KAUFEN WILD HOGS
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Doug Madsen:
You screwed up their lives? And by doing that, you decided to screw up our lives? Asshole!
[first lines]
Dudley Frank: [after getting a fist-tap from Woody and nearly wiping out] Whoa! Whoa! Oh! Man, oh, man. I almost lost it back there. I didn't know what was going on.
[hits a sign face first]
Jack: You're gonna pay a disobedience fee of $10,000, plus another $40,000 to rebuild the bar. If you don't, we're gonna break your friend's legs here.
Dudley Frank: Don't bring the money! I'm a computer programmer! I don't need my legs!
Jack: Fine, we'll break his hands!
Dudley Frank: Oh, dammit. Bring the money!
Dudley Frank: [upon seeing Maggie] She's perfect for me. I wanted to say something funny, but all I could think of was black jokes.
Bobby Davis: Do tell... which ones? Why don't you tell the one that ends with me beating your ass?
Bobby Davis: [after being called out by Jack] Anyone else getting that pre-rape feeling?
Red: [grinning] I do.
Doug Madsen: You're the sheriff, aren't you going out there?
Charley: Hey, I took my law enforcement course on the internet! For arms training they just told us to play Doom!
Woody Stevens: [a large yard is full of a bunch of leaves] Well go home, Toby! You make me sick!
Toby: I can't do this many leaves for $10!
[Woody kicks a pile of leaves]
Dudley Frank: I'm looking foward to the parade this year. I got little Tootsie Rolls to throw to the kids.
Woody Stevens: Tootsie Rolls? You cannot even put on your left blinker without wiping out.
Dudley Frank: I have a girlfriend, beat that out of me, bitch.
[gets knocked out]
Dudley Frank: I got a girlfriend. Punch that out of me, bitches!
Maggie: That's too bad. I wanted you to try my chili. It's pretty hot.
Dudley Frank: No, I'll try it. I like your kind of hot. Chili, chili hot. Food hot. That's the hot I want to kiss. Eat.
Charley: Needless to say, we don't carry firearms anymore. Sometimes you pull them out and think they're not loaded, and...
Bobby Davis: You blow your deputy's ear off.
Charley: Yeah.
Woody Stevens: Come on, guys, we're exhausted. I think we should take the bikes back to the hotel, put them in a shed with the doors closed, and then play Scrabble in the room with the shades down.
Doug Madsen: Look Aunt Bea, maybe you want to do something else here in Mayberry!
Doug Madsen: Woody, sorry I said you had ego issues.
Woody Stevens: Sorry I said you were a pussy.
Doug Madsen: You didn't call me a pussy.
Woody Stevens: Well, not to your face, but that's what I was thinking.
Red: When we drink piss, we drink it cold!
Murdock: What?
Red: We don't drink piss!
Doug Madsen: Did he just say "cracker"?
Dudley Frank: "Cracker-ass."
Doug Madsen: Oh, perfect.
Woody Stevens: That's not a discussion.
Dudley Frank: Yeah, that's a lawsuit.
Woody Stevens: Del Fuegos! Hide the bikes! Quick!
Dudley Frank: What'd you do, Woody?
Woody Stevens: I cut the gas lines of their bikes, and then I maybe blew up their bar.
Bobby Davis: Sorry, Woody, about your situation. But you're a lying asshole. That's like an asshole's asshole.
Doug Madsen: You're the sheriff, why don't you go out there?
Charley: I'm the sheriff of a town of 500 people. I got my qualification from a course on the internet. For my arms training, they just told me to play Doom!
Charley: Man, that was like Level 12 of Doom.
Maggie: You coming back through?
Dudley Frank: Maybe. A biker never knows. A week, a month.
[pauses]
Dudley Frank: Six days, ten hours, 27 minutes, give or take six minutes for wind resistance.
Dudley Frank: It's ok. I just hit my face!
Doug Madsen: Well, what has your wife ever made us?
Bobby Davis: Hard.
Highway Patrolman: 4 counts of indecent exposure... 2 counts of lewd, lascivious behavior, and one count - pure jealousy
Doug Madsen: [shocked] Huh?
