Lou Costello: Wilbur
Wilbur Grey : And another thing Mr. Chick Young! The next time I tell you that I saw something when I saw it, you believe me that I saw it!
Chick Young : Oh relax. Now that we've seen the last of Dracula, the Wolf Man, and the Monster, there's nobody to frighten us anymore.
Invisible Man : Oh, that's too bad. I was hoping to get in on the excitement.
Chick Young : Who said that?
Invisible Man : Allow me to introduce myself. I'm the Invisible Man.
Larry Talbot : So! We meet again, Count Dracula.
Dracula : Dracula?
Wilbur Grey : Yes. That's who he says you are.
Dracula : Oh. My costume perhaps?
Chick Young : [jokingly] No. Talbot here thinks you're the real thing.
Wilbur Grey : Uh-huh. Right out of McDougal's House of Horrors.
Dracula : What an odd hallucination. But, the human mind is often inflamed with strange complexes. I suggest you consult your physician, Mr. Talbot.
Chick Young : [referring to Wilbur] And take him along with you, please.
Wilbur Grey : I've had this brain for thirty years. It hasn't done me any good!
Chick Young : You know the old saying? Everything comes in threes. Now suppose a third girl should fall in love with you?
Wilbur Grey : What's her name?
Chick Young : We'll say her name is Mary.
Wilbur Grey : Is she pretty?
Chick Young : Beautiful!
Wilbur Grey : Naturally, she'd have to be.
Chick Young : Now you have Mary, you have Joan, and you have Sandra. So, to prove to you that I'm your pal, your bosom friend, I'll take one of the girls off your hands.
Wilbur Grey : Chick, you're what I call a real pal... you take Mary.
Larry Talbot : I just got a line on Dracula and the Monster. A certain Dr. Lajos has been receiving a lot of electrical equipment - just the type necessary to revive the Monster.
Wilbur Grey : So what? I'm way out on an island. I got my own problems.
Larry Talbot : Yes, but listen... I believe you're in the house of Dracula right now!
Chick Young : [the phone rings] Answer that phone.
[a lady rings the bell for service]
Chick Young : Answer the bell.
[the phone rings again]
Chick Young : Answer the phone!
Wilbur Grey : Which one do you want me to answer first?
Chick Young : Both of them!
Wilbur Grey : [mocks him] Both of them! Both of them!
Wilbur Grey : [Larry Talbot's called about Mr. McDougal's packages and is turning into the wolf, growling and snarling] Mr. McDougal, will you stop gargling your throat?
Wilbur Grey : Hey, you're gonna have to get your dog away from the phone, I can't hear a word you're saying.
[growling and snarling continues]
Wilbur Grey : You're awful silly to call me all the way from London just to have your dog talk to me.
[hears the snarling and barks in response]
Wilbur Grey : [Chick calls Wilbur from across the room] Miss Raymond, will you excuse me.
[looking at himself in the mirror]
Wilbur Grey : Oh you irresistible boy.
Wilbur Grey : [to Chick] You want me.
Chick Young : [grabs Wilbur and pulls him towards the window] Yes I want you. Come over here. I just wanted to get a good look at you in the light.
Chick Young : I still don't get it.
Wilbur Grey : Jealous?
Wilbur Grey : Look, now you've got two dates. What about Sandra, you bigamist?
Chick Young : Sandra? I don't know. Joan is awful cute.
Wilbur Grey : All right. You take Joan and I'll take Sandra.
Chick Young : Oh, Sandra sends me.
Wilbur Grey : Well then I'll take Joan.
Chick Young : Joan sends me too.
Wilbur Grey : Now listen, you sawed-off Romeo. In a minute, I'll send you!
Chick Young : You don't even appeal to me.
Wilbur Grey : Look, Wilbur, we've always been pals, haven't we?
Chick Young : Oh, yes.
Wilbur Grey : We've always shared and shared alike, haven't we?
Chick Young : Mm-hmm.
Wilbur Grey : Well, now look. Let's be reasonable. Come on.
Chick Young : I've always shared with you.
Wilbur Grey : That you have!
Chick Young : If I had two cigarettes, I'd give you one.
Wilbur Grey : That's right.
Chick Young : And if I had two pairs of shoes, I'd give you a pair.
Wilbur Grey : Don't I know that?
Chick Young : And if I have two girls...
Wilbur Grey : [Interrupting and stuttering] Well?
Chick Young : Why don't you light that cigarette, put on those shoes and take a walk for yourself?
Wilbur Grey : That's just what I'm gonna do, but with you.
Wilbur Grey : Mr. Talbot, and I thought you were such a nice man too. Look at you, you're a mess.
Larry Talbot : Last night I went through another one of my horrible experiences. Many years ago I was bitten by a werewolf. Now, whenever the full moon rises I turn into a wolf myself.
Wilbur Grey : Oh pal. That's all right; I'm sort of a wolf myself.
Larry Talbot : I know you'll think I'm crazy, but in a half an hour the moon will rise and I'll turn into a wolf.
Wilbur : You and twenty million other guys.
Larry Talbot : [slamming Wilbur into a locker with Chick going in behind him] Listen! I might tear you limb from limb!
Wilbur : [turning to Chick in the locker] Is that serious?
Chick Young : He'll murder ya!
Wilbur : [turns to Talbot] That's serious.
Wilbur : You can have Sandra but make sure you get plenty of bandages.
Wilbur Grey : Dracula is Dracula. And Sandra's gonna use my brain to make a bigger dummy out of the other dummy.
Chick Young : Now listen, Talbot. Enough is enough. Now Wilbur's scared to death. Hello? Hello? He's gone.
Wilbur : So am I.
Chick Young : No you don't come here. I'm gonna settle this thing once and for all. We'll search this place.
Wilbur : Look Chick, it's a little past sunset and if Dracula is here he's gonna be wanting breakfast, and I'm fatter than you, and it ain't gonna be me.
Chick Young : [reading exhibit card] "Frankenstein gave the Monster eternal life by shooting it full of electricity. Some people claim it is not dead even now, just dormant."
[laughs to Wilbur]
Chick Young : Now, who would be silly enough to believe that?
Wilbur Grey : [joins in laughter] Who WOULD be silly enough to believe that?
[more laughter as he beckons Chick closer, then says, worried]
Wilbur Grey : ... Me!