestures towards the management office behind him]
Neal : Seventeen dollars...
Neal : [unstraps wristwatch] ... and a hell of a nice watch?
Screaming Driver : [late at night on the highway, Del is unknowingly driving in the opposite lane while a couple drive alongside him notice] Holy shit! Look at that guy on the wrong side of the highway! He's going to kill somebody!
Screaming Driver's Wife : Oh, my God!
Screaming Driver : [honks his horn and rolls his window down to get their attention] Hey! Hey!
[Del notices and honks back in retaliation]
Neal : [waking up from the noise] Hey, what's going on?
Del : Some joker wants to race.
[Neal turns to look at the man who's now sticking his arm out his window making a turning motion]
Del : Turn around!
Neal : [turns to Del] Don't race. It's ridiculous.
Del : [to the Screaming Driver] All right, come on. Let's go! Let's go!
Screaming Driver : Put your window down!
Neal : He wants something.
[he rolls down his window]
Del : Egh, he's probably drunk.
Screaming Driver : You're going the wrong way!
Neal : [leans his head out the window] What?
Neal : [makes a nod making like he understands and sits back straight in his seat, to Del] He says we're going the wrong way.
Del : Oh, he's drunk! How would he know where we're going?
Neal : [agreeable] Yeah, how would he know?
[turns to the couple, mockingly waves and says]
Neal : Thank you! Thanks a lot! Terrific!
Del : [also mocking] Thank you!
[honks horn a couple times and laughs]
Del : What a moron!
Screaming Driver : You're going in the wrong direction!
[Del imitates a drunkard drinking and acting buffoonish]
[Neal looks back out the window again and looks at the street, noticing that it's not the shoulder but the middle of the highway that is to his right, looks up at the couple]
Neal : [eyes bulge, finally realizing the problem, he turns forward to find two semi-trucks side by side coming straight for them, Neal is so panicked he can't even talk loud enough] Truck. Truck. Truck! Truck!
Del : [too busy to notice the oncoming vehicles, looking at Neal, shaking his shoulder to get his attention] What? What?
[Del looks forward to see the two semi-trucks coming head on, the two scream as they manage to squeeze their way through the gap in between them]