Highway Patrolman: [Smiling] How you doing?
Mother-in-Law: In my day, the women stayed home. Not the lazy men.
Bobby Davis: In your day, men were busy building pyramids! How long ago was that?
Dudley Frank: I'm okay, I just hurt my face.
Woody Stevens: I'm just swimming here with my gay friends.
Bobby Davis: You called The Firm?
Clerk: Some truck driver must have crapped an entire cow in there, man. Good luck. I knew in my gut not to let him go, but I didn't trust my instincts. I saw my father shot, but I did not cry till today. I was robbed yesterday, and I know now, your job is the bad one.
Bobby Davis: You call The Firm?
Clerk: Yeah, men's room. Some trucker musta crapped a whole cow in there. Good luck.
Bobby Davis: [turns to leave]
Clerk: I didn't want to give him the key, but I didn't trust my instincts.
Bobby Davis: [turns to leave]
Clerk: I saw my father shot. I never cry until today.
Bobby Davis: [turns to leave]
Clerk: I got robbed yesterday. And now I know: you have the bad job.
Bobby Davis: Yeah...
Dudley Frank: Hey, guys, does this sound better?
[Revs engine, bike accelerates and crashes]
Dudley Frank: I'm okay, I hit my butt!
Dudley Frank: Thanks, Woody, I feel really safe with you.
Woody Stevens: I noticed that. If you ever lay your head on my back while riding bitch, I'll throw you into traffic!
Dudley Frank: I was just trying to keep the wind out of my face.
Woody Stevens: I felt you smell my neck!
Bobby Davis: Did you smell that man's neck?
Dudley Frank: His cologne is fantastic. It's musky with an oaky finish like a... lawyer cowboy.
Bobby Davis: A lawyer cowboy?
Dudley Frank: I got a tat.
Doug Madsen: Hell just froze over.
Woody Stevens: Let's see it!
Dudley Frank: I'm a biker dude!
[shows tattoo of Apple logo]
Woody Stevens: It's an Apple.
Dudley Frank: I know, it's trademarked, but what are they gonna say... It's in my skin, bitch!
Woody Stevens: Dudley, you have to get rid of that or else I'm going to vomit in your lap.
Dudley Frank: Fine, I'll hang it from a tree.
Woody Stevens: Don't hang it in a tree.
Dudley Frank: Why?
Woody Stevens: Cause bears don't eat shit!
Doug Madsen: [convincing him to go skinny-dipping] Come on...
Woody Stevens: Fine, I will get naked with my gay friends. If any of them look at my junk, I will kill them!
Highway Patrolman: [the tourist family flees after discovering the guys are skinny-dipping] Forget about them, more fun for us! Like what you see, huh? Let's get involved!
Bobby Davis: I think we better get out of here.
Woody Stevens: No, we'll get out of here at sundown after we've had our beverage.
Dudley Frank: Nice tat, where'd you get it?
Biker: Leavenworth. You?
Dudley Frank: Meadowhills Galeria.
Jack: I knew you assholes the minute I laid eyes on you! Look at the four of you!
Doug Madsen: You don't know us.
Jack: [to Doug] You think I don't know you? You're probably a... podiatrist or an ear-, nose-, and throat-specialist.
Doug Madsen: I wish.
Jack: An orthadontist?
Bobby Davis: Close enough.
Jack: [turns to Bobby] Bobby, guarantee you're hen-pecked! The wife wears the pants!
Bobby Davis: You know my wife?
Jack: [to Dudley] And you, no luck with women. I guarantee you bag your own shit.
Dudley Frank: Wow, you're good. What color am I thinking of?
Jack: Shut up!
[turns to Woody]
Jack: And you, you're the biggest poser of them all... aren't ya, Squinty! Go home!
Jack: Those assholes got balls.
Red: That i'm gonna put them in my mouth and chew on!
Jack: You're gonna put what in your mouth?
Woody Stevens: Oh shit, oh God, oh no!
Doug Madsen: Remember the theme of this trip, whenever wherever?
