Never a Dull Moment (1968)
Jack Albany: I get nervous when I don't have a weed.
[Florian hands him a pack of cigarettes]
Jack Albany: You save the coupons?
Florian: How do you think I got my knife?
Jack Albany: Why'd they call a tough kid like you a sissy name like Florian?
Florian: It's a tough name!
Lenny: Coffee and group therapy at Walgreen's?
Jack Albany: Oh, I can't tonight, Lenny. I got a soap tomorrow. I haven't even looked at the script yet.
Lenny: Maybe it's better that way.
Jack Albany: Look, punk. It so happens, I don't like somebody holding a sticker on me. And I got a heat. I'm on the verge of makin' you very dead.
Florian: [Folds his jackknife] So, I put it away.
Florian: Look, Ace, I didn't know what to do. All that crazy talk. I mean, I can't take no chances. If it turns out that you wasn't Ace...
Jack Albany: [Acting as Ace Williams] What's your name, punk?
Jack Albany: Florian? Why'd they call a tough kid like you a sissy name like Florian?
Florian: It's a tough name.
Frank Boley: So this is the big killer man from Frisco.
Florian: Yeah. Frank Boley, this is Ace Williams.
Frank Boley: You don't look so dangerous to me.
Jack Albany: [Acting as Ace, turns to Florian] Some of you boys here in the East a little short on manners, punk?
Frank Boley: [Leans over to Florian] Maybe your friend would like to teach me some.
Jack Albany: [Again, to Florian] Ask him when he wants me to tear him apart. Before I meet the boss or after?
Frank Boley: [Again, leans over to Florian] Tell him it's no difference to me.
Florian: Look, after, huh. We're late and Joe's sore.
Jack Albany: [to Florian] For the sake of the punk, I'll defer the pleasure.
Frank Boley: Likewise.
Jack Albany: Well, Pepé's too kind. I'll admit, when I kill somebody, even I don't know what happened.
Leo Joseph Smooth: [to Florian, whom he just backhanded across the face] Stop that bleeding, will ya? It's stupid.
Leo Joseph Smooth: I heard about that big run-in you had with the Treasury boys.
Jack Albany: Yeah, yeah, I heard that.
Leo Joseph Smooth: Well, you were there.
Jack Albany: Well, I heard you heard.
Leo Joseph Smooth: You all right now?
Jack Albany: Yeah, I limp a little on the leg. You know how...
Leo Joseph Smooth: I thought he gottcha in the shoulder.
Jack Albany: He did, yes... It hit a nerve. Affected my leg. I still limp on it.
Leo Joseph Smooth: He warned me to keep you away from booze and broads. He said booze and broads put you right out of your head.
Leo Joseph Smooth: You know, I used to paint things you could recognize. You know, flowers, trees, waterfalls. Now I do that kinda stuff,
[Points to his splashed canvas]
Leo Joseph Smooth: and she swears its progress.
Sally Inwood: You know what we're trying to accomplish, Mr. Smooth.
Leo Joseph Smooth: Well, someday we're going back to flowers and trees.
Sally Inwood: And they'll be YOUR flowers and trees.
Leo Joseph Smooth: I wanna be remembered.
Jack Albany: Well, as it is if you wouldn't be?
Leo Joseph Smooth: Oh, yes, in some circles, but... Dillinger, Capone, Bugsy Moran. Those are names the whole world knows. They live on through the deeds associated with 'em.
Leo Joseph Smooth: Well, I wanna do something that'll make a place in history for my name. Posterity doesn't honor executives.
Leo Joseph Smooth: You know, Bobby used to be a fighter. Pretty good, too.
Bobby Macoon: Eight years in the ring.
Leo Joseph Smooth: Now he's my communications expert.
Jack Albany: Oh, still listening for the bell, huh Bobby?
Leo Joseph Smooth: I brought Cowboy in from Vegas. Fastest tommy gun in the West.
Cowboy Schaeffer: Aw, shucks, Joe.
Jack Albany: [Speaking nabout Frank Foley] I got a parlor trick. In one second I make him dead and catch him before he hits the floor.
Leo Joseph Smooth: Uh, when the time comes, I'll make him dead myself.
Leo Joseph Smooth: Frank, I want you to shake hands with Ace Williams. And from now on, I want you to treat him like a brother.
Frank Boley: Last year I worked my brother over so bad...
Leo Joseph Smooth: Now, Frank...
Jack Albany: You, uh, belong to Joe's organization, sweetheart?
Sally Inwood: Sure thing. I head up the mob's fine arts division.
Jack Albany: You're puttin' me on.
Sally Inwood: Am I?
Jack Albany: Well, I ,just wanna know how cozy you are with Joe. I mean, I like your style, but then, uh, he' the boss.
Sally Inwood: Before you go any further, hot stuff, let me tell you something out of pure generosity. I have been living alone in New York City for four years. I know how to take care of myself.
Jack Albany: Well, I like a girl with spirit.
Sally Inwood: And for the record, my relationship with Mr. Smooth is strictly teacher-pupil. My relationship with you is nothing.
