Back to School (1986)
Paxton Whitehead: Philip Barbay
Thornton Melon : Oh, you left out a bunch of stuff.
Dr. Phillip Barbay : Oh really? Like what for instance?
Thornton Melon : First of all you're going to have to grease the local politicians for the sudden zoning problems that always come up. Then there's the kickbacks to the carpenters, and if you plan on using any cement in this building I'm sure the teamsters would like to have a little chat with ya, and that'll cost ya. Oh and don't forget a little something for the building inspectors. Then there's long term costs such as waste disposal. I don't know if you're familiar with who runs that business but I assure you it's not the boyscouts.
Dr. Phillip Barbay : That will be quite enough, Mr. Melon! Maybe bribes, kickbacks and Mafia payoffs are how YOU do business! But they are NOT part of the legitimate business world! And they are certainly not part of anything I am doing in this class. Do I make myself clear, Mr. Melon!
Diane : Hello, Philip.
Dr. Phillip Barbay : What did he want?
Diane : Oh! What do ALL men want?
Dr. Phillip Barbay : [wryly] He wants you to dress up as Wonder Woman? Tie him up with a golden lariat and force him to tell the truth?
Diane : No, just dinner, Philip.
Diane : [laughs] Are you jealous of Thornton Melon?
Dr. Phillip Barbay : Certainly not.
Dr. Phillip Barbay : I've been doing a great deal of thinking lately. I've been thinking... about us.
Diane : And?
Dr. Phillip Barbay : And I think we should start thinking about forming a... well, um, a...
Diane : A merger?
Dr. Phillip Barbay : A merger! Exactly, exactly. A merger... a partnership. Seriously, Diane, we're both intelligent, well-educated adults. We should be together. Incorporated, if you will. Look at the balance sheet. We were made for one another.
Diane : [laughing] Oh, Philip, you darling. I don't want to be merged or incorporated. I want to have fun and be romanced and... be loved. So, let's not rush into anything. Let's just start by having fun, OK?
Diane : [Thornton is buying books and treating everyone along the way... Diane looks on, impressed] Who is that?
Dr. Phillip Barbay : That... is Mr. Thornton Mellon. The world's oldest living freshman... and the walking epitome of the decline in modern education. The stupid clod thinks he can buy his way out of the gutter.
Diane : Oh, I think he was just having fun.
Dr. Phillip Barbay : Oh really? I can't wait to get him in my class. We'll see just how much fun he is then.
Diane : Oh, Phillip.
Dean Martin : [Barbay has arrived at the groundbreaking of the new Melon School of Business] Ah, Phillip... so glad you could make it. Mr. Melon, this is Dr. Phillip Barbay. He's the dean of our new Melon School of Business.
Dr. Phillip Barbay : [Thornton extends his hand, Barbay refuses it and takes Martin aside] David, I just want to get it on record that I am totally against this. I don't think that selling admission to an obviously unqualified student is either ethical or honorable.
Dean Martin : Uh, right... Phil. In Mr. Melon's defense, it was a really big check.
Dr. Phillip Barbay : [glaring at Martin in dismay] It's a simple matter of undermining the efforts of our best students, who are here as the result of hard work!
Thornton Melon : [chiming in] Hard work? Listen, Sherlock! While you were tucked away up here working on your ethics, I was out there busting my hump in the REAL world. And the reason guys like you got a place to teach is 'cause guys like me donate buildings.
Dr. Phillip Barbay : I wasn't speaking to you, Mr. Melon.
[turns on heel and heads to his car]