Woody Stevens: Oh, fine, whatever. We'll stay the night and get gas in the morning. Okay?
Doug Madsen: Fine, I just don't understand what the rush is.
Woody Stevens: There's no rush! I just wanna ride, just ride, Sally, ride. You are so weird! You ask some weird shit and say the weirdest things. Why don't you just, what, what?
Woody Stevens: Come on, let's go!
Doug Madsen: What's your rush?
Woody Stevens: Come on, man, it's the open road. Riding free, that's the rush! This isn't freedom, this is a gas station built by the man, a prison for our souls!
Bobby Davis: my soul needs something to drink.
Dudley Frank: We'll get gas at the next station, come on Wild Hogs! Let's go! Woo-hoo!
[last lines]
Doug Madsen, Dudley Frank, Bobby Davis, Woody Stevens: Wild Hogs!
Doug Madsen: Look, guys, sign at the curve of the road!
Bobby Davis: Madrid.
Woody Stevens: Spain?
Diner Guy: Wild Hogs? What is that, your little gang?
Dudley Frank: Yep-a-roonie!
Dudley Frank: [after tasting some of Maggi's chili] Mother of pearl, I've swallowed hot lava!
Woody Stevens: Holy crap... it's the Golden Knight!
Doug Madsen: Ooh boy, my ass is sore.
Dudley Frank: Mine too, its Woody's fault for riding us so hard yesterday. The human body wasnt made to stradle something that big for that long.
Woody Stevens: Well ya know its gonna hurt a little bit but that's all part of the experience. Its why we didnt bring our wives.
Bobby Davis: Wut da...? What the hell? Someone wanna explain to me why I'm the one in the dirt? When I got sore jaws from 3 hours of blowin...
[notices Highway Patrolman]
Bobby Davis: .
Highway Patrolman: Please... Please, for the love of God, finish your sentence.
Damien Blade: Ride hard or stay home!
Dudley Frank: [to Woody] 60% of motorcycle fatalities can be avoided by using the proper protective headwear.
[holds up his helmet]
Doug Madsen: What's that leather condom gonna protect you from? Snoopy? The Red Baron? Dating?
Damien Blade: Bar burnt down.
Jack: Yeah, these four posers burnt it down.
Damien Blade: Four guys stand off against fifty bikers... and THEY'RE the posers?
Damien Blade: Why do you think I don't wear the colors, Jack? Why do you think I ride alone? You've forgotten what riding is all about. And I suggest all of you get back on the road, until you remember what riding is about.
Woody Stevens: [jumps in the water naked, shivering] Whoa, that's cold!
Woody Stevens: Why are you naked?
Dudley Frank: I thought we were doing this wild and free thing. You guys kept your skivvies on?
Doug Madsen: Yeah, there might be snappin' turtles or somethin'.
Bobby Davis: I kept mine on because I didn't want it to get dark in here!
Doug Madsen: Did you ever wake up one morning and wonder what happened to your life?
[Woody nods his head]
Doug Madsen: You know, I thought my life would be an adventure. All of a sudden, I'm a suburban dentist.
Bobby Davis: Look, Doug, I feel your pain, man. I mean I swore I would never return to a job where I had to where condoms on my shoes.
Woody Stevens: You're still at The Firm?
Bobby Davis: Yea. I get yelled at by an ungrateful wife. I swear the whole thing has made me...
Doug Madsen: ...a wimp.
Bobby Davis: I was gonna say miserable.
Bobby Davis: [pause] What? You think I'm a wimp?
Doug Madsen: No, I thought you were gonna say wimp, so I'd thought I'd say it for you.
Woody Stevens: You're a wimp, Bobby. I'll say it. I mean you're afraid of women. It's kinda embarrassing.
Dudley Frank: I'm afraid of women.
Woody Stevens: You're afraid to talk to women. Bobby's afraid they'll kill him in his sleep.
[Doug and Woody laugh]
Dudley Frank: Wow... now I'm really afraid of women.
Woody Stevens: The trip is over because some tattooed bullies pushed us around?
Doug Madsen, Bobby Davis: Yeah.
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[first lines]
Dudley Frank: [after getting a fist-tap from Woody and nearly wiping out] Whoa! Whoa! Oh! Man, oh, man. I almost lost it back there. I didn't know what was going on.
[hits a sign face first]
Jack: You're gonna pay a disobedience fee of $10,000, plus another $40,000 to rebuild the bar. If you don't, we're gonna break your friend's legs here.
Dudley Frank: Don't bring the money! I'm a computer programmer! I don't need my legs!
Jack: Fine, we'll break his hands!
Dudley Frank: Oh, dammit. Bring the money!
Dudley Frank: [upon seeing Maggie] She's perfect for me. I wanted to say something funny, but all I could think of was black jokes.
Bobby Davis: Do tell... which ones? Why don't you tell the one that ends with me beating your ass?
Bobby Davis: [after being called out by Jack] Anyone else getting that pre-rape feeling?
Red: [grinning] I do.
Doug Madsen: You're the sheriff, aren't you going out there?
Charley: Hey, I took my law enforcement course on the internet! For arms training they just told us to play Doom!
Woody Stevens: [a large yard is full of a bunch of leaves] Well go home, Toby! You make me sick!
Toby: I can't do this many leaves for $10!
[Woody kicks a pile of leaves]
Dudley Frank: I'm looking foward to the parade this year. I got little Tootsie Rolls to throw to the kids.
Woody Stevens: Tootsie Rolls? You cannot even put on your left blinker without wiping out.
Dudley Frank: I have a girlfriend, beat that out of me, bitch.
[gets knocked out]
Dudley Frank: I got a girlfriend. Punch that out of me, bitches!
Maggie: That's too bad. I wanted you to try my chili. It's pretty hot.
Dudley Frank: No, I'll try it. I like your kind of hot. Chili, chili hot. Food hot. That's the hot I want to kiss. Eat.
Charley: Needless to say, we don't carry firearms anymore. Sometimes you pull them out and think they're not loaded, and...
Bobby Davis: You blow your deputy's ear off.
Charley: Yeah.
Woody Stevens: Come on, guys, we're exhausted. I think we should take the bikes back to the hotel, put them in a shed with the doors closed, and then play Scrabble in the room with the shades down.
Doug Madsen: Look Aunt Bea, maybe you want to do something else here in Mayberry!
Doug Madsen: Woody, sorry I said you had ego issues.
Woody Stevens: Sorry I said you were a pussy.
Doug Madsen: You didn't call me a pussy.
Woody Stevens: Well, not to your face, but that's what I was thinking.
Red: When we drink piss, we drink it cold!
Murdock: What?
Red: We don't drink piss!
Doug Madsen: Did he just say "cracker"?
Dudley Frank: "Cracker-ass."
Doug Madsen: Oh, perfect.
Woody Stevens: That's not a discussion.
Dudley Frank: Yeah, that's a lawsuit.
Woody Stevens: Del Fuegos! Hide the bikes! Quick!
Dudley Frank: What'd you do, Woody?
Woody Stevens: I cut the gas lines of their bikes, and then I maybe blew up their bar.
Bobby Davis: Sorry, Woody, about your situation. But you're a lying asshole. That's like an asshole's asshole.
Doug Madsen: You're the sheriff, why don't you go out there?
Charley: I'm the sheriff of a town of 500 people. I got my qualification from a course on the internet. For my arms training, they just told me to play Doom!
Charley: Man, that was like Level 12 of Doom.
Maggie: You coming back through?
Dudley Frank: Maybe. A biker never knows. A week, a month.
[pauses]
Dudley Frank: Six days, ten hours, 27 minutes, give or take six minutes for wind resistance.
Dudley Frank: It's ok. I just hit my face!
Doug Madsen: Well, what has your wife ever made us?
Bobby Davis: Hard.
Highway Patrolman: 4 counts of indecent exposure... 2 counts of lewd, lascivious behavior, and one count - pure jealousy
Doug Madsen: [shocked] Huh?