Leo Joseph Smooth: If you'll shut your ignorant yaps, I'll set you guys straight on a few facts. First. It's not a lousy picture. It's a very fine picture and it's a very famous picture... worth around 600 Gs.
Bobby Macoon: 600 Gs?
Leo Joseph Smooth: And, second, it's 40 feet long.
Leo Joseph Smooth: [to Florian, after slapping him across the face] What're you always bleedin' for?
Leo Joseph Smooth: What happened?
Frank Boley: He got fresh with the artist and she took care of him.
Jack Albany: I should have killed her.
Leo Joseph Smooth: Francis.
[Francis picks Jack up off the floor]
Leo Joseph Smooth: I'm glad you were able to control yourself. I'm paid up for three more lessons.
Leo Joseph Smooth: He thanks you, he relaxes, and you kill him. Now, how do you figure you'll do it?
Jack Albany: [Acting as Ace Williams] Do what?
Leo Joseph Smooth: Kill him.
Jack Albany: Oh, well maybe a shiv at the base of the medulla oblongata. Or, maybe I'll paralyze the clavichord. All depends on how I feel at the time.
Leo Joseph Smooth: Medulla oblongata? Well, in every art form, there's an element of spontaneity, you know. I'm the first to appreciate that.
Cowboy Schaeffer: Who died?
Jack Albany: My Aunt Gladys.
Cowboy Schaeffer: Well, we all gotta go sometime.
Jack Albany: Only person who ever loved me.
Cowboy Schaeffer: Now pull yourself together.
Jack Albany: I'd give anything if I could see her again. Anything.
Cowboy Schaeffer: What happened to her?
Jack Albany: Well, she was makin' book in Oakland and they caught her on the take and dropped her in the bay. Splash!
Cowboy Schaeffer: That's rough.
Leo Joseph Smooth: What's going on here?
Sally Inwood: I would like another car, please, and another driver to take me home.
Leo Joseph Smooth: Why? Something's wrong with the car?
Sally Inwood: It's broken.
Leo Joseph Smooth: A new car, less than a thousand miles, and it's broken?
Sally Inwood: Well, quite possibly it was not built to withstand crashing into a tree. Of course, that's just an opinion. I am not a mechanic.
Leo Joseph Smooth: Oh, you wrapped up the car?
Florian: Well, she hit me.
Sally Inwood: I slapped him, for the classic reason.
Florian: All I did was...
Leo Joseph Smooth: [Backhands Florian] I know what you did.
Leo Joseph Smooth: Ah, so the kid got out of hand. He's sorry. And it's no great disaster.
[Joe looks at Florian]
Leo Joseph Smooth: What are you always bleeding for?
Sally Inwood: The Field of Sunflowers!
Leo Joseph Smooth: Yeah.
Sally Inwood: Why are you showing a picture of that here?
Leo Joseph Smooth: Well, I, uh, shouldn't have to... there are people who appreciate art.
Sally Inwood: These people? Well, there must be some other reason.
Leo Joseph Smooth: [to Florian] Keep your hands to yourself or I'll take 'em away from you.
Jack Albany: [On a ledge outside Sally's window] Do you want me to fall off of here and beak my neck?
Sally Inwood: Would you?
Jack Albany: That's a terrible thing to say.
Sally Inwood: Well, be insulted and go away.
Jack Albany: Help!
Sally Inwood: You really are insane.
Jack Albany: Whatever you say. Just help me up.
Leo Joseph Smooth: [to Jack Albany standing on a ledge] Ace, I need you tomorrow, so I don't want you getting hurt. You get hurt, I'll kill you.
Jack Albany: [Florian hasn't said a word but beckons Jack with his finger] Oh, shut up, you greasy little punk.
Leo Joseph Smooth: Oh, so I've got a pair of aces, and I've gotta discard one.
Jack Albany: You've got one ace... and a joker.
Leo Joseph Smooth: [Closing the library door on Jack and Ace] Have a good game, gentlemen. I'll be waiting outside to see who comes out ace high.
Jack Albany: Well, how did you know to hit him?
Sally Inwood: It was pretty obvious which one wasn't the professional killer... "an umbrella of peace spreading..."
Leo Joseph Smooth: How'd you do it? I'm curious.
Jack Albany: Just an ordinary Australian neck clop.
Florian: Hey, he ain't dead.
Leo Joseph Smooth: What?
Jack Albany: The neck clop disables, it doesn't kill.
Leo Joseph Smooth: Well, why'd you wanna go and use that clop for?
Jack Albany: If I kill him, his mouth is sealed forever.
Leo Joseph Smooth: Let it be sealed.
Jack Albany: Then you never find out who "they" is.
Leo Joseph Smooth: Yeah. Well, that's good thinking.
Jack Albany: How could you have seen "Twelfth Night" and not have noticed me?
Jack Albany: Oh, thank you.
Sally Inwood: What for?
Jack Albany: For saving my life.
Sally Inwood: Oh, that. I'd do that for any great actor.
Jack Albany: I've never been in love before. Except with myself. I've got goose bumps all over.