Highway Patrolman: [Smiling] How you doing?
Mother-in-Law: In my day, the women stayed home. Not the lazy men.
Bobby Davis: In your day, men were busy building pyramids! How long ago was that?
Dudley Frank: I'm okay, I just hurt my face.
Woody Stevens: I'm just swimming here with my gay friends.
Bobby Davis: You called The Firm?
Clerk: Some truck driver must have crapped an entire cow in there, man. Good luck. I knew in my gut not to let him go, but I didn't trust my instincts. I saw my father shot, but I did not cry till today. I was robbed yesterday, and I know now, your job is the bad one.
Bobby Davis: You call The Firm?
Clerk: Yeah, men's room. Some trucker musta crapped a whole cow in there. Good luck.
Bobby Davis: [turns to leave]
Clerk: I didn't want to give him the key, but I didn't trust my instincts.
Bobby Davis: [turns to leave]
Clerk: I saw my father shot. I never cry until today.
Bobby Davis: [turns to leave]
Clerk: I got robbed yesterday. And now I know: you have the bad job.
Bobby Davis: Yeah...
Dudley Frank: Hey, guys, does this sound better?
[Revs engine, bike accelerates and crashes]
Dudley Frank: I'm okay, I hit my butt!
Dudley Frank: Thanks, Woody, I feel really safe with you.
Woody Stevens: I noticed that. If you ever lay your head on my back while riding bitch, I'll throw you into traffic!
Dudley Frank: I was just trying to keep the wind out of my face.
Woody Stevens: I felt you smell my neck!
Bobby Davis: Did you smell that man's neck?
Dudley Frank: His cologne is fantastic. It's musky with an oaky finish like a... lawyer cowboy.
Bobby Davis: A lawyer cowboy?
Dudley Frank: I got a tat.
Doug Madsen: Hell just froze over.
Woody Stevens: Let's see it!
Dudley Frank: I'm a biker dude!
[shows tattoo of Apple logo]
Woody Stevens: It's an Apple.
Dudley Frank: I know, it's trademarked, but what are they gonna say... It's in my skin, bitch!
Woody Stevens: Dudley, you have to get rid of that or else I'm going to vomit in your lap.
Dudley Frank: Fine, I'll hang it from a tree.
Woody Stevens: Don't hang it in a tree.
Dudley Frank: Why?
Woody Stevens: Cause bears don't eat shit!
Doug Madsen: [convincing him to go skinny-dipping] Come on...
Woody Stevens: Fine, I will get naked with my gay friends. If any of them look at my junk, I will kill them!
Highway Patrolman: [the tourist family flees after discovering the guys are skinny-dipping] Forget about them, more fun for us! Like what you see, huh? Let's get involved!
Bobby Davis: I think we better get out of here.
Woody Stevens: No, we'll get out of here at sundown after we've had our beverage.
Dudley Frank: Nice tat, where'd you get it?
Biker: Leavenworth. You?
Dudley Frank: Meadowhills Galeria.
Jack: I knew you assholes the minute I laid eyes on you! Look at the four of you!
Doug Madsen: You don't know us.
Jack: [to Doug] You think I don't know you? You're probably a... podiatrist or an ear-, nose-, and throat-specialist.
Doug Madsen: I wish.
Jack: An orthadontist?
Bobby Davis: Close enough.
Jack: [turns to Bobby] Bobby, guarantee you're hen-pecked! The wife wears the pants!
Bobby Davis: You know my wife?
Jack: [to Dudley] And you, no luck with women. I guarantee you bag your own shit.
Dudley Frank: Wow, you're good. What color am I thinking of?
Jack: Shut up!
[turns to Woody]
Jack: And you, you're the biggest poser of them all... aren't ya, Squinty! Go home!
Jack: Those assholes got balls.
Red: That i'm gonna put them in my mouth and chew on!
Jack: You're gonna put what in your mouth?
Woody Stevens: Oh shit, oh God, oh no!
Doug Madsen: Remember the theme of this trip, whenever wherever?
Woody Stevens: Oh, fine, whatever. We'll stay the night and get gas in the morning. Okay?
Doug Madsen: Fine, I just don't understand what the rush is.
Woody Stevens: There's no rush! I just wanna ride, just ride, Sally, ride. You are so weird! You ask some weird shit and say the weirdest things. Why don't you just, what, what?
Woody Stevens: Come on, let's go!
Doug Madsen: What's your rush?
Woody Stevens: Come on, man, it's the open road. Riding free, that's the rush! This isn't freedom, this is a gas station built by the man, a prison for our souls!
Bobby Davis: my soul needs something to drink.
Dudley Frank: We'll get gas at the next station, come on Wild Hogs! Let's go! Woo-hoo!
[last lines]
Doug Madsen, Dudley Frank, Bobby Davis, Woody Stevens: Wild Hogs!
Doug Madsen: Look, guys, sign at the curve of the road!
Bobby Davis: Madrid.
Woody Stevens: Spain?
Diner Guy: Wild Hogs? What is that, your little gang?
Dudley Frank: Yep-a-roonie!
Dudley Frank: [after tasting some of Maggi's chili] Mother of pearl, I've swallowed hot lava!
Woody Stevens: Holy crap... it's the Golden Knight!
Doug Madsen: Ooh boy, my ass is sore.
Dudley Frank: Mine too, its Woody's fault for riding us so hard yesterday. The human body wasnt made to stradle something that big for that long.
Woody Stevens: Well ya know its gonna hurt a little bit but that's all part of the experience. Its why we didnt bring our wives.
Bobby Davis: Wut da...? What the hell? Someone wanna explain to me why I'm the one in the dirt? When I got sore jaws from 3 hours of blowin...
[notices Highway Patrolman]
Bobby Davis: .
Highway Patrolman: Please... Please, for the love of God, finish your sentence.
Damien Blade: Ride hard or stay home!
Dudley Frank: [to Woody] 60% of motorcycle fatalities can be avoided by using the proper protective headwear.
[holds up his helmet]
Doug Madsen: What's that leather condom gonna protect you from? Snoopy? The Red Baron? Dating?
Damien Blade: Bar burnt down.
Jack: Yeah, these four posers burnt it down.
Damien Blade: Four guys stand off against fifty bikers... and THEY'RE the posers?
Damien Blade: Why do you think I don't wear the colors, Jack? Why do you think I ride alone? You've forgotten what riding is all about. And I suggest all of you get back on the road, until you remember what riding is about.
Woody Stevens: [jumps in the water naked, shivering] Whoa, that's cold!
Woody Stevens: Why are you naked?
Dudley Frank: I thought we were doing this wild and free thing. You guys kept your skivvies on?
Doug Madsen: Yeah, there might be snappin' turtles or somethin'.
Bobby Davis: I kept mine on because I didn't want it to get dark in here!
Doug Madsen: Did you ever wake up one morning and wonder what happened to your life?
[Woody nods his head]
Doug Madsen: You know, I thought my life would be an adventure. All of a sudden, I'm a suburban dentist.
Bobby Davis: Look, Doug, I feel your pain, man. I mean I swore I would never return to a job where I had to where condoms on my shoes.
Woody Stevens: You're still at The Firm?
Bobby Davis: Yea. I get yelled at by an ungrateful wife. I swear the whole thing has made me...
Doug Madsen: ...a wimp.
Bobby Davis: I was gonna say miserable.
Bobby Davis: [pause] What? You think I'm a wimp?
Doug Madsen: No, I thought you were gonna say wimp, so I'd thought I'd say it for you.
Woody Stevens: You're a wimp, Bobby. I'll say it. I mean you're afraid of women. It's kinda embarrassing.
Dudley Frank: I'm afraid of women.
Woody Stevens: You're afraid to talk to women. Bobby's afraid they'll kill him in his sleep.
[Doug and Woody laugh]
Dudley Frank: Wow... now I'm really afraid of women.
Woody Stevens: The trip is over because some tattooed bullies pushed us around?
Doug Madsen, Bobby Davis: Yeah